The Look

So today I got "the look"

You know the one I'm talking about, we've been guilty of it many times ourselves. When you run into someone and they look directly at your stomach and ask themselves whether or not they should ask. Now, assuming they were wrong- that would be quite embarrassing for them, let alone the person with the big poochy belly.

I got the look today big time!

And I know it's only a matter of time before someone asks the question. The problem, I'm not ready to announce, not until my first trimester is over (in about a month from now).

I am already starting to show and I am at 7 weeks!

I attribute this to:

a) The IVF making me bloated

b) My twinsies

So until I am ready, I will wear my tunics proudly, trying to hide the pooch and avert their stares with witty banter.

Week 7

I am getting rounder by the day.

Yesterday I went to my best friend's house. She just had a baby 2 weeks ago, and has another that turned 1 last month. Yes two children under 1.

She says she's tired. Of course she is. And with that I see my future!

I asked her so many questions about everything: strollers, diapers, food.

Turns out a newborn goes through 6-8 diapers a day. Double that and times that by a week I should be changing diapers 112 times a week! Believe me I am not complaining. I wake up every day thankful to G-D. Yes, the thought of twins is very overwhelming. But as my friend

Kj& thekids said that at least I will be able to jump into twins without prior knowledge of how much easier one single child can be.

I've also come to the conclusion that when people will ask me whether or not twins run in my family I will say no. I don't need to give them my life story (even though technically my cousin had twins last year).

I just hope they continue to grow and be healthy. Nothing worries me more than my children- and they aren't even here yet!

Pregnancy Symptoms so far:

-Tummy very large

-Nauseous in the mornings (but no actual throwing up yet)

-Breasts tender and getting large

- Nails are getting stronger and longer (my nails never grow!)

-Bathroom trips are often and I am NOT constipated.

-Tired all the time

-Hungry all the time

All in all not too bad.

I would love some suggestions for my nauseousness. I take the train to and from work every morning and I almost puked today. I drink a lot of seltzer which seems to be working, but I need a better remedy. On Friday when we went in for the sono I asked my doctor of I should be feeling morning sickness, since I hadn't yet. He said "wait". I guess I spoke too soon.

I started my new job today and it's going well. Its very laid back and relaxed and my boss is cool. I am just dreading the day next month when I sit her down and tell her that I am pregnant- I bet she wont see that one coming so soon! But what can I do- I interviewed for the position long before the IVF. I got the job one day before my positive beta- so truthfully there is nothing that can be done. I will need your advice before I muster up the courage next month to talk to her (when I will be in my 2nd trimester G-D willing)

The good thing is, not too many people know me at my new job so I can blend in for now (without sticking out like a sore thumb- they may just think I'm large in my gut area)

So the past few nights have been very hot here in NYC. On Saturday afternoon I slept with my AC on and awoke with back and shoulder pain. It happened again today. My back is caught and my only option to not have this happen is to sleep sans air conditioning. How can I do that? The heat is horrible. I have no idea what to do!

Other than that Im just plugging along for now!

OMG

TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in shock. Yes.

After everything that I have been through the past few years ( losing a tube, then losing an ovary, then being if) hearing this news just made me cry. I don't think this whole pregnancy had hit me until now. Me and my husband could not stop smiling. It hurts that there are so many people that go through this with no happy ending. I am truly blessed and I know it. I appreciate it and pray for all my sisters.

I am growing two little people inside of me.

I have a picture to prove it!

The doctor said everything looks good, and that he wants to see me in two weeks. He also said he suspected twins because my first hCG was high (270)

Now I know why Ive been so hungry lately! :)

Will keep you all posted. Thanks for being my ears throughout this entire time!

Large and In Charge

My stomach is getting larger by the day.

I would definitely be happier about that if I wasn't trying to hide my pg at work. Now it just looks like I gained a few and need to call 1800-Jenny.

I think once I come out with it (early July when I will be 3 months pg hopefully) then I can embrace the belly and show it off. Until then, I am still trying to squeeze myself into last summer's clothes- and am failing miserably! I know the reason is not me sitting around and eating Frito's all day (although I have put on a few pounds since last summer without the whole ivf thing).

On another note, tomorrow is my first sonogram. I am nervous. Very nervous. I just want to know that the pg is in the uterus in its rightful place, and the amount - one or two? They did put in 2 so you never know. I will be happy with whatever G-D gives me.

I will fill you in tomorrow.

