Update

Ive noticed a few differences in our girls. Neve is very quiet and seems to be lost in a deep sea of thoughts. She only cries when she's hungry and is content just sitting back and staring.

Soleil on the other hand- needs to be held. She loves to be cuddled and cries most of the time. When she's hungry, tired, achy....... when we place her in her swing she falls asleep and stays asleep. I think being elevated helps her.

We're still not sleeping well at all. Last night after I fed Neve and put her down, she woke up again 12 minutes later and started crying. She was still hungry! I had just put my head down to sleep and was in shock when she started crying again. My husband is not working these two weeks so we are both on baby patrol. Not sure what will happen when we have to go back to work. I guess we'll take each day as it comes.


Soleil still has apnea issues. Yesterday as my husband was feeding her, she turned blue- she stopped breathing! He started patting her on the back and she awoke. When I asked my pediatrician yesterday, he said that it may still happen until she is 40 weeks gestational age. Great, another 3 weeks of this scare!

Oh, and Neve's pinkie on her left hand is always curled- as if she cant move it. The doctor said that he doesn't think its cause for concern, and that it may have been that way in utero- or it may have been dislocated (thanks NICU!). He said it may correct itself and that we'll keep an eye on it. She may need physical therapy if this doesn't go away with time.

As for right now, we are not sleeping at all, but we do get to enjoy taking fun pics of our ladies:

Soleil (first day home):

Neve: we love to abuse them with funny hats!

I couldnt resist putting on headbands!

Neve: bathtimeSoleil Bathtime

So now we know we had it easy with Neve- Soleil is very colicky. We are exhausted . She cries non-stop. It must be her tummy because when we put her down in her crib she cries non stop. When we hold her she stops. Any advice? I left a message with my doctor to see if I can give her anti-gas drops. Now we are totally zombie-like.

Guess who's home?

I hardly had any sleep last night.

Neve wanted to eat every 2 hours. That meant that by the time I:
changed her diaper
she ate 1 ounce (she eats 2 ounces)
burped (she stops eating after one ounce until she has been burped)
Ate the last ounce
burped
held for twenty minutes (as we were told she should be for reflux purposes)

was about an hour.

She is a very slow eater and thus once she was finally in bed after this entire process, an hour later she was up again. I am exhausted! My husband has to wake up at 3:45am on Monday mornings for work- so I let him sleep. I almost cried when for the third time in a row she woke up *(I only got 40 minutes of sleep in between her feeds).

And Soleil isn't home yet.
My husband is taking two weeks off of work once Soleil comes home- which they think might be soon (don't want to jinx myself by saying when) so at least we will have one another.

I have soooooo many doctors appointments for them. Shots, eye exams, head ultrasounds, cardiologist app, lung Dr app, developmental..... its unbelievable!! What am I going to do if I have to go back to work on jan 8th?? Meanwhile my boss has yet to reply and let me know if it's ok to take personal leave until feb 5th- so as of now I am set to return on jan 8th until I am told otherwise. I cant risk losing my job. My husband is now only working 3 days a week while he is on winter break from school, so at least one of us will be home until the end of January (in case I do have to go back in the beginning of jan)

Last night we went to visit Soleil as we do every night. You know what I find surreal? She looks JUST like me as a baby. So when she looks at me with my eyes- and my face- it's as if I somehow managed to take a time machine back in time to see myself as a baby. I am not kidding about how much she resembles me. My parents are so weirded out by the resemblance.

My girls have outgrown the preemie size diapers! I am so excited. They are now a size 1. You have no idea how happy that makes me.

What will make me happier is to see the two of them together. I mean I did see them in cribs right next to each other- but thats not the same. I want to lay them one right by the other and at least take one picture. Its like our minds know that we have twins, but not concurrently. I think it will sink in when we see them laying side by side. I am not sure if I will put them in the same crib. I am afraid that one will wake the other or somehow roll on the other (even with a partition). I know they don't really move much at this point, but I still get scared.

As for feedings- I do not breastfeed because I am hardly enough milk for one baby- let alone two. Plus it seems to be very very hard for them to get the milk out so for now I am pumping as much as I can. I only usually have enough for 2 feeds each which is at least something. I will try to get a lactation consultant to come to my home and see if there is anything I can do.

As for the advice that all you wonderful moms have given me about feeding twins- my only dilemma about propping one baby up on a boppy, or putting them in a bouncy seat- is that they are still so small. I need to be able to pick them up quickly if they cough and that will be hard when I have two. So still don't know what to do.

