Update

Ive noticed a few differences in our girls. Neve is very quiet and seems to be lost in a deep sea of thoughts. She only cries when she's hungry and is content just sitting back and staring.

Soleil on the other hand- needs to be held. She loves to be cuddled and cries most of the time. When she's hungry, tired, achy....... when we place her in her swing she falls asleep and stays asleep. I think being elevated helps her.

We're still not sleeping well at all. Last night after I fed Neve and put her down, she woke up again 12 minutes later and started crying. She was still hungry! I had just put my head down to sleep and was in shock when she started crying again. My husband is not working these two weeks so we are both on baby patrol. Not sure what will happen when we have to go back to work. I guess we'll take each day as it comes.


Soleil still has apnea issues. Yesterday as my husband was feeding her, she turned blue- she stopped breathing! He started patting her on the back and she awoke. When I asked my pediatrician yesterday, he said that it may still happen until she is 40 weeks gestational age. Great, another 3 weeks of this scare!

Oh, and Neve's pinkie on her left hand is always curled- as if she cant move it. The doctor said that he doesn't think its cause for concern, and that it may have been that way in utero- or it may have been dislocated (thanks NICU!). He said it may correct itself and that we'll keep an eye on it. She may need physical therapy if this doesn't go away with time.

As for right now, we are not sleeping at all, but we do get to enjoy taking fun pics of our ladies:

Soleil (first day home):

Neve: we love to abuse them with funny hats!

I couldnt resist putting on headbands!

Neve: bathtimeSoleil Bathtime

So now we know we had it easy with Neve- Soleil is very colicky. We are exhausted . She cries non-stop. It must be her tummy because when we put her down in her crib she cries non stop. When we hold her she stops. Any advice? I left a message with my doctor to see if I can give her anti-gas drops. Now we are totally zombie-like.

Guess who's home?

I hardly had any sleep last night.

Neve wanted to eat every 2 hours. That meant that by the time I:
changed her diaper
she ate 1 ounce (she eats 2 ounces)
burped (she stops eating after one ounce until she has been burped)
Ate the last ounce
burped
held for twenty minutes (as we were told she should be for reflux purposes)

was about an hour.

She is a very slow eater and thus once she was finally in bed after this entire process, an hour later she was up again. I am exhausted! My husband has to wake up at 3:45am on Monday mornings for work- so I let him sleep. I almost cried when for the third time in a row she woke up *(I only got 40 minutes of sleep in between her feeds).

And Soleil isn't home yet.
My husband is taking two weeks off of work once Soleil comes home- which they think might be soon (don't want to jinx myself by saying when) so at least we will have one another.

I have soooooo many doctors appointments for them. Shots, eye exams, head ultrasounds, cardiologist app, lung Dr app, developmental..... its unbelievable!! What am I going to do if I have to go back to work on jan 8th?? Meanwhile my boss has yet to reply and let me know if it's ok to take personal leave until feb 5th- so as of now I am set to return on jan 8th until I am told otherwise. I cant risk losing my job. My husband is now only working 3 days a week while he is on winter break from school, so at least one of us will be home until the end of January (in case I do have to go back in the beginning of jan)

Last night we went to visit Soleil as we do every night. You know what I find surreal? She looks JUST like me as a baby. So when she looks at me with my eyes- and my face- it's as if I somehow managed to take a time machine back in time to see myself as a baby. I am not kidding about how much she resembles me. My parents are so weirded out by the resemblance.

My girls have outgrown the preemie size diapers! I am so excited. They are now a size 1. You have no idea how happy that makes me.

What will make me happier is to see the two of them together. I mean I did see them in cribs right next to each other- but thats not the same. I want to lay them one right by the other and at least take one picture. Its like our minds know that we have twins, but not concurrently. I think it will sink in when we see them laying side by side. I am not sure if I will put them in the same crib. I am afraid that one will wake the other or somehow roll on the other (even with a partition). I know they don't really move much at this point, but I still get scared.

As for feedings- I do not breastfeed because I am hardly enough milk for one baby- let alone two. Plus it seems to be very very hard for them to get the milk out so for now I am pumping as much as I can. I only usually have enough for 2 feeds each which is at least something. I will try to get a lactation consultant to come to my home and see if there is anything I can do.

As for the advice that all you wonderful moms have given me about feeding twins- my only dilemma about propping one baby up on a boppy, or putting them in a bouncy seat- is that they are still so small. I need to be able to pick them up quickly if they cough and that will be hard when I have two. So still don't know what to do.

I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your beautiful families.

questions

i have a question for you mommy's of twins.

when soleil comes home- i have no idea what to do with feeding schedules. i mean, should me and my husband both wake up and each feed one- or should we feed them in shifts?

neve wakes up every 2-3 hours to eat. my pediatrician says to feed her on demand, and if she sleeps up to 5 hours in a row, not to wake her. now what happens when both wake up simultaneously and want to eat? i mean, you can only feed one at a time. i have no idea how this is going to work.

any suggestions?