8 Things About Me

OK, I've been tagged again by topcat. This is getting too hard for me with my pregnancy brain and all, but I'll try anyway:

1. I can draw. I have cartoons/ comic books that I have created and have been doing since I was in the 7th grade. One day in school I was talking too much and as a punishment my teacher decided to send me to the 6th grade for one day. I was a renegade. So I took some pen and paper and began to draw. That was the day I created my characters.

2. I like oranges but cant stand anything orange flavored.

3. OK all, this is a doozy. My cousin was my husband's best friend. They grew up together and were "boys". For some strange reason, my cousin didn't like it when me and his best friend got together, and started acting very passive-aggressive towards me. All hell broke loose when I walked into my bridal suite on my wedding day (mid wedding mind you) to change into my second dress of the evening. There he was, my cousin, doing something unholy to his girlfriend on my veil! Yes. On my veil. I asked him to leave my wedding and proceeded to go call my husband and tell him the news. As we approached my drunken cousin, he asked his girlfriend to tell his mom that they were leaving. I looked at his girlfriend and said "Yeah, leave." (no cursing even though I did have the right to).

Apparently my cousin did not like my tone of voice so he started yelling profanities at me, and came at me swinging. Yes. On my wedding day.

My husband saw this and ran over to his now former best friend and grabbed him. A fight ensued, and my cousin was kicked out. Needless to say, we haven't heard from him since.

4. No matter how old I get, I still love my first boy band- Take That and go crazy when I see them on TV. They made a big come back last year, and I was rooting for them. I still want to have the lead singer's baby (gary barlow) although we would need to go through ivf to have that happen.

5. I got a better version of my granny's hair- and that's not saying much. She has an Afro. The thing is, she is a small white Jewish woman- so in reality she shouldn't have one. My mother, father and brother all have straight hair. I DONT. I have very hard to manage curly hair which I have to have professionally blow dried once a week. Unfortunately my husband has similar hair to my grandmother. ALL his siblings have straight hair. HE DOSNT. Which means our children will come out AFRO first.

6. I love blogging, but am afraid that people at work will read it and know it's me.

7. As a teen I had 3 earring holes on my right ear. One day when I was 16, I was at the mall with said cousin, future husband, and future husband's girlfriend. I wanted to be cool and get attention so I got a 4th hole on the same ear. No one payed attention.

8. I feel as though my mother-in-law is taking care of us from above. She was one of the good ones that died early (35) and I feel her karma with me many times. Sometimes things work out for me and my husband that just plainly shouldn't. We know why they do.

After the transfer I layed on my back and after praying to G-D, I spoke to my m-i-l ( in my heart of course) and asked her to help us with the ivf. I feel as though she listened and is taking care of my unborn child as we speak.

That's it!

Teenagers

So on Saturday night me and the ball and chain went to see Shrek the Third. I was so excited about seeing it, since I am very into animation. The theater was packed. I made sure we got there early so that we could get good seats- we did. As my husband went to get popcorn, I found a seat next to a group of teenage girls. Before the movie trailers began, they had local advertising on the movie screen.

Suddenly, my infertility clinic's commercial came on. First of all, I didn't know they had a commercial. Secondly, seeing it up there was quite the surprise but I was so proud of it (seeing as though this was the place that helped me get pregnant).

The teenage girl beside me started laughing at the commercial.

I wanted to bitch slap her.

I did.

It's funny how people don't realize how one thing they do can affect another.

I know she was not aware of what her laugh did to me. I too was a horrid teen, like I've stated in previous blogs. But that laugh hurt me to the core.

Did this little girl know what the woman sitting besides her had to undergo to get pregnant? Did she know that the same fertility clinic that she was laughing at on the screen was my saving grace?

NO. She knew nothing.

And I know that it should be OK because after all she is a teen and doesn't know what real problems are.

Urgh.

"I AM"

Yeahy- I have finally been tagged by TopCat! Topcat rocks. Who knew I was on someones "blogs I read" Thanks girl!

I know I pretty much was waiting for it, so here goes....

"I am"

I am scared of never being a mother.

I am confident and strong in my convictions, yet I am easily hurt.

I am sad that I can barely hug my mother. I was very affectionate towards her as a child, but as the years passed, and she began to hurt me, it has become very difficult for me to hug or kiss her. She doesn't understand why.

I am disconnected from myself since I became pregnant.