I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your beautiful families.

questions

i have a question for you mommy's of twins.

when soleil comes home- i have no idea what to do with feeding schedules. i mean, should me and my husband both wake up and each feed one- or should we feed them in shifts?

neve wakes up every 2-3 hours to eat. my pediatrician says to feed her on demand, and if she sleeps up to 5 hours in a row, not to wake her. now what happens when both wake up simultaneously and want to eat? i mean, you can only feed one at a time. i have no idea how this is going to work.

any suggestions?

Me so tired......

So I read somewhere that new parents lose 720 hours of sleep a year. How much does that equate to with twins?

Of course my Soleil still isn't even home yet. Yesterday when we went for the 8pm feeding, the nurse had told me that she had a few desats. Her heart rate drops while she eats and her breathing slows. Now, by this point the episodes should be dropping, but in her case they don't seem to be. I asked the nurse to call a doctor so that I could talk to them.

A resident comes up, with absolutely no information. She pretty much says that Soleil will just continue to be monitored and that she may come home with an apnea machine. Meanwhile, my pediatrician (who goes to the NICU daily and was the chief of that NICU for many years) said that she wont come home until she no longer has those episodes and therefore wont need the apnea machine. So much conflicting information and the resident seemed unaware and green. I told her I needed more than just a surface answer. She didn't have any- she kind of just shrugged.

So we fed Soleil and headed downstairs to the main NICU to find an attending. It's much easier to find waldo than it is to find an attending doctor.

The receptionist called and found an attending and she comes in to see us (I suspect she came in quickly because she thinks we are a sweet couple- I did buy everyone in the NICU a big box of donuts the other day). She said that most babies outgrow the apnea's by 37 weeks (which is a week and a half away) and if she doesn't, than they will look into other causes. She also said that they could send her home with an apnea machine- if I were comfortable. I am not. I do not want her home with this problem because I do not feel equipped to handle a non-breathing baby situation when I have another baby at home. The doctor said that it is a plus that the lowering of the heart rate and desaturation in breathing happens only during feedings and poops (and not randomly during sleep thank GD).

So yeah, she just needs to be monitored. I mean, I know that there are babies whose situations are much more dire, and my questions and worries seem so small for everyone- but this is still my daughter- and she is not yet home. And I worry. I sit at home and cannot truly enjoy Neve because Soleil isn't here. When I am in the hospital with Soleil, I worry about Neve being home. I just cant seem to rest.

On top of all of this, I just found out that my 12 week maternity leave was cut down to 8 weeks. It seems that my 4-5 week hospital bedrest ate up my short term disability/ fmla. This would put me back to work on Jan 8th! I am not prepared for that especially since soleil isn't home. I spoke to my HR and she suggested that I ask my boss to approve a personal leave for the 4 weeks. I emailed my boss and have not heard back from her yet. I don't think she would find that to be a problem since she herself told me a few weeks ago in an email to take my time coming back and that she would love to come to my home to visit the girls. But it makes me nervous that she has yet to answer my email.

You know what though? A part of me cant wait to go back to work to get my life a bit back to normal. I sat on my as*s for so long in the hospital and all those worries.....just want to focus on work a bit. I just want to spend a little time bonding with soleil as well.

On an up note-me and my husband took Neve to the pediatrician on Thursday. She went from 4.11 pounds to 5.7 pounds in a week. That made me so happy because that means that we are doing something right. Soleil is now 5.12 pounds- she's much rounder than Neve- she actually is starting to look like a full term baby!

My husband also seems to be a wonderful dad. He worries and nurtures them already. Its beautiful to see. He's the dad that I always wanted to have- warm and caring. I mean, my dad was caring but didn't show it too much, but he was never really warm. But yet, we still feel so uneasy in our home- we wont be a family until our little sunshine returns.

I have a few new pics of neve- but refuse to put them up without pictures of soleil. I tend to run out of my house and forget to bring a camera to the nicu.

I cannot believe that I have been a mommy now for over a month. Although I still don't really feel like one- I wonder when that kicks in. Since Neve is a preemie she doesn't really make too much eye contact with me- she looks at everything but me. Well, actually she looks at me when I'm not looking, but averts her stare when I look back. She does this to both me and my husband. Maybe when she starts looking back at me I will be able to bond with her more.