Me so tired......

So I read somewhere that new parents lose 720 hours of sleep a year. How much does that equate to with twins?

Of course my Soleil still isn't even home yet. Yesterday when we went for the 8pm feeding, the nurse had told me that she had a few desats. Her heart rate drops while she eats and her breathing slows. Now, by this point the episodes should be dropping, but in her case they don't seem to be. I asked the nurse to call a doctor so that I could talk to them.

A resident comes up, with absolutely no information. She pretty much says that Soleil will just continue to be monitored and that she may come home with an apnea machine. Meanwhile, my pediatrician (who goes to the NICU daily and was the chief of that NICU for many years) said that she wont come home until she no longer has those episodes and therefore wont need the apnea machine. So much conflicting information and the resident seemed unaware and green. I told her I needed more than just a surface answer. She didn't have any- she kind of just shrugged.

So we fed Soleil and headed downstairs to the main NICU to find an attending. It's much easier to find waldo than it is to find an attending doctor.

The receptionist called and found an attending and she comes in to see us (I suspect she came in quickly because she thinks we are a sweet couple- I did buy everyone in the NICU a big box of donuts the other day). She said that most babies outgrow the apnea's by 37 weeks (which is a week and a half away) and if she doesn't, than they will look into other causes. She also said that they could send her home with an apnea machine- if I were comfortable. I am not. I do not want her home with this problem because I do not feel equipped to handle a non-breathing baby situation when I have another baby at home. The doctor said that it is a plus that the lowering of the heart rate and desaturation in breathing happens only during feedings and poops (and not randomly during sleep thank GD).

So yeah, she just needs to be monitored. I mean, I know that there are babies whose situations are much more dire, and my questions and worries seem so small for everyone- but this is still my daughter- and she is not yet home. And I worry. I sit at home and cannot truly enjoy Neve because Soleil isn't here. When I am in the hospital with Soleil, I worry about Neve being home. I just cant seem to rest.

On top of all of this, I just found out that my 12 week maternity leave was cut down to 8 weeks. It seems that my 4-5 week hospital bedrest ate up my short term disability/ fmla. This would put me back to work on Jan 8th! I am not prepared for that especially since soleil isn't home. I spoke to my HR and she suggested that I ask my boss to approve a personal leave for the 4 weeks. I emailed my boss and have not heard back from her yet. I don't think she would find that to be a problem since she herself told me a few weeks ago in an email to take my time coming back and that she would love to come to my home to visit the girls. But it makes me nervous that she has yet to answer my email.

You know what though? A part of me cant wait to go back to work to get my life a bit back to normal. I sat on my as*s for so long in the hospital and all those worries.....just want to focus on work a bit. I just want to spend a little time bonding with soleil as well.

On an up note-me and my husband took Neve to the pediatrician on Thursday. She went from 4.11 pounds to 5.7 pounds in a week. That made me so happy because that means that we are doing something right. Soleil is now 5.12 pounds- she's much rounder than Neve- she actually is starting to look like a full term baby!

My husband also seems to be a wonderful dad. He worries and nurtures them already. Its beautiful to see. He's the dad that I always wanted to have- warm and caring. I mean, my dad was caring but didn't show it too much, but he was never really warm. But yet, we still feel so uneasy in our home- we wont be a family until our little sunshine returns.

I have a few new pics of neve- but refuse to put them up without pictures of soleil. I tend to run out of my house and forget to bring a camera to the nicu.

I cannot believe that I have been a mommy now for over a month. Although I still don't really feel like one- I wonder when that kicks in. Since Neve is a preemie she doesn't really make too much eye contact with me- she looks at everything but me. Well, actually she looks at me when I'm not looking, but averts her stare when I look back. She does this to both me and my husband. Maybe when she starts looking back at me I will be able to bond with her more.

Neve has been home now for over a week- and I think I'm doing well. I'm not as scared to be left alone with her. All the nurses said when Neve was released that it would be easier to take one baby home and than the other so that I can get into a routine. I don't know how true that is- I think it would have been easier to have them both at once- because once you feel that you have a handle on one- another one is then added to the mix and it does get more complicated. At the same time, I do feel that my family is NOT complete until she is home. Its as if everything is still up in the air, and my mind is neither here nor there.

As for sleep- I sleep when she sleeps. My husband is a great help, but when he has work in the mornings, I let him sleep through the night (he works 3 days and is in school 3 days). His semester is over today and so this means he will be home 4 days a week until the end of January! I am so excited about having him here. He always seems to calm me down- he is the relaxed one out of us. I also know that so many people have raised children with nothing bad happening to them, so I need to just relax- but of course that is easier said than done (especially considering all that I have been through).

I have turned into a domestic. I have been cooking during the day when Neve sleeps and organizing the house. I want my children to grow up in a home where mommy cooks- but not because she has to- but because she WANTS to. I have a wonderful husband that also pitches in all the time. He knows that this is a partnership. When I do go back to work he too will start cooking- cant wait for that one!