I am my most happiest when I am snuggling with my husband in bed. We call it shmuggling. I am corny.

I am happy that I married my husband even though on paper I wanted something/someone else.

I am double jointed, but in a freaky way. my arms can bend in unnatural ways. My husband says my back feels strange because he thinks my bones are positioned in a weird way. He's probably right.

I am a lover of candy and cartoons.

I am nervous, excited and mostly scared about this pregnancy.

Friday Ramblings

OK, so I know that I am fairly new to this blogger game. Therefore I should not be offended that I have not been "tagged" yet. I will keep waiting.

So on a brighter note, I have almost been sleeping through the past 3 nights, which is exciting. The cramps have definitely subsided the past few days. Don't get me wrong, they are still there, but they don't come every 10 minutes and knock me off my feet like they did last week.

My favorite nurse in the world *Rosa* called yesterday. She called to thank me for the gift that I had given her on Monday ( A gift certificate to a spa) and to ask how I was feeling. I told her that the pain had subsided more or less. She asked if I am nauseous yet.

You know what? I'm not.

She said that it usually starts for some women on week 6- which would be next week for me.

Oh joy.

These cramps are enough to handle- please no throwing up. I take the NYC subway every day to and from work. That's an hour and a half. I do not need to be chucking up my lunch on the train.

Clothing

I also need to buy a few shirts this weekend. My stomach is large and in charge and noticeable now. It needs to be camouflaged until I am ready to let its presence be known. I was thinking maternity stores, but one site said that you could get away with going to plus size stores. The good thing is that tunics are in style now and they are the perfect disguise. How could something the size of rice (baby center) make me so bloated!?

Dr Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde

My husband has been saying that since I started my meds ( ivf) I have become a different person. He says he misses the old me. I miss me too.

Yes, I am a little short tempered.

Yes, I sleep at 8:30pm.

Yes, I ask him to get me things from the other room as I lay in bed.

Yes, I beg him to pick me up from the train station every day even though there is a bus that takes me to my house (which is 9 blocks away).

Yes, I bitch and moan about my pain. Constantly.

Yes, we have not had sex since I started the meds in early April. I have not been feeling too well, and now with this pregnancy and the accompanying cramps, I don't exactly feel "frisky". After we have the sono next week, I will ask my Doctor about sex. I know that it is permitted, but I just want to hear it from him.

This whole thing is like an out of body experience, I just cant describe it. I don't feel like myself at all. I wonder if this is normal, and when I will snap out of it.

!!!!!!!!!@#!@####!!!!!!!!!

I am angry today.

My old boss (the position I am about to leave) asked me how she should handle the situation (if it were to arise) if my new boss gives her a call and asks her whether or not she was aware that I was pg before I got the new job. How rude! She tried to get the information out of me!

First of all, I have not confirmed my pg to my old boss. She knows that I had to undergo IVF, because of the days that I was missing, and she knew I had problems conceiving. But since the news broke on Friday, I have not told her. I choose not to. I don't want to go around screaming it on the rooftops yet. This is private for me now.

And secondly, why would it come up? I will not be telling my new boss until I am at least 3 months along. Besides, I interviewed for the new position months before the pg, so just because I chose to do IVF does that make me any different than someone that it accidentally happened to? I also got my BTP the day *after* I got the job.

I told my boss that it shouldn't come up at all because I will only discuss it in the future with my new boss if the situation arises. I had then went on to say that all the IVF information that I had told her was off the record ( and she knew that from the start!). She said she was just wondering and she didn't know if I was going to tell my new boss from the start about the pg. I told her to say that she knows nothing (which she doesn't- nothing was confirmed) and that it should never be mentioned- at all.

I got so mad!

Why is she trying to ruin this for me? I need this job. I need the money.

And truthfully, it is no longer her business.

Tummy hoits

I seem to be blogging a lot lately. I have a lot of time on my hands at work.

I have realized something interesting. Every time I eat, I start getting cramps and need to use the restroom. It is not fun. It makes me feel like not eating, but I love food too much. At least it will deter me from snacking. But running to the restroom a few times a day and staying in there for 20 minutes is not fun. At all. I hate being in there and others coming in. I wish I had my own private toilet at work. Especially during this pregnancy.

My body is not controlled by me, so it is rather difficult squatting in there and not making a sound. How could I not? My body is out of whack.

I know that this is an yucky subject since some people are squeamish about bodily functions.

My brother is one of those people.

First of all, he has OCD.