Neve has been home now for over a week- and I think I'm doing well. I'm not as scared to be left alone with her. All the nurses said when Neve was released that it would be easier to take one baby home and than the other so that I can get into a routine. I don't know how true that is- I think it would have been easier to have them both at once- because once you feel that you have a handle on one- another one is then added to the mix and it does get more complicated. At the same time, I do feel that my family is NOT complete until she is home. Its as if everything is still up in the air, and my mind is neither here nor there.

As for sleep- I sleep when she sleeps. My husband is a great help, but when he has work in the mornings, I let him sleep through the night (he works 3 days and is in school 3 days). His semester is over today and so this means he will be home 4 days a week until the end of January! I am so excited about having him here. He always seems to calm me down- he is the relaxed one out of us. I also know that so many people have raised children with nothing bad happening to them, so I need to just relax- but of course that is easier said than done (especially considering all that I have been through).

I have turned into a domestic. I have been cooking during the day when Neve sleeps and organizing the house. I want my children to grow up in a home where mommy cooks- but not because she has to- but because she WANTS to. I have a wonderful husband that also pitches in all the time. He knows that this is a partnership. When I do go back to work he too will start cooking- cant wait for that one!

I am taking an infant CPR class tomorrow. The hours suck (btwn 1-3pm) so I have to go alone. My husband will be at work, and my mom will watch neve. I would have postponed taking the class but the next one is on January 6th and I don't want to wait that long. My mother and husband will go together on that day so that they learn what to do as well.

Oh- I had my baby shower over a week ago and let me tell you- it was nice. All my friends came and I got almost everything off my registry! My friends were very generous. Of course I did butt heads with the friend that threw the party because she refused to discuss the menu with me. This was bad because her menu consisted of food that I knew was not going to go over well. When I had suggested adding sushi (out of my pocket) she got very mad at me and said that she would be offended if I added that to the menu. I told her she shouldn't be offended, but that I was giving people a choice- but she still had attitude. Meanwhile- many people were not fans of what she made, but instead devoured the sushi.

She also is quite the control freak and bitched constantly. She also made everyone VERY aware that she did everything. She did work hard though, but that still dosnt justify her bitchiness (she was bitchy at times to my friends!). I did put her in her place when she needed to be. Here are two pictures from the event. I am serously huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know, I know- I just had twins last month... but I still cant take looking at pictures of me now!

By the way, did I fail to mention that my upstairs neighbor has a piano right on top of my living room and randomly plays the same song every few hours? Oh- and that apparently he breaks out into song in the room right on top of my daughters nursery. Wait it gets better- he sings with a microphone!!! I am not sure if this man is retired or he does this for a living but I want to shoot myself. All he sings is "I left my heart in San Fransisco". I wish he would go back to San Fransisco to find his heart and stay there.

And for reading my post- here is a beautiful pick of neve sleeping on her daddy and smiling.

scared

I really am scared to death.


My husband was home for two days and tomorrow he goes back to work and I am scared of being alone with her. I'm scared something will happen to her and I wont know what to do.

Its like all this time- I'm scared over one thing or another. At first it wasn't being able to get pregnant, than scared that the ivf wouldn't work. Once I was pregnant, scared that it wouldn't last- then scared that my babies would be born too early. Once they were born early- scared that something might happen to them.. scared to death actually.

I'm so green at this- I don't know what all the little grunt mean. Maybe shes in pain, maybe she'll stop breathing. And soleil isn't even home yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do I do when there are two of them- how will I rest? As it is I am attached to the sound monitor listening and dissecting every little sound. I know this is normal.. I just wish I had more confidence. I do hope it comes with time.

And not to leave out my precious Soleil...

1 Down- 1 To Go

Neve came home on Monday night (thus the lack of posts). I finally feel like a mother- sleep deprived.

The day was bittersweet. Of course I was happy to finally bring her home, but Soleil had to be taken out of the annex to the main NICU for closer observation because of her apnea's. She took a step backwards while her sister took a step forward. I feel very torn.

Soleil has the problem with the suck/swallow/breathing reflex- which they say is very normal in preemies (of course that doesn't make me sleep better at night). They say she should be outgrowing it any day now. I worry so much. Even with Neve being home- I jump out of bed every hour to make sure she's breathing- is this how all new mothers feel?