I am taking an infant CPR class tomorrow. The hours suck (btwn 1-3pm) so I have to go alone. My husband will be at work, and my mom will watch neve. I would have postponed taking the class but the next one is on January 6th and I don't want to wait that long. My mother and husband will go together on that day so that they learn what to do as well.

Oh- I had my baby shower over a week ago and let me tell you- it was nice. All my friends came and I got almost everything off my registry! My friends were very generous. Of course I did butt heads with the friend that threw the party because she refused to discuss the menu with me. This was bad because her menu consisted of food that I knew was not going to go over well. When I had suggested adding sushi (out of my pocket) she got very mad at me and said that she would be offended if I added that to the menu. I told her she shouldn't be offended, but that I was giving people a choice- but she still had attitude. Meanwhile- many people were not fans of what she made, but instead devoured the sushi.

She also is quite the control freak and bitched constantly. She also made everyone VERY aware that she did everything. She did work hard though, but that still dosnt justify her bitchiness (she was bitchy at times to my friends!). I did put her in her place when she needed to be. Here are two pictures from the event. I am serously huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know, I know- I just had twins last month... but I still cant take looking at pictures of me now!

By the way, did I fail to mention that my upstairs neighbor has a piano right on top of my living room and randomly plays the same song every few hours? Oh- and that apparently he breaks out into song in the room right on top of my daughters nursery. Wait it gets better- he sings with a microphone!!! I am not sure if this man is retired or he does this for a living but I want to shoot myself. All he sings is "I left my heart in San Fransisco". I wish he would go back to San Fransisco to find his heart and stay there.

And for reading my post- here is a beautiful pick of neve sleeping on her daddy and smiling.

scared

I really am scared to death.


My husband was home for two days and tomorrow he goes back to work and I am scared of being alone with her. I'm scared something will happen to her and I wont know what to do.

Its like all this time- I'm scared over one thing or another. At first it wasn't being able to get pregnant, than scared that the ivf wouldn't work. Once I was pregnant, scared that it wouldn't last- then scared that my babies would be born too early. Once they were born early- scared that something might happen to them.. scared to death actually.

I'm so green at this- I don't know what all the little grunt mean. Maybe shes in pain, maybe she'll stop breathing. And soleil isn't even home yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What do I do when there are two of them- how will I rest? As it is I am attached to the sound monitor listening and dissecting every little sound. I know this is normal.. I just wish I had more confidence. I do hope it comes with time.

And not to leave out my precious Soleil...

1 Down- 1 To Go

Neve came home on Monday night (thus the lack of posts). I finally feel like a mother- sleep deprived.

The day was bittersweet. Of course I was happy to finally bring her home, but Soleil had to be taken out of the annex to the main NICU for closer observation because of her apnea's. She took a step backwards while her sister took a step forward. I feel very torn.

Soleil has the problem with the suck/swallow/breathing reflex- which they say is very normal in preemies (of course that doesn't make me sleep better at night). They say she should be outgrowing it any day now. I worry so much. Even with Neve being home- I jump out of bed every hour to make sure she's breathing- is this how all new mothers feel?

I took Neve for her first pediatrician's appointment yesterday. It was funny- my mom came with me (we sort of made up last week because she "apologized") and Neve's pediatrician was my pediatrician. When he held her up naked, she peed on the leather bed in the room. He also went to visit soleil in the hospital today and said she's doing fine but this is what all preemies do (he was the head of that NICU for many years so I trust him when he says not to worry)

Of course, my mind is always with soleil. I cant run back and forth to the hospital as I did before because now Neve is home. Me and my husband go once a day for the 8pm feeding. I feel like I'm abandoning her, although I know that it's not out of choice. My mom watches Neve at 8pm when we leave, but it seems like she's not yet to comfortable holding her little preemie body- not to say that she doesn't hold her, its just that I can tell shes not a pro at it yet like we are.

Also will I ever get sleep again? I dont think I will... its called mommyhood. I sleep with one eye open and constantly dream that something happens to my babies (which I read somewhere is very normal for new mothers). Just wishing Soleil was home to complete our family.

Here are pictures of Neve at home and Neve at the Dr's office:

The woman wont stop

Just when I think I am mad enough at my mother....

I wake up to a phone call from my aunt (who lives in Israel mind you). Now she is my mother's sister and is like my older sister. We are very similar and we get along very well.

She tells me that she spoke to my mother and that my mother told her that I had taken away her authority to see the girls. I said that was 100% true and went on to tell her my side of the story. She said that she thinks that my mother was in the wrong, but to forgive my mother because she has been through a rough year and is in a bad place (my grandmother passed away in june).

Now the problem is my mother does not think she did anything wrong (thus no apology from her). She goes ahead and tells her sister the story (of course in her version I am wrong) although she did say that I had specifically told her not to bring anyone- so how is she NOT in the wrong?