When he was a baby, he would hide behind doors if he made in his diapers. When my mother would search for him and not find him around, she knew where to look. When she would ask him why he was hiding he would answer "I made a package".

He hated himself for that. So, as he got older, he never quite appreciated a good fart joke.

me on the other hand, nothing grosses me out .

How lady-like of me.

Beta 3

I went in for my third beta today #2,071

I keep scanning everyone else's pages with their beta scores to see if I match up. Everyone is so different!

I am 5 weeks pg tomorrow- and so I set up my u/s for next Friday morning the 25Th at 8:30am.

My husband is coming with me. So exciting and nerve wrecking.

Again, just want to know that they are situated in the right place.

On a different note, my boss and co-workers ( on my team at work) are taking me out for dinner next Wednesday. My last day with them is Friday the 25Th (day I go for the ultrasound).

I interviewed for a position 2 and a half months ago, and I finally got it last Thursday. The following day I got the BTP. It came at a perfect time because the position is a lot more money- which is what we need- especially now.

It's nice to feel that you did a good job and you are appreciated. There is just one woman on my team that none of us like- including my boss. She was hired because everyone thought she was great and friendly, but as soon as she got the job- the demon came out. Me and her don't speak because of an incident, and we do not say hello to one another either. I get along with everyone!

So anyway, guess what? She stole my thunder. She announced her pregnancy yesterday! I'm not sure how far along she is... but now we will be associated for the next nine months. If someone asks when I'm due, they will automatically mention her someway. And we are NOT fond of one another.

I am still staying in my company, just moving to another division/floor- so I will still get to see everyone I know.

I'm a bit nervous about the position. I can def do the job- no problem. I'm just worried about the whole pg thing with a new job. Any ideas of when I should bring it up to my new boss and how?

Ode to Bloat

So all the IVF medication that I have taken over the past month and a half has made me extremely bloated. The problem- I already look 3 months pregnant when I am only 5 weeks along.

This presents a problem because people at work are already looking at me with a cock eye. I know what they are thinking!

Either:

A) The girl has gained weight

B) She's majorly pregnant

And I am not ready to share the news yet!

It's a bit touchy right now because I was just hired for a position that I interviewed for over two and a half months ago. I don't want my new boss to know until it's time. No one *wants* to hire a pregnant woman. So as much as I try to hide it, my tummy is just there. It is. There is nothing that I can do about it. I could wear tunics from here to tomorrow- but if a small burst of wind comes my way and the shirt hits my stomach.. well, you get the picture.

So that's it. Trying to beat the bloat, but the bloat is winning.

Another Sleepless Night

I've been reading up a lot of pregnancy lately and apparently this exhaustion is normal. I am out like a light by 9:30pm each night. Of course, I wish I could *STAY* asleep.

I awoke at 2:30am last night from intense cramping. Why oh why had I never known that early pregnancy could lead to such intolerable pain? I mean, I always knew about the un- comfort of the uterus while it stretches, but I am at barley 5weeks.

So I tried to avoid medication, and rushed to the restroom. If I empty my bowels, the pain usually subsides a bit ( TMI I know). I decided to lay on the cold bathroom floor because that seems to help my back and tummy. I fell asleep in there twice yesterday.

After peeling myself off the floor, I took a Tylenol and went to sleep in bed. I felt better until the alarm rang at 6am.

It seems as though my husband doesn't really notice my a.m. travels. His sleep in pain-free and lovely.

Lucky him.

We're the ones that have to suffer. I think it's because women are built to withstand more pain than men. If men had to go through period cramping and labor, they would be basket cases.

What gets me through the pain is knowing that the nurse said that it is normal. As long as it's normal, I'll live.

More than anything I'm worried about the ultrasound next week. I just want to know that the pregnancy is in the uterus- and not an ectopic. As long as they are positioned in the right place, I will sleep safe and sound.

Freudian slip- I just wrote *they* as though I am having two.

I mean, I might be right?

Twins would be a blessing especially for someone with fertility problems- kill two birds with one stone.

But I feel that a person cant give twins the proper attention that you can give to one. I don't ever want to withhold any love or attention from my children.

Tomorrow's blood test will determine when my sono will be.

I am nervous.

Friend's Baby

So as I have stated in my previous post, my best friend Franny had a baby girl on Friday morning. This is the day that I got my news.

On Friday night after work, I went into a children's store to pick up a few gifts for the new baby with my husband, and I was not sad.

