Attempting to Move

So I am trying out Wordpress for a bit....

http://geminigirl64.wordpress.com/

The other night I had a dream. I don't call it dreams when my grandmother comes to visit me since I know it's actually her.

My grandmother visits me often when I sleep. She never actually speaks to me, she is just there with her trademark radiance. Just writing about her makes me tear up... she was one in a million. I had never lost someone I cared so deeply about until she died last June.

Now usually she is there by herself. When I first started dreaming her, I always dreamt about her in her home- which was her mecca. She loved her home so much. I knew this meant that she hadn't passed on yet- she was still in her home and I was dreaming her there. I know this sounds wacky, but like Ive mentioned before I have always had some strange sixth sense which I try to tune out.

But when I visited my grandparents home in June, I didn't feel her there. She had passed on. This makes me happy because I know that she is in a better place.

Getting back to the other night, I dreamt her- but she brought someone else. My other grandmother!

I never met my father's mother since she died a year before I was born. I only know her through pictures and not stories as my father hardly ever mentions her.

So in the dream it was my grandmother who brought my other grandmother with her. It was as if she introduced me to her. It was so nice!

It really made me emotional when I woke up. Call me crazy or anything else you want- but this did happen.

Just to put things in perspective

Neve next to her preemie onesie:

What a difference 7 months can make....

Work:

I have yet to post about my new position and everything else going on in my work life.



So after my boss was let go they didn't know what to do with me. I was her executive assistant and therefore if there is no executive- where does that leave me?
HR kept me on hand and said they were "working on things".



What was being worked on was:



The new EVP (who was the SVP) wanted to get rid of his assistant. They always had problems and she would constantly complain about him to everyone. There was a total lack of communication, and she took on way more than she needed to be doing. This led to her ultimate downfall.



They were looking to let her go, and they did. I was not here that day, and I wasn't even sure if they were going to do it. But they did, and they offered me the position. I felt horrible. I liked her and she was older than me- older than my mother! She had been with the company for 15 years!

But if I didn't take the job, someone else would have and I have two mouths to feed! What could I do?

The job that I *really really* want is only going to become available sometime in 2009, so until then I will be here.

My manager is a good guy, and I'm pretty confident around him. He has complete faith in me which is a great thing (he had none in his former assistant). I always felt nervous around my old boss. She was a powerful woman, and I think women judge other women more harshly.

I don't want to be an assistant for the rest of my life. This is not my end all be all. I hate myself for being 27 and not have risen to a higher level at work, but my life took different turns. I know I am where I am supposed to be.

I confided in my old boss (spoke to her last week) about the way I feel and she implored me to take the new position when it is offered. She said I will learn a lot and that any company will take me in a heartbeat once I have worked there. Although it will be another assistant position, it is in the field that I am dying to get into and you actually learn a thing or two in the position. There is somewhere to grow. So I am feeling confident- especially since the woman who I would be working for really likes me and pretty much promised me the job once it becomes available. So we'll see. Too early to get my hopes up.

Life:
On a different note, I started Jen*ny Crai*g on Monday. A co-worker of mine gave birth to her son a month before my girls were born and she has lost a TON of weight on it. She is even thinner now than she was prior to pregnancy!
So when another co-worker said that she was starting, it inspired me. I got my tush to the center and now I am successfully on Day 4. I have no problem with self control- I hardly eat (which is my problem). It's losing these last 30 pounds that's killing me! I am not comfortable in my own skin. I miss my old wardrobe, and my old self-confidence. I am hoping that this will push start my weight loss.

8 months old

My friend Jackie was visiting New York (she's living in LA) in either Jan/ or Feb of this year. She came by to see the girls on her trip. She took pictures.


Look at how small they were!!!!!!


I was so tired here- look at Neve she looks high:

Because I got high....
Soleil "Why I outta"....

Neve: "Mom, is this cupcake on my shirt edible"?

My girls were 8 months old yesterday. How did that happen people? How!?

I know I'm going to miss these days, but right now I cant wait for them to get a bit older to do things by themselves. It's tiring!

We celebrated yesterday by taking them to the zoo:

Soleil: "No daddy, the map indicates the elephants are that way..."