She did this to herself and if she refuses to apologize to me- nothing will be resolved. If she does not come to me and apologize for not respecting my authority as a mother and being sneaky (by not telling me she had brought her friend to the NICU when I had spoken to her that day knowing that I had told her not to) there is nothing to say.

It's sad- so of course my morning is now ruined. Its sad when you cant stand your own mother.


** Update: So I decided to call my mother to see if she would apologize- boy was I wrong! All she did was try and justify her actions. When I asked her point blank: "Did I not tell you not to bring anyone with you?" She answered, "So what?"

When I told her my husband too was hurt by her actions- she said he had no right to be and had no say in the matter and should stay out of it. She said that she opened up her home to him when he came here from Israel 3.5 years ago- OK, so what? Does that mean he has no right to be upset when she goes over our heads? Does this mean that he is indebted forever? I told him what she said. I mean, I thought long and hard about whether or not to let him know what she said about him,but that was the only way for him to truly realize and see what kind of woman she is. So I told him and he is even angrier with her- of course he wouldn't ever say anything to her unless she brings it up. She thinks that everyone should be indebted to her and that she can do whatever she wants.

Needless to say the conversation did not end well- actually worse off. I tried to bet he bigger person, but that cant happen apparently. Not with her. Trying to let it roll off my back... now I need to look into other child care options. Not sure how I will be able to deal with it- since its now going to cost me double (money which I do not have). Thanks mom!

No sleep

Did I mention that I'm not really sleeping? I am usually half asleep at night, and when I do sleep I dream about my girls in the NICU. It's really no fun at all. I guess mom brain has kicked in. It's as if my mind/body knows that I'm a mom and wont let me rest until my girls are home and/or in college.

On Sunday I spoke to one of the doctors in the NICU and she said that if Soleil was off the C-PAP for over 48 hours they would consider taking her up to the ANNEX where her sister is. So yesterday afternoon it had been over 48 hours without the c-pap (go soleil go!) and I had asked if she would be taken upstairs. One nurse said that there were other babies that would probably be taken up before her since they were in open air cribs while she is still in an isolette (as if she was low in the "food chain").

The annex on the 2nd floor where Neve is is really small- maybe just 10 babies or so. Soleil's NICU doctor who is so sweet said that she would see what she cold do, and would see if soleil was even ready to be taken upstairs. I said that it would be easier on me if they were together, but I would understand if she wasn't taken up.

Last night when I went to visit Soleil- she was gone. They had moved her to the annex where Neve is! I almost cried. The nurse said to me "I guess it's good when you speak up sometimes".

Me and my husband ran upstairs and there were my munchkins- in the same room! My husband held Neve, while I held Soleil and we each fed one. It was so nice!

Soleil ate her entire feeding by bottle, while Neve only took a little less than half. One is stronger than the other in different areas I suppose. Neve's nurse this morning said that she had a fever last night so she opened her isolette to air it out and her fever went down, then it went up again. She will try to put her in an open air crib to see if that helps her. I guess this worry never goes away.

I think it finally hit us last night as we each held one daughter- we have twins. How are we going to do this? I mean, even the simple things like feeding them? If my husband is asleep and I am the only one awake, how will I manage to hold and feed them both when they are so small? Do I put them in their swings and hold the bottles for them? There is no handbook for this.

I am so paranoid I even went out and purchased the sensor monitors to put under their mattresses (it beeps if it doesn't detect movement for over 20 seconds). I don't know if they are a waste of money or not- any thoughts?

On another note, my mother still has not called me to apologize. I don't think she thinks that what she did was wrong. Everyone that I spoke with says she crossed the line. It just hurts... I always longed to have a good relationship with her. It would break my heart if my girls felt the same way toward me as I feel toward my mother. I hope that I have learnt from her mistakes and only take away the good that she has.

Oh- and my apt is coming along, slowly but surely. We do have a deadline which helps get things done (my baby shower on Sunday). The only thing missing in the nursery are curtains and the wooden letters that I ordered to place on the wall by their cribs (with their names). I will post pictures when their room is finally done (I still hate that dang bathroom though).

Just found out that my SIL is 5 months pregnant. Good for her- but she is getting no reaction, just like I didn't get one from her. It's sad that she ruined our friendship. Hope she and her husband are doing well- since I don't know how smart it is to bring another child into the world when you and your husband hate one another, are passive aggressive with each other and when your husband cheats on you.

Next week my husband and I are taking a baby CPR class. I really think all parents should take them before they bring their baby home. I will feel less powerless once I have some sort of knowledge on the subject.

By the way, did I mention how much Soleil looks like me as a baby? The first picture is of me and the next pic is her. Do you see a resemblance? Very eerie.

My ladies

Soleil:

Neve:

I cant wait until they are in the same NICU room when I can finally introduce them to one another.....