For once in my life, I was in the baby section and was excited. I could be shopping here in a few months from now.

I say *could* because you never know what will happen. I am trying to stay positive, but the first trimester is the danger zone. I was reading a book on pregnancy ( which I rushed out and purchased once I got the good news) that said that 85% of pregnancies end in a child being born. That's a pretty good percentage if you ask me. I know there is still that 25% to worry about, but the book put it in a nice way.

It said, " Would you play the lotto if you knew you had an 85% chance of winning"?

Yup.

So here I am playing the "lotto".

Saturday night I went to visit said friend in the maternity ward. She had her tiny child in her arms. She asked if I wanted to hold her.

I have not held a newborn in years.

I felt privileged.

As I held her, I looked at my husband ( who was also there), and said to him "could you believe this will be us in a few months G-D willing"?

These tiny things are miracles.

They are so pure.

They are the closest thing to G-D.

900

Beta 900.

What does that mean? Twins possibly?

All I know is - is that I am exhausted from lack of sleep. I guess my body is preparing me to not sleep after a baby is born.

The nurse that called said that I have to come in on Wednesday for another blood test, and that they will then tell me when to come in for the sono.

I want my husband there.

I hope the embryo is in the right place- since I was a huge risk for an ectopic ( due to past surgeries that left large scar tissue) if I had not underwent IVF. They say that invitro minimizes the chances of an ectopic since they are the ones to place the embryos in the right location.

I was worried about the painful cramps and the nurse said that it is normal. That my body has been through a lot after treatment and that it is getting ready for baby. She also said that I could take Tylenol and baths.

I love this woman.

Hopefully I will be able to get a good nights sleep tonight and not another night of cramping.

Strange I still cant get used to me being pregnant.

Its so deep.

I just truly hope all is well. I don't think I can handle more sadness.

Could it be????

Friday morning I went in for my Beta. I was nervous, but a part of me felt safe because of the hpt's that I had taken prior to my blood test. But nothing is ever 100% with IVF.

So there I was at 6:20am, waiting to get tested. I thought I would get there first but there were two women before me. It was pouring outside.

I got to work and tried to get my mind off the fact that one phone call could change my life.

At 9:45am, my cell phone rang with the clinic's number. I had no where to go to speak privately, I was in my cube at work.

So I answered.

"Maya, this is Nurse X how are you"?

I sensed happiness in her voice.

(Of course it had to be the nurse that I *don't* like.)

"Good, how are you"? I answered.

"Well, I'm here with Erica, Joanne, Sam and Nicole."

I waited.

"Maya, why do you think we would all be on the phone?"

I wanted to scream- "Get to it woman" but I couldn't.

"Maya your pregnant".

I wanted to jump out of my seat. I wanted to scream. I was out of breath. I was for once in my life, speechless.

"Yes but how's my hCg?" I asked.

270.

Wow.

I'm pregnant.


Me?

I wanted to call my husband, but he was in a final. So I ran to my co-worker across from my cube. She knows what I underwent and she's around my mom's age and very motherly. I stood there and smiled. I had no soundproof outlet. She hugged me.

Then I called my best friend. I didn't want to bother her since 6 hours prior she herself had given birth to a baby girl ( which everyone thought would be a boy).

I called her but she was on the phone and asked me to call her back. I told her OK, but just for your information, I too will be in your situation in 8 months from now. She was ecstatic!

Then I saw my husband's number on the caller ID. I wanted to tell him the news in a original way- but I couldn't wait. I said "Hi daddy"...he was in shock.

This whole experience is so surreal. You get used to disappointments and you just learn to expect them.

So I went in for my second beta today and I await the results.

I have been cramping majorly the past few days. I could hardly sleep on Friday night or last night. I hope that's normal. My friends say it is because your uterus is expanding, but I am in pain. It comes and goes.

My IVF buddy ( a woman who I met every morning at blood tests) just found out that she's not pg. It breaks my heart. I mean, why is it that it happens for some and not for others? It pains me. It really does. I know I should be concentrating on myself, but it hurts me. What if it were the other way around? I would want to know why.

On another note:

I am now part of May/June's cyclesista. I found this website as I was searching for stories on IVF, and felt as though I had hit the jackpot when i came across this site. This site gives women hope that one day they too may get pregnant, even after all the hard times. I am proud to be on this site.