Seriously this flamingo was coming to attack us:
I was trying not to smile but not to frown.. so of course I look crazy:


Mommy & Soleil:
Mommy & Neve How unfair is it that the male peacocks are the ones with the beautiful feathers. Look at how cocky he is!:

Sup?
Nevey-O:

These two guys had puppets. I told them to try and scare the girls:

Soleil trying to grab: Neve seems disturbed:

Soleil driving us home:All in all it was a nice day. Long but nice.

Word Bubble

Very Telling. Got this from Stacie.

Bring Soleil to Work Day

Yesterday I took Soleil to work with me. Since my new Boss is on vacation, and it was summer Friday (we get to leave at 1pm) I thought it would be an opportunity to bring her in since my co=workers begged me to. I couldn't bring them both because there is no elevator in my subway station and I cant manage to carry my double stroller plus the two by myself. So I placed her in my carry on and off we went.



Originally I was going to flip a coin to see who I was going to take. I quickly realized that Neve is a screecher and that wouldn't work so well in an office environment so I took Soleil. I will take Neve alone somewhere else. I am after all an equal opportunity employer.






I work at a Fun place that happens to have toys galore for Soleil to play with:


My Cube... my prison: Co- workers in their early 20's who are baby crazy. Ah to be 22 again...
Soleil sleeping in my boss's office. She's already taking over corporate America:

Wordless Wednesday

You call this a Jacuzzi?

Bath time is Fun?

Take out your violins

I feel like I'm going through life's motions all the while numb inside.

I have always lived life waiting for the next thing to come by and somehow make me happy or make my life complete. It's like there is always this void and every time I think I will fill it with something, it never gets filled.

I should be so happy. I mean I am. Sometimes when everything is good, you start to look for flaws I guess.

I am married to a wonderful man who is a good husband and great father (OK so he doesn't celebrate my birthday, anniversary's, holidays etc). I have two BEAUTIFUL daughters who GD had blessed me with after quite the journey. These girls give me a purpose, and I have yet to "feel" like a mother.

I mean, what does being a mother feel like? What is it supposed to feel like?

Do I love them? check
Do I kiss and hug them? check
Do I provide food and shelter? check
Would I die for them? check

I also feel like a machine most of the time. With multiples it is hard to step back and enjoy the moment. You always HAVE to do something or other- whether it's prepare their bottles, change their diapers, entertain them, feed them, bathe them etc. And I KNOW that one day I will look back and ask myself why I didn't enjoy this time more.

I have a job.
I'm not homeless.
I have parents. I don't get along too well with said parents or brother, but how many people do? I wish I liked them more. My mother is an overbearing, drama queen who never seemed to be happy with anything I ever did. Of course if I tell her this she will deny and call me a liar and tell you to call any one of her friends for them to tell you what kind of troublemaker I was.

My dad is weird. He just is. He never hugged us or showed us any warmth. He never showed my mother any warmth. They always went on separate vacations (dad went "alone" and my mother took us). It was hard to understand that when I was in middle school and all my friend's parents were going away somewhere together. My mother stayed for lack of better options and of course "What would the neighbors think"?; plus she couldn't support herself and us- she never finished high school. I vowed to myself to graduate college and be able to support myself so that I would NEVER have to stay in an unhappy marriage just because I couldn't make it on my own. I resented her for being weak. I still do. She always expects my dad to take care of her.

I caught my dad cheating on my mom 4 years ago. I mean, I always had a feeling- but that time I saw it with my eyes. There was a woman in his car. I happen to see him on the highway with her. I begged my husband (then boyfriend) to tail him- and he did. My father got hold of this and made out of that traffic jam with the wings of an eagle. I will never forget that. Until this day he has never brought it up. I didn't speak to him for a year after that. He learnt his lesson real well because of it.

My brother has what I believe to be Asperger's Syndrome. He only talks about himself, shows hardly any emotion when someone else speaks about their problems, becomes obsessed with one subject and needs to know everything about it, and is awkward in a crowd. He is my only brother and I love him. But he looks up to me and that makes me uncomfortable. I mean he's my OLDER brother.

I chose my husband because he is a good soul, because he doesn't judge me. I know that we will take vacations together, and that we enjoy each other's company. He hugs and kisses our daughters and I know they could come to him with a problem.

So I have it good. I just wish I wasn't always looking for the next great thing to happen- whatever that may be.

Weekend

If you're wondering about my lack of posts, well it's because I usually post from work. I haven't been into work much these past two weeks as you already know.