I took Neve for her first pediatrician's appointment yesterday. It was funny- my mom came with me (we sort of made up last week because she "apologized") and Neve's pediatrician was my pediatrician. When he held her up naked, she peed on the leather bed in the room. He also went to visit soleil in the hospital today and said she's doing fine but this is what all preemies do (he was the head of that NICU for many years so I trust him when he says not to worry)

Of course, my mind is always with soleil. I cant run back and forth to the hospital as I did before because now Neve is home. Me and my husband go once a day for the 8pm feeding. I feel like I'm abandoning her, although I know that it's not out of choice. My mom watches Neve at 8pm when we leave, but it seems like she's not yet to comfortable holding her little preemie body- not to say that she doesn't hold her, its just that I can tell shes not a pro at it yet like we are.

Also will I ever get sleep again? I dont think I will... its called mommyhood. I sleep with one eye open and constantly dream that something happens to my babies (which I read somewhere is very normal for new mothers). Just wishing Soleil was home to complete our family.

Here are pictures of Neve at home and Neve at the Dr's office:

The woman wont stop

Just when I think I am mad enough at my mother....

I wake up to a phone call from my aunt (who lives in Israel mind you). Now she is my mother's sister and is like my older sister. We are very similar and we get along very well.

She tells me that she spoke to my mother and that my mother told her that I had taken away her authority to see the girls. I said that was 100% true and went on to tell her my side of the story. She said that she thinks that my mother was in the wrong, but to forgive my mother because she has been through a rough year and is in a bad place (my grandmother passed away in june).

Now the problem is my mother does not think she did anything wrong (thus no apology from her). She goes ahead and tells her sister the story (of course in her version I am wrong) although she did say that I had specifically told her not to bring anyone- so how is she NOT in the wrong?

She did this to herself and if she refuses to apologize to me- nothing will be resolved. If she does not come to me and apologize for not respecting my authority as a mother and being sneaky (by not telling me she had brought her friend to the NICU when I had spoken to her that day knowing that I had told her not to) there is nothing to say.

It's sad- so of course my morning is now ruined. Its sad when you cant stand your own mother.


** Update: So I decided to call my mother to see if she would apologize- boy was I wrong! All she did was try and justify her actions. When I asked her point blank: "Did I not tell you not to bring anyone with you?" She answered, "So what?"

When I told her my husband too was hurt by her actions- she said he had no right to be and had no say in the matter and should stay out of it. She said that she opened up her home to him when he came here from Israel 3.5 years ago- OK, so what? Does that mean he has no right to be upset when she goes over our heads? Does this mean that he is indebted forever? I told him what she said. I mean, I thought long and hard about whether or not to let him know what she said about him,but that was the only way for him to truly realize and see what kind of woman she is. So I told him and he is even angrier with her- of course he wouldn't ever say anything to her unless she brings it up. She thinks that everyone should be indebted to her and that she can do whatever she wants.

Needless to say the conversation did not end well- actually worse off. I tried to bet he bigger person, but that cant happen apparently. Not with her. Trying to let it roll off my back... now I need to look into other child care options. Not sure how I will be able to deal with it- since its now going to cost me double (money which I do not have). Thanks mom!

No sleep

Did I mention that I'm not really sleeping? I am usually half asleep at night, and when I do sleep I dream about my girls in the NICU. It's really no fun at all. I guess mom brain has kicked in. It's as if my mind/body knows that I'm a mom and wont let me rest until my girls are home and/or in college.

On Sunday I spoke to one of the doctors in the NICU and she said that if Soleil was off the C-PAP for over 48 hours they would consider taking her up to the ANNEX where her sister is. So yesterday afternoon it had been over 48 hours without the c-pap (go soleil go!) and I had asked if she would be taken upstairs. One nurse said that there were other babies that would probably be taken up before her since they were in open air cribs while she is still in an isolette (as if she was low in the "food chain").

The annex on the 2nd floor where Neve is is really small- maybe just 10 babies or so. Soleil's NICU doctor who is so sweet said that she would see what she cold do, and would see if soleil was even ready to be taken upstairs. I said that it would be easier on me if they were together, but I would understand if she wasn't taken up.

Last night when I went to visit Soleil- she was gone. They had moved her to the annex where Neve is! I almost cried. The nurse said to me "I guess it's good when you speak up sometimes".

Me and my husband ran upstairs and there were my munchkins- in the same room! My husband held Neve, while I held Soleil and we each fed one. It was so nice!

Soleil ate her entire feeding by bottle, while Neve only took a little less than half. One is stronger than the other in different areas I suppose. Neve's nurse this morning said that she had a fever last night so she opened her isolette to air it out and her fever went down, then it went up again. She will try to put her in an open air crib to see if that helps her. I guess this worry never goes away.

I think it finally hit us last night as we each held one daughter- we have twins. How are we going to do this? I mean, even the simple things like feeding them? If my husband is asleep and I am the only one awake, how will I manage to hold and feed them both when they are so small? Do I put them in their swings and hold the bottles for them? There is no handbook for this.

I am so paranoid I even went out and purchased the sensor monitors to put under their mattresses (it beeps if it doesn't detect movement for over 20 seconds). I don't know if they are a waste of money or not- any thoughts?

On another note, my mother still has not called me to apologize. I don't think she thinks that what she did was wrong. Everyone that I spoke with says she crossed the line. It just hurts... I always longed to have a good relationship with her. It would break my heart if my girls felt the same way toward me as I feel toward my mother. I hope that I have learnt from her mistakes and only take away the good that she has.

Oh- and my apt is coming along, slowly but surely. We do have a deadline which helps get things done (my baby shower on Sunday). The only thing missing in the nursery are curtains and the wooden letters that I ordered to place on the wall by their cribs (with their names). I will post pictures when their room is finally done (I still hate that dang bathroom though).

Just found out that my SIL is 5 months pregnant. Good for her- but she is getting no reaction, just like I didn't get one from her. It's sad that she ruined our friendship. Hope she and her husband are doing well- since I don't know how smart it is to bring another child into the world when you and your husband hate one another, are passive aggressive with each other and when your husband cheats on you.

Next week my husband and I are taking a baby CPR class. I really think all parents should take them before they bring their baby home. I will feel less powerless once I have some sort of knowledge on the subject.

By the way, did I mention how much Soleil looks like me as a baby? The first picture is of me and the next pic is her. Do you see a resemblance? Very eerie.

My ladies

Soleil:

Neve:

I cant wait until they are in the same NICU room when I can finally introduce them to one another.....

Did I mention how in love with them I am?

So I now have a pediatrician for the girls. He was mine!



Dr P was a young doctor just starting out the day I was born in the hospital (same hospital where my girls were born) and was my doctor until I was 15. He was a great doctor- he always made me laugh as a child. Not only is he a great Dr, he was also the chief of the nicu a few years back, so I know he knows what he's doing with preemies.



I gave his office a call yesterday and he called me back. I don't think he remembers me, I mean he has had many many children come through those office doors in the past 26 years. When I mentioned my mother though- he remembered her (my mother claimed he would remember her since she says he used to check her out- I guess she was right). He went to check on my girls in the NICU this morning before going to a neonatal convention in Washington this afternoon.

I went this afternoon with my father to bru and he bought us a double stroller. Afterwards we went to the NICU. While I was visiting Soleil, her nurse said that my mother had been there earlier with a friend. That was it. I lost it.

My issues with my mother will NEVER go away. I specifically asked her not to bring anyone with her to the nicu. I specifically told her that once the girls were out of the hospital then her friends were more than welcome to see them. But does the woman care about my wishes? No- she goes above my head and brings people along with her to the nicu. Are my daughters in the circus? Do my wishes mean anything to her? No, I guess they don't.

My nicu's rules for visitors are that no one can visit the babies without the parents unless their id's were photocopied and I signed that I allow them to visit without me. I did this with my mother- so how did her friend get in? My mom snuck her friend in! The nurse said she let her in because she knew she was my mother and that my mom begged her. I asked her how she allowed someone else in that I did not allow and she didn't know what to say. I was

When I went upstairs to visit neve, I asked her nurse if she allowed my mother in with her friend because I did not allow it. She said that she told my mother that she could not bring in anyone that I did not sign for unless she calls me and I let the nurse know over the phone that its ok- which my mom did not do since she knows that I did not want anyone seeing them. Since my mother does not care about my wishes, I decided to tell them to remove her name from the visitors list- she is no longer welcome to visit the girls without me. That might sound harsh, but that's the only way she will learn. I called her and informed her of this and said that since she does not respect my wishes, she will not see the girls. I hung up on her and she left me a very nasty voice message.

It hurts that this is the type of relationship that I have with my mother. I now know the love of a mother to a daughter.... and just to think that we don't get along hurts me. But she will never change and I cannot accept her behavior.

She keeps saying that I need her- since she will be taking care of my girls when I go back to work, but I would rather pay a stranger more money to take care of my children then have someone not respect my wishes. She keeps pulling out the caregiver card over and over again to hold over my head- and I will NOT take it. I do not need her. Not on her terms.