One More Day

So there I was at 4am, peeing on a stick. I had needed to pee the entire night but was afraid that the result's in the morning would be less accurate. So after 4 hours of almost urinating in bed, I ran to the restroom. I figured that since I had to wake up at 6am, 2 hours wouldn't be so bad.

I peed.

I didn't wait for the results, I returned to sleep.

I woke up, and there it was- the same 2 lines.

I'm finding this hard to believe. Could it be that after one single IVF I am pregnant? There are women that have to go through 5 or 9 cycles of IVF before it happens. My life has never been simple.

Again, remember- I did have a fallopian tube and ovary removed in my early twenties. I cursed life and though it unfair. I know that what happened to me.... well, I deserved it. I know why it happened.

I only say this because I tend to notice how G-D reacts to certain situations and comments. Case in point:

1997:

When I was 16 years old, and my mother 43.... she had to have a hysterectomy. This happened because she had a VERY LARGE cyst in her uterus that she did not take care of early on. The Doctors said that they had never seen such a thing. It was almost as big as a baby. Thank G-D it was benign.

My father and I went to visit my mother shortly after her surgery... ( me full of teen angst) I had the audacity to fight with my father in front of my laying mother. I don't even remember about what. But she became upset.

I upset my mother after she underwent such a tough surgery, and a part of me didn't care.

I remember that until this day.

And that was it - my fate sealed. I too was to have similar surgery- not once, but twice. You can call it karma or G-D, but I know it to be the the latter.

2000:

I have always been one to suffer during her period. I can count on one hand how many non-painful cycles Ive had. On one such painful afternoon as I was laying in bed crying in pain, I said to myself... "If these pains are caused by my period, I'd rather not have my period at all- I would rather not have children"

I was dumb. I was 18. What did I know about the pain of being infertile.

I wish I could smack that 18 year old upside the head.

And again- G-D took those words and said ..."Now I will show you that words have weight". And he did.

TODAY:

Here I am at 26 years old. Still young- yes. But have I been through a lot? Emotionally and physically I would say so. I know that there are people that have been through worse.

Everything is relative.

But losing a tube and ovary on two separate occasions before you have ever had children?

So I am making up for all the bad that Ive done, and hopefully I have learnt my lesson.

I have learnt my lesson.

And I hope that G-D know how badly I want this child, and how I regret all that Ive said and done.

I will know tomorrow.

An Open Letter to my Husband

Dear B,

I am writing to you at a time that is not very easy for me. As you know, I have been crazy the past two months now. First from the birth control pills ( which Ive never taken before) and second from all those darn shots. I know that I have not been easy to deal with. And yet- you never blow up on me ( which I know is hard for you- especially since I am so irrational).

This past year of TTC, every time I had a negative hpt, you would say "don't worry it will happen". You never, ever blamed me for not being able to conceive ( although it is my body that is causing the trouble). How could you not be mad? I think a part of me would be if it was the other way around.

You have always been so relaxed, and have been my rock. YOU ARE MY ROCK.

It's funny how life works out.

I grew up with you- our parents were friend's before we were born. And although you lived in a different country, and we grew up completely differently- we couldn't be more right for one another. As a child, when I would go to Israel for summer vacation, we played and laughed. As we got older, I fell for you.

I thought you were the one for me (although you knew of my feelings and were not interested). I never wavered.

From the age of 15-20 you had that girlfriend that I loathed. I loathed her because she was with you. G-D I hated her and wished all sorts of bad things on her ( I still kinda do).

The strange thing is, I didn't really know who you were on the inside- your feelings, or dreams, or experiences. You never shared more than the surface.

It was a sense that I couldn't describe- like "yup, that's the one."

You were like a young fonzy- rebellious, had a motorcycle, smoked at 13, and dropped out of high school. I loved it. Of course this is not something to be proud of, but every girl likes a rebel. Today I know that you dropped out of school and smoked because your mother died when you were 10, and your father never fully took over the authoritative role. He let you and your brother do what you wanted. All you wanted was someone who cared.

But look at you today- finally in college, you work full time and you are taking charge of our life- and not letting your past mistakes dictate your future. I love that.

I still have the love letter I wrote for you as a tween. I spoke about the way you made me feel, and how I knew you didn't feel the same for me. But I never gave you that letter. I kept it in my memory box.

I showed it to you once we were a couple.

You laughed.

How could people so different fit so well?