Did I mention how in love with them I am?

So I now have a pediatrician for the girls. He was mine!



Dr P was a young doctor just starting out the day I was born in the hospital (same hospital where my girls were born) and was my doctor until I was 15. He was a great doctor- he always made me laugh as a child. Not only is he a great Dr, he was also the chief of the nicu a few years back, so I know he knows what he's doing with preemies.



I gave his office a call yesterday and he called me back. I don't think he remembers me, I mean he has had many many children come through those office doors in the past 26 years. When I mentioned my mother though- he remembered her (my mother claimed he would remember her since she says he used to check her out- I guess she was right). He went to check on my girls in the NICU this morning before going to a neonatal convention in Washington this afternoon.

I went this afternoon with my father to bru and he bought us a double stroller. Afterwards we went to the NICU. While I was visiting Soleil, her nurse said that my mother had been there earlier with a friend. That was it. I lost it.

My issues with my mother will NEVER go away. I specifically asked her not to bring anyone with her to the nicu. I specifically told her that once the girls were out of the hospital then her friends were more than welcome to see them. But does the woman care about my wishes? No- she goes above my head and brings people along with her to the nicu. Are my daughters in the circus? Do my wishes mean anything to her? No, I guess they don't.

My nicu's rules for visitors are that no one can visit the babies without the parents unless their id's were photocopied and I signed that I allow them to visit without me. I did this with my mother- so how did her friend get in? My mom snuck her friend in! The nurse said she let her in because she knew she was my mother and that my mom begged her. I asked her how she allowed someone else in that I did not allow and she didn't know what to say. I was

When I went upstairs to visit neve, I asked her nurse if she allowed my mother in with her friend because I did not allow it. She said that she told my mother that she could not bring in anyone that I did not sign for unless she calls me and I let the nurse know over the phone that its ok- which my mom did not do since she knows that I did not want anyone seeing them. Since my mother does not care about my wishes, I decided to tell them to remove her name from the visitors list- she is no longer welcome to visit the girls without me. That might sound harsh, but that's the only way she will learn. I called her and informed her of this and said that since she does not respect my wishes, she will not see the girls. I hung up on her and she left me a very nasty voice message.

It hurts that this is the type of relationship that I have with my mother. I now know the love of a mother to a daughter.... and just to think that we don't get along hurts me. But she will never change and I cannot accept her behavior.

She keeps saying that I need her- since she will be taking care of my girls when I go back to work, but I would rather pay a stranger more money to take care of my children then have someone not respect my wishes. She keeps pulling out the caregiver card over and over again to hold over my head- and I will NOT take it. I do not need her. Not on her terms.

update

My girls turned 2 weeks old yesterday. I don't know whether to say they are 32 weeks or 2 weeks old.

Neve was moved upstairs to the annex. That means she's doing better than Soleil. Neve has also started feeding from a bottle, much to her chagrin. She hates it, but she's doing it. The next steps for her are regulating her body temp outside the isolette and exclusive bottle feeding.

Soleil is still on and off the c-pap, her breathing isnt always wonderful. She is now off the phototherapy because her numbers went down... but the girl hates the cpap tubes in her nose. I don't blame her. Her feedings are much better than Neve's though

You know what I realized? I never believed that parent could love their children equally. I always thought you might favor one a bit more than the other. But I realized that I love them equally but differently. They both have their own magic to them, something so special.

My friend's are throwing me a baby shower either next week or the week after. It will be nice to see some people that I have not seen in a while. Since I couldn't have the shower during my pregnancy, we'll have one now.

Oh, and I am now up 35 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I hope the weight starts coming off......but all that matters is that my girls were a good weight at birth, my weight will come off eventually.

A step forward, a step back.

Soleil is back on phototherapy. I hate it. She is the one that is on and off c-pap, and now they are putting her back under the lights. I hate it. I hate that she has to suffer. Yesterday when they re-inserted the cpap into her nose, she was crying. She hates it. I was there and I calmed her down. Of course, I cried because she cried. It hurts to see your child uncomfortable or in pain. I'm crying now.

I know that all this is normal for preemies, it's just hard to watch her take a step backwards. I am thankful that it is only this and not something worse, but its still hard to take. These are my baby girls. Their pain is my pain. I'm a mom, that's it. I'm home now and the thought of her back under the lights with her eyes covered bothers me. She got to see the world for a bit, now that was taken away from her.

I am sorry- its just one of those days. I know I have to stay positive and look at the bright side of things.

my babies

so guess what we did today? we bought the girls cribs and dressers! it was black Friday, and my husband was off from school and work so we went to babiesru.s.

we didn't think we were going to go all out, but we did. do you know how i felt walking into the clothing section, and actually being able to buy clothing for my little girls? it was an indescribable feeling.

we just took a cart and started dropping things in:

clothes
blankets
pacifiers
sheet sets
bottles


and then we went to the furniture section and purchased their things. i love that they have their own things.

yesterday soleil ate from a bottle for the first time! she was making a sucking noise with her mouth as if she was ready to be bottle fed and she did well! the nurses will only bottle feed her once a day so as to not wear her out (they don't want her burning calories).

