Hospital Ramblings

I have now been in the hospital for 10 days. Laying in bed all day really gives you time to think. Sometimes that's good, sometimes it's bad.

It's strange how things can change in a drop of a hat. I mean up until oct 7th I was fine. I was even one of the lucky ones that didn't have vomit induced morning sickness. Considering I am carrying twins - that's rare.

I mean yeah once I hit 4 months I started feeling run down- but that's normal. Who knew this was waiting on the horizon? I know that they stopped it in time and that things could have been so much worse- so believe me I am counting my blessings with each passing day.

The truth is, I really have nothing to complain about. My daughters are still safe and like I said, that's all that matters. It's strange how your priorities change once you become a mom. I don't know if I'm considered a mom quite yet, but I already feel like one. I felt like one when the neonatal doctor walked in and had that terrifying conversation with me. I mean, I'm their mother- I have to protect them!

Every 8 hours they monitor their heartbeats and strap a contraction machine to me. Finding both their heartbeats is quite a feat. One of my daughters is vertex on the left side of my body, the other is vertex on the right side of my body. Now, every time the nurse straps on the wires, the daughter on my left (Baby A) stays still and doesn't move. She isn't bothered by the echos the machine makes. Her heartbeat is always stable because of this. Apparently she is the polar opposite of her sister.

My daughter to my right (Baby B) goes nuts when they put the machine on her side to track her. She moves and kicks and will not stay still- I guess the sound freaks her out. Not once has she stayed still!

Its so funny how they already have personalities. Isn't that crazy? I mean they aren't even out yet! Every time this happens- which is three times daily, I am in awe of this pattern. That is when I feel most like a mother. How can I not- I mean its not like they are little pods that stay still- they have personalities and they respond to outside stimuli.

I was reading O* magazine and came across an interesting article. The part that got to me was when a woman said "I don't ask 'why me' when things happen. I say 'why not me'?"

I can pity myself and ask why have things not come easily for me. Why at age 22 did I have to have a fallopian tube removed? Why at age 23 did I have to have an ovary removed? Why did I struggle with infertility at such a young age when everyone around me just sneezes and gets pregnant? Why did I have to go through IVF? Why am I at risk to lose these babies that we so longed for?

But I wont.


Everything that I have gone through in my life has only made me stronger. The struggle to get pregnant has only made me appreciate this pregnancy and these lives inside of me even more. I mean, there are newborn babies being abandoned in shoes boxes because they weren't wanted. Those are the women I feel sorry for.

So yes, fertility is my vice, but what about all the wonderful things I do have? I have any amazing husband that I fall more in love with with each passing day. He was my childhood crush- we even have a photo of us together as children (he was 5, I was 3). I lucked out with this man and sometimes I feel as though I don't deserve him.
I work for a company I love and I have great family and friends.

And as long as my babies are inside of me- they are safe. If laying in this hospital room for the next 6 weeks is what I need to do for my daughters, I have no problem with that. My husband is here every day, I am comfortable and hey I even have Internet access now.

I cant help of think of my grandmother who passed away in June. She spent her last month laying in the hospital. Wouldn't it have been better for her to just go out and enjoy her garden on her final days instead of staring at the ceiling? This is the stuff I think about as I lay here. But you know what the comforting this is? When I was in labor and delivery that first day when everything was so scary and critical- I felt as though it would all be OK because my grandmother is watching over my daughters. That is what got me through and what continues to get me through these days.

Yesterday they thought that I might have been able to go home but first they needed to see a sono of the babies fluids and of my cervix.
The medical situation right now is that my cervix is very short. They say normally the cervix should be about 1.4 inches long. Mine is 1/2 an inch. They don't want to send me home in case something does happen. So here's to hoping they stay in. The doctor said I'm already at a better place today than I was last week. When I came in I was 25 weeks and 2 days. Now I am 26 and 5 days. But thank GD my cervix hasn't changed since I came in that day. Anything else and it would have been a disaster.

Each day inside is a blessing especially in these critical weeks. I am blessed.