You are the quiet introvert, I am the loud extrovert. You balance me. You made me a better person. I was a spoiled little princess when we began our relationship and you were to have none of that. I like who I am today because of you.

That is why it has been so hard for me this past year. I want a child with you. I want a baby that is us. Your eyes, hopefully my nose (because we both know that we don't want the child to suffer with a schnoz like yours)- and of course the Jew-Fro.

I want to solidify our family. We are now just a couple- I want us to be a family.

Wouldn't our love story be nice to tell our children some day?

I love you.

Love,

Your hormonal wife

2 days to breakdown

OK, so 2 more days until I know what is happening with me. The long wait.

Another night of cramps and I awoke afraid of going to the bathroom and seeing blood.


No blood.

I couldn't wait- I ran to the Duane Reade across the street from my office and bought another 3-packer ( POAS).

Although it wasn't my first urine of the morning- my third to be exact, I had to know.

I peed.


The second line is now obviously darker. I am full of emotion.

So now I don't know how to feel.

The nurse said it was a good sign- but didn't want to get my hopes up high. She said it may be a pregnancy, but what's important is the level of HCG in my blood. If it's below 100 it's something to worry about. If it's above- it's a good healthy sign.

I like that I have the backup of my favorite nurse Rosa. I feel good about it. But again, I don't want to be disappointed.

My best friend Franny has tried to bring me down to earth and tell me to not get excited until the blood test. She says she is being my best friend and says that she needs to say these things. I love her for worrying about me, and for not wanting me to be devastated if its negative- but Franny just had a baby last May, and is about to give birth any day now ( yes, she pulled a Britney Spears and had 2 in one year). So it's hard to listen.

I have been walking around with the pregnancy test in my pocket today. Just to see if it's real. If I have doubts, all I have to do is pull out the test and see the two lines.

2 more days of torture......

2WW

Let me introduce myself to you all. At first this blog was just for my amusement, and I never shared it with anyone. So I wrote about random things.

Now I am sticking to writing about my IVF experience.

My name is Maya, I am 25 ( next month 26) with one remaining ovary and fallopian tube ( right side had to be removed due to large cysts 3 years ago). I have been TTC for over a year now, and realized that my former surgeries may be the cause of my infertility. So off to the Fertility Specialist we went.

After many many tests, the answer was pretty much a question mark. They *believe* that my problems stem from scar tissue that is in my uterus- they formed after my surgeries. They are causing a mechanical problem in the conception process. I have eggs, he has sperm- yet for some reason they are not meeting.

So began the shots last month. They retrieved 20 eggs- not so bad for one ovary ( my Doctor called me Super girl). 19 fertilized, but only 8 made it. Lucky Number 8.

The 2 they implanted were grade AB- Day 5 transfer, which they assured me were really good, and the others off to the freezer.

I had my transfer last week Wednesday ( May 2ND, 2007).

And here I wait.

And Wait....

and wait...

The waiting is killing me, but it's ok. Yesterday I gave in and bought a POAS. I know that I shouldn't have bec the trigger shot might still be in my system ( yesterday was 12 days since my trigger shot) but I had to. I needed to know.

I peed, in the afternoon in my office bathroom.

2 lines.

One dark, and the other faint, but somewhat visible. I have never seen 2 lines before. So I stared in excitement. Could I be pregnant? I quickly ran to call my husband- he was not happy. He asked why I would do this to myself when I know that it might be a false positive.

Why I would do this? Hmmm.... let's see.

Maybe because I have been through so much hell these past few years- First losing a tube at 22, then an ovary at 23, and to top it all off having fertility problems for this long year. Yes, I may be a few short days away from knowing but the waiting is hell. It just is. As you all can testify.

So I tried to remain positive- until 4 hours ago when I saw brown as I wiped. TMI maybe. But, I have to share. So is this the onset of my impending period? Maybe. Is it attachment bleeding- who knows. All I know is my positive attitude went downhill.

I have been googling "IVF Spotting" and reading everything that comes up. No definitive answer. None to get me through the next 3 days.

I called the IVF nurses. of course I get the one on the line that is the least friendliest. Where is my super ivf nurse Rosa? Anyway, she proceeds to tell me not to worry, it might be normal, but to come in on Friday anyway. Wow- how positive sounding ( Do you sense my sarcasm?).

I'm in limbo. I know that I should look on the bright side and say that I am lucky enough to still have frozen embryos- when I have friends who don't. But this entire process is hard to swallow. So 3 days left and counting......