Neve was bottle fed today but only took in 1cc. At least she's in the game as well.

I spoke to the nurse practitioner and she said that although soleil is a bit behind (with regards to breathing- she's on and off the c-pap), neve is smaller and therefore they each have their own hurdles to overcome. she said that at 34 weeks they will try to put them in an open crib and see how they do. I cant wait to bring my girls home- you have no idea. Until then, I will organize my house and my thoughts and wait.

happy turkey day

I seriously never knew how much love i had in my heart. Being away from them kills me. i know they need to be there so that they can get strong, but tell my heart that. I saw the nurse draw blood from soleil today and she let out a tiny, tired shriek and it hurt my heart so much.

we are fixing up our apt so that we will be ready for them to come home. the house feels empty- even though they have never been here (is that strange?).

i dont know when they will come home, but until then my heart will yearn for my girls.

here are some pictures from this morning- my parents are coming with us to see them tonight.

neve:

soleil:

My girls

Here are a few pics from last night- finally we can see their little faces!

Neve- no longer looking like a fighter pilot, little girl does not like being changed

Dadddy & NeveSoleil sleeping

Where do I start?

On Saturday night I was discharged from the hospital.

Although I had waited for that moment for over a month and half- it was bittersweet. I mean, I left my daughters behind. How whole can I feel?

Physically, I am still in pain, but it gets better with each day. The pain of a c- section is pretty much the same pain of a laparoscopy as I predicted. I just know that it is harder to heal because I am so weak from bed rest.

My daughters are getting stronger with each day thank GD.

Today I was told that Neve was taken off of C-Pap ( Nasal CPAP delivers air into your airway through a specially designed nasal mask or pillows. The mask does not breathe for you; the flow of air creates enough pressure when you inhale to keep your airway open.) for 3 hours and did very well. They will gradually ween her off of that. Once she is weened off, she will no longer have the tubes stuck up her nose- then I can see her beautiful little face.

Soleil is a few days behind Neve since she had a ventilator for the first few days.

They are both eating now- through a tube that goes directly in their mouths down their tummy, but nonetheless eating. I am pumping as much as I can and have finally started producing a bit. I was told that the girls have had residuals from the formula but not from my milk- which makes me feel as though I am doing something productive for my girls. Each time they give them milk, they put a pacifier in their mouths so that they will associate sucking with their tummies being full. How ingenious?

Originally I was told that Soleil had some sort of flap that was open between her heart and lung- which worried me to death (they said it was normal in preemies) and so they gave her medication for a few days. On Saturday morning I was told that they did a echocardio exam and it seems to have closed.

They both still have jaundice and are constantly under the lights with their little glasses. The normal number is 6 and under- and they both have 9's (better than the 11's they had a few days ago)

I have such a strong love for them- its unbelievable. I remember when I was told that I was pregnant and wondered if I were having twins (b4 it was confirmed). I asked myself how I would be able to love two children at once without sacrificing attention to both. A blog friend (you know who you are) said that it would be simple. That I would love them both unconditionally, and they would love me back tenfold. I now know what you meant.

I still look pregnant- instead of looking 8 months pg, I now look 5. How long will it take for the stomach to go down- I wonder?

Meanwhile- on the home front, my house looks like it exploded. My husband isn't working Thursday and Friday so we will have time to hang curtains etc (of course I will just sit down and tell him where things go). Its exciting to be able to organize my new home and their room. I cant wait to bring them home. On Saturday night right before I left to go home, we went by the NICU and we saw a couple finally taking home their baby - everyone was crying, and hugging- and I cant wait for that to be us. The nurses there genuinely care for these children. I know the girls are in good hands which makes me feel good.

On Sunday we went with my mother to the nicu and she finally held one of her grandchildren- soleil. Neve couldn't be taken out because I was told her temperature was a little low. So we took pictures.

You know what I noticed? Neve who was so active in the womb- is so active outside the womb as well! She move her arms and legs around- exercising her little limbs, while Soleil who wasn't as active is pretty much not as active. I find that interesting.

So here are some pictures below from our trip today.

Grandma, Mommy, Daddy:

Grandma holding Soleil:



Soleil sleeping:

Neve (my husband says she looks like a fighter pilot with the glasses and the tubes): She couldnt be held today so she was sleeping inside-

I never knew how much love I had in my heart.

I love those little girls.

I held them for 30 minutes each today two different times for a total of an hour each. Neve opened only one eye when I spoke and held her. She knew I was there.

Then I held Soleil and she opened both eyes quite a few times when I spoke to her. I love holding them and talking to them. I know they know that I am their mommy. I mean, they have heard my voice for 30 weeks so now when I speak to them they can put a face with the voice. Of course poor mommy looks like she has been run over by a truck, but I am still their mommy that is here to love and protect them.

I cant wait to watch them grow with each day.

They took the breathing tube out of Soleil's mouth today. They both have oxygen through tubes in their noses, but that's a lot better than down their throats. It's great to hear Soleil cry. Neve has a bit of jaundice and lays with her eyes covered in a light filled incubator for most of the day. They will try and feed Soleil today- I hope she does well.

My milk does not want to come in for some reason, although the lactation consultant said not to worry. She says to keep pumping. I rented a hospital type pump for the next three months that should be arriving today.

Physically I am feeling better with each day. It's hard- but I am getting better for my daughters.

My family is already in love with the girls. My dad calls them chicklets.

I think I am going home on Saturday- i will feel as though I am being freed from jail- I wont know what to do with myself. I know that we will finally have a chance to fix up our apt and get their room ready. I don't want to go home without them, but would be afraid to bring them home so small. I know that the NICU is the best place for them right now. I feel helpless that I cant do anything about this situation.

The loves of my life

where do I begin? I will try to relay as much as my brain can handle right now.

Monday night at around 10pm, I started getting stomach aches. I had just finished a sandwich, so I figured that was the cause. The nurse attached the Doppler to me and the machine didn't read anything. We thought it was gas. That night I hardly slept due to the cramps so that morning at 5am I asked the nurse to attach the Doppler again. Still- the Doppler didn't read anything!

I kept feeling like I needed to have a bowel movement, but was constipated. The pain was getting progressively worse, every few minutes, and the nurse didn't know what to do because according to the machine, I wasn't in labor. I started to yell to get the doctor.

Luckily for me, my favorite doctor was on call. He ran upstairs and put his hand on my tummy and felt tightening. He said, "I think you're in labor- but I need to check you internally to know". I called my husband frantically- he was on the train on the way to school. Luckily the night before he printed out subway directions from school to the hospital, and placed it in his book bag. My husband answered and I told him that I needed him to come right away. He asked if I was truly in labor since he couldn't miss another day of school. As he asked, my doctor checked me internally and said "You are 5cm dilated- we're going to get these girls out now"- that answered my husband's question and he was in his way. I called my parents and they got in the car as well.

Everything was so scary. They said they didn't have time to give me an epidural and wait for it to work- so they put me under. I was alone. It happened so quickly. When I awoke, my husband and parents were there. They said my girls were OK but taken to the NICU.

Born on Tuesday Nov 13th at around 9am-Neve weighed 3.4 pounds and she came out crying- her lungs were better developed because her sac was the one that ruptured and she was in distress inside so it developed her lungs more than her sister.

Soleil was next and weighed 3.10 pounds. She cried at first but had a hard time breathing.

My husband could go see them- since I could not and he took pictures with his cell phone. Neve looks like my husband's identical twin. No joke- nothing like me! She looks like him now and not like he was as a baby (just like we were talking about chas).

Soleil looks like me.

I got to see them yesterday for the first time. They are both red and hairy- which is what preemies look like. But they are the loves of my life.

Neve is doing better than soleil, even though neve weighs less. Until this morning soleil had a breathing tube down her throat- but they removed it today and will see how she does. I am so happy. I cant wait to hear her cry.

Neve was given some of my breast milk/colostrum(sp?) last night. I was so happy when I saw them feeding that to her. I am using a breast pump and produced only a little bit yesterday and could not since. I will try again.

I held neve yesterday- and she cried before she was handed to me- and stopped when I held her and spoke to her. Like maybe even though her eyes were closed and had all those tubes- she still knew I was her mommy?

It hurts my heart to see them this way, but I know that this is for the best right now. Im not sure how long they will need to be in the nicu- it is a day by day thing.

My husband is so in love with them. He was teary on Tuesday- which is the closest thing I have seen to crying from him- he never cries.

He stares at their pictures for hours and talks about how much he loves them and we analyze who looks like who.

I am either going home tomorrow or Saturday. It will be weird going home after all this time- esp leaving my girls behind.

The healing process is hard because my body is so weak from the bed rest.

Thank you all for your comments and prayers.

These are my little ones:

Neve: my husband's twin

Soleil

my girls are here!

more details to come........

30weeks 2 days

It has been 1 week since my water broke.

I felt such terror that night. But my girls are still inside, swimming away.


I always thought that once your water breaks- thats it. Turns out, that is the situation in most cases, so I know that someone is watching over us. I know my husband's mother, and my grandmother are buying us time. I just know it.


My doctors keep hoping that I get to the 32 weeks mark, but who knows what might happen. I am feeling less anxious since I hit the 30 week mark- only because I am no longer in the 20's- yet still pray to get to 32.


32 weeks is 12 days away. I wonder what will happen.