Anyway, on Friday night I went on Fac*ebook and saw a message from one of the managers at work. He said he was glad to hear I was staying on. I said that nothing was certain yet, since everything was still up in the air. He said that the EVP communicated to all the manager's that I was staying and then he went on to tell me "You do know his assistant was fired"?



Wow, so I guess she was let go on Thursday. Do I feel completely horrible about this situation? YES. I mean I took her job. I know that the EVP was not happy with her and was going to let her go anyway, but I still feel bad.



But like I said, I have to worry about my livelihood.


On Wednesday afternoon, I went to my old boss' apt. She had been wanting to give me her daughter's clothes that she had outgrown (her daughter is 2). First of all- her apt is INSANE. For a Manhattan apt it was HUGE. Walk-In closet people. 2 bathrooms. I could go on.. but to put a price tag on the rent: $8,000.00. Yes you read right. That's a mortgage payment for like 3 houses. Insane but I digress...




She had told me that she had put me in for a raise a month before she was let go and to talk to HR about it. So I will.




Anyway, since I did not go into work on Thursday when this all went down I did not get a chance to have a sit down with the EVP. I know that he wants me to be his assistant and he will now be on vacation for the next week. HR called me to talk and I will speak to them tomorrow. This is all so awkward. But at least I have a job where I may get a pay raise (his assistant made 25g's more than me) so I am thinking anywhere btwn those two salary points.




On July 4th we took the girls to a baseball game. We received a few free tickets to a minor league game courtesy of the March of Dimes so we went with my parents. I had never been to a game (yes heather- never been) and neither did my husband. It was really nice:

The girls in their july 4th gear:

Me eating a red/whit/ blue ices- because I'm patriotic like that:

I have NO idea what's going on:

I guess this weird cow was the mascot. Oh and that shirt I'm wearing has got to go. I kept getting pregnant looks from people:
"He's OK!"Grandpa with Soleil:


Today we went to the mall and I came across a photo studio. I just HAD to have their pictures taken, even though they were not wearing anything dressy. I ran to a children store, bought the cutest dresses & bows and here they are:

Soleil:
Neve:

Soleil:
Neve:The girls:

Ramblings of the Not Technically Employed

Sorry for my lack of posts lately. I guess Ive been in a kind of slump because of work.


They still don't know what to do with me yet, so HR is stringing me along. They haven't even had a conversation with me to explain what my options are!


From what I understand, the new EVP is not happy with his assistant and doesn't think she could handle the new workload. I think he wants to give me the position and HR is trying to find a legal way to let her go- since she has been there since 1995. I feel horrible about it. The woman is in her late 50's and is taking care of her elderly mother. How could I take her job?


On the other hand, he is going to get rid of her anyway (if HR finds a way) so why not worry about myself? I mean someone else will take the position if not I. I do have two mouths to feed after all. Plus, I hear there is a restructuring going on within the division (which is obvious after they let my boss go) so I think that's playing a major role as well in placing me somewhere. They don't want to get rid of me, but they don't have a definite position yet.


So I go in every other day for an hour or two just to show my face so that people wont forget who I am. The new EVP is super sweet to me and is really trying to take care of me.



I am spending more time at home with my girls, and I actually had a little me time yesterday where I went to the city to do a little shopping. It felt nice. But all this worrying is def going to bring on another ulcer ... I just feel it. I am just scared of the unknown. I feel like a rug was pulled from right under me. I know it could be worse. On Monday a co-worker passed away in her sleep. She had a heart attack. She was 42 and in great shape. It just makes you think.
Sigh



Not much else to report- which explains my no posting.



I did have a very nice belated bday dinner with a few friends on Saturday night (pics below). We went to a trendy Japanese restaurant. It was nice to have a drink and relax with some friends. I don't know why I don't do it more often.




Me and My Childhood Best Friend Riva:
My High School Best Friend Heidi & Her boyfriend:
An awesome cocktail I drank with an "edible orchid". Didn't eat the flower:


One of my favorite people in the world my BF Oren (dark hair)with his boyfriend Luke. Oren is trying to hide one of his chins:

The food kicked ass. This was my tuna steak:
My husband ordered the chicken:

Me getting tipsy:
Me, Riva & Oren:
Me and the Hubster:



Me letting the candle blow out before making a wish. Dang it!:



The dessert: