Girly Girl

I am one of two children. I have an older brother (who shall remain nameless) that is three years my senior and I am the baby girl.

Now, one would think that parents should not play favorites, but they do. At least mine did. Needless to say, I was not the favorite.

My brother has always been quiet. As a child, he was content to stay in his room and play by himself. When I was born, a tornado hit my home (figuratively speaking of course- since tornado's don't usually hit Brooklyn). I was loud, opinionated, and needed answers to just about everything. That, along with my gap teeth and frizzy hair, garnered me a "problem child".

I was very loud and would run around with the boys. My mother often said I should have been born a boy. Of course, that's never a good thing for a 6 year old self esteem. I was girly in my own way. I loved to draw, had an imaginary TV show which I starred in, and loved all things pink and Barbie.

I guess my mother was expecting a frilly little girl in a tutu (see above) who was quiet and thin.

I was neither.

I tried for many years to figure out what was wrong with me- why I wasn't what my mother thought I was "suppose" to be, until I realized that the problem did not lie within me- it was her.

So it's not surprising that after all these years, I resent my mother for words that she may have said in passing- that affected my life...... AFFECTS my life until today.

Today I am a 25 year old married woman. I have had no problems succeeding in life. No one would call me mannish. Since I am now an adult, I am considered a strong, confident, intelligent, independent woman. All the qualities that I was berated for as a child, are what I am complimented for today. Go figure.

Broken Glass

So yesterday marked the first day of Spring yet its still cold.

I leave for my mini vacation on Saturday. I'm flying to Israel. Its not a vacation, so much as my cousin's wedding (she is like a sister to me after all). I am also spending the weekend at my grandparents home. My mother is there now, caring for my sick grandmother, and it will be nice to spend time with the two. It may be the last time I see my safta (granny) since she is dying of cancer.

It's kind of scary considering that the same exact plane that I am leaving on had its engine shatter right before take off on Tuesday.. on the same run- way, going to the same location. That would freak anyone out I would say.

Ive been on Birth control pills for a few days now, and no side effects yet. I have very little appetite (which is alway good).I was a little emotional on Tuesday, but that kind of subsided now. I'm also on the south beach diet- day 9. I do feel as though I have lost some weight. That's always a good thing .

I have not packed yet. My house was in a disarray last night. As I was picking up sh*t from the floor of my living room, I noticed that my dear, dear, husband was throwing papers on the floor that he had just printed. I became upset with this- seeing as though I was trying to organize the house, and told him that he shouldn't throw things on the floor. He went blazing mad, as if I just called his sister a hooker, and proceeded to fling a glass mug with dry coffee grinds on the floor besides me ( not on me- because he wouldn't do that. Not yet anyway- our marriage is still young). As I stood there surrounded by broken glass and coffee grinds everywhere, I decided to walk away.

The man is nuts.

Granted, he was stressed out because of a big project that he was doing for a mid- term. But to fling a cup in the air is never a rational thing to do. He stood there, with his shirt all stained and body all a- huff and started screaming. I walked away and told him I was NOT cleaning that mess up.

I awoke today to a clean floor. That actually surprised me since he is definitely the type to have left it there in spite. But I figure he thinks that since I am going to be away for a week, I wont care enough to pick it up. I would have left it there to tell you the truth. Then you would have had to have cleaned it up.

He's not a bad guy. I don't blame him for his actions. My husband grew up in a house where breaking things was a way to vent, and accepted. But didn't we all come from some sort of home with dysfunctional traits? I did. I went to therapy to get that out of my system.

My husband has absolutely changed. He was worse at one point, but the breaking objects only happens about twice a year now. Not too bad. He does not get as angry these days because I learnt what buttons not to press anymore- that combined with being away from the family that accepts and tolerates that behavior.

My children will NOT grow up in a house like that. It will not happen. I will not go through all this IVF process and not try to shelter them from abusive and dysfunctional behavior around them. I mean, I will probably do everything for my children, and they will one day turn around and say that they hate me. That's inevitable. But the least I could do is attempt to have a harmonious home.

I need this trip.

Safta

I'm cranky today.

I've been cranky for a week now. I guess I have been looking forward to so many things that aren't happening. I needed a change of pace. I need some kind of change.

Of course I should be excited because I am finally going through with my ivf cycle. Which means within 2 months I should know whether or not I will be a mom by next year. But what if it doesn't take? What if it doesn't happen? Then I will have had a really bad year.

Of course, I cant complain. I'm still young, and I have my health (Somewhat).

My grandmother is dying.

She has cancer and is slowly vanishing. My safta. The woman I adore. She makes up these fake songs. As a child, when she would try to get me to sleep- she would sing a song she made up on the spot. She did that until a year ago. Until this whole thing happened that came and took that grandmother away. Now all that's left is a grandmother who is in pain. A shell of a person. A woman that hasn't been told outright that she only has X amount of time left, but obviously senses it.

My grandparents have been together since they were 18 years old. That's about 54 years now. My grandfather ADORES her. Up until the sickness, she would dance around for him, lifting up her skirt in a seduction dance as my grandfather would stare at her adoringly. And I always managed to be in awe of their love.

My grandfather may not have been college educated, but how could he have been? He came to Israel as a teen from Yemen on the "magic carpet" ( what they called the return of the Yemenite Jews into the holy land in the 40's). Although he did not attend conventional school, he is one of the smartest men you could meet. His hobby is doing crossword puzzles that he hides under his couch in the porch. He knows the tallest mountain, all about the flat lands, can recall all the major cities.... and my grandmother is illiterate. They sit and watch television together and because most of the programs are not in their native tongue, my grandfather reads the subtitles and translates for her, while my grandmother makes up her own story for whats unfolding in front of her on "The Young and the Restless". I always wondered how that dynamic worked. I couldn't marry someone who was not as intelligent as I am. But it works for them.

He is dependent on her. If she goes.. he will join her shortly thereafter. I guarantee it. My family would always say, if one of them had to go first, it should be him, because he wouldn't be able to deal with the loss. And now its the opposite. She'll go first.

I've never really had someone so close to me be terminally ill. And every time I think about it.. I cry. As I'm doing right now, in my cubicle.

I wish I had some time to do nothing but spend time with her. To sit and listen to her stories ( which are many). To appreciate this woman and take her in. So that maybe one day, I could attempt to be like her.

IVF: Monday Day 1

I got my period yesterday.

I no longer have that tinge of hope that I may be pregnant. I know that it wont happen naturally for me. It's just not in the stars. I have come to accept that. So on day 2 ( which is today) I had to go get my blood work done. I have no idea what they are checking for, some kind of horomone I assume. The doors opened at 6:45 am, and I was third on line, not too shabby considering there were about 12-14 women that came in after me. I took a cab and arrived early so that I could get to work on time, which I did. Now I have to wait for the ivf nurses to call me back so that they can give me the green light to start taking birth control pills. Isnt that crazy- I'm trying to get pg and I need to go on bcp for a month? From what I understand ( which isnt much) the bcp are suppose to make my eggs or follicals the same size. Three weeks into the bc, I have to start taking my shots. But I wont speak about that now.

What I want to write about are birth control pills. I have been on them once in my life, for a span of 4 weeks. I gained about 8 pounds. Of course I was a different person then- I was overweight as it was, I didnt eat right- I didnt know how to. So when the bcp made me hungry, I ate. I ate like a pig. When I stopped taking them a month later, I lost the weight. So needless to say I havent taken any since 2000.

My best friend Franny, which has an 11 month child at home and is expecting her second in a month, recommended I take ortha tri- cyclin low. Now I know I shouldnt be taking birth control advice from a woman who is having her second child in a year's span, but she is a wise girl. She said that when she took it, she actually lost weight- and so did her sister-in-law. So I figure, why not give it a try?
I scanned websites trying to find out other women's experiences after taking it, and believe me when I say- I should not have read them! Women are saying they gained a lot of weight, it made them intolerable to live with etc.... I hope it has the opposite effect on me. I cant gain weight right now since my cousin's wedding is next week ( in Israel) and I'm flying out on Saturday. The last thing I need is to put on a nother 10 pounds.

I've been on the south beach diet now since wednesday, and I feel as though it's helped. I'm not sure how much weight I've lost, since I havent hopped on a scale in months ( out of shear dread). I really want to lose 10 pounds. On the south beach plan you cant have any sugar, fruit, carbs, starches....pretty much you cant have anything good. All Ive been eating is meat, eggs, cheese and veggies. I've cut out sugar- which is my weakness- even out of my coffee. YOu know what- I like it without sugar! But, I could not cut out my milk in my coffee. Just couldnt do it.

Along with all that drama, I am waiting on an answer about a position that I interviewed for a week and a half ago. It seemed to have gone really well, but for some reason- still no answer. She even got a great refrence for me from the evp of ad sales cnn- but still nothing. I was keeping up hope, bec it went well and its a perfect fit and all- until now. I went into the company website and that job was posted again on the site on friday. I wonder why that is? Is it automaticly updated until it's offical? Im starting to lose hope... there is no good reason why she shouldnt pick me as her assistant. I have experinece, I know everyone at my company- which she needs.. and yet I still havent heard back. I guess if its meant to be it will be. Its hard to swallow sometimes, but thats just life.