I have been thinking a lot about the c-section and am scared. I know that I would much rather go through with one than natural childbirth. I mean, I have had 3 laparoscopies so I kind of know the healing process by now. I don't think the fright hit me until I had a conversation with the anesthesiologists the night my water broke (when they thought I might deliver).. they said to expect feeling cold and shaking, quick heart rates, etc.... I think I would have been better off not knowing. The only thing that I do know is that once I have it done, then most of my fears can be put to rest. I know that it means that I will soon be out of the hospital and that my daughters are here- but even once they are out the fear begins (not knowing is they are healthy or not) until the doctors give me a report.


One of my doctors came in today- she is in the practice but I had not seen her during my hospital stay because she was on maternity leave. I like her she is really very nice and gentle. She said that statistically speaking, most women go into labor a week after their water breaks. i told her I don't like hearing that. She then said "Well, statistically speaking a women who goes into pre-term labor with twins at 25 weeks should have delivered by now "- so not to go by statistics. I mean, every case is different, and I know that medical science cant explain many things or the workings of GD. So I pretty much place my faith in him.



The doctor also said that everyone is glad that I have reached 30 weeks... when most believed I wouldn't.


They bring the sono machine to me every day to check fluid in Baby A (Neve) and to see their in-utero movements. Yesterday the doctor showed me that she was hiccuping even though I didn't feel it. He said that their movement is good and that the fluid in neve is fine for now but that its constantly changing (every time I move,or she pees etc). I only get up to the bathroom if I have to go *badly* otherwise I go in a bedpan. Every time I get up fluid seeps out- gotta love gravity, so I only get up once a day. I cant shower, so my husband brings me soap, a bucket and towels and he washes me. He even cut my toenails, filed them and lotioned my feet. he even helped me shave down there.I guess that truly is love.

did I mention that a friend from work had purchased two car seats and a bouncer that I registered for? That is a lot of money! I cant believe she did that!


My husband took pictures of me two nights ago to document this time. I took one look at myself and was in extreme shock. I am HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE. I'm not just talking baby, I am talking face as well- not to mention my whole face looks so different as well. I look swollen and unrecognizable.


As I was on my computer last night I showed my nurse (one who I love) a pre-preg picture and she didnt believe that was me. I was offended! It did kind of hurt, but I do know that this is all for my babies- I am just hoping to be able to get back to my normal self. So- I will now share my pre-preggo pics and what I look like now- don't be frightened!

My tummy looks like a cat clawed me all over. I am glad I have them- since they have only formed since I got here- which means my girls have gotten alot larger since I first got here.

30 weeks!

I am still here, babies inside and all .

They finally moved me from the high risk rooms (dungeon) back to maternity. I am in my own room again but still cant get up.

I am so thankful -you have no idea.

I am now monitored every 4 hours - no IV, and given antibiotics orally. I am still leaking but as long as I am not contracting, no infection and the fluid is sufficient for baby A... we will be ok. I pray to make it through the each day and thank GD when I awake each morning with my girls inside.

My husband suggests we take a picture of my laying in bed wagging my finger at the camera so when the girls will be bad- or teenagers, I can show them what I had to go through to have them.

Fluid in Baby A is rising with each day- a miracle from above. Thank You all for worrying about me and keeping us all in your prayers and thoughts.

All is stable

wanted to drop by and let everyone know that I am in stable condition. Thank GD I have not contracted.

My water did break for Baby A, but since amniotic fluid replenishes itself the baby is still ok, even though I do leak.

The main thing they look for at this point is:

1) Contractions
2) Infection- since you have a higher risk of infection when your sac is ruptured.

They take my blood every day (to check for infection) and I am hooked up to the monitor 24/7 for the babies heartbeats/ contractions. I have an iv in as well that supplies fluid, and am on antibiotics.

They did a sono today- like they do every day to check fluid and movement. Turns out it seems as though my cervix has now closed. My doctor believes that the sac was pressing down on my cervix which is what caused it to open in the first place. Now that the water is less, it is not weighing down on my cervix. My doctor also said that since I am almost 30 weeks, the lack of fluid isn't as important at this point.

Baby A weighs 3.3 pounds, and Baby B weighs 3.8 pounds. Not sure how accurate that is, but I am hoping it is.

Otherwise, I am just happy that I am still pregnant....

I am in a high risk room which bums me out. No window, and the nurses are not too nice. You ring the call button and you wait 30 minutes before someone comes in. This whole situation has been hard, but as my husband says: we must look at the positive. He has been my rock throughout this entire process. He sleeps by my side, and helps me with the bedpan (since I cant get up)... he does it all. I couldnt have picked a better husband or father.

Thank you all for keeping me and my girls in your prayers and thoughts. I know that they are helping. Now, I am praying to reach the 32 weeks mark...... one day at a time.

my water broke....

they rushed me to triage. since i'm not contracting i am just laying here now. i may be able to hold off labor.
im scared.

29w2d

Another stressful day.

I woke up feeling horrible- my rib cage aches. My whole body aches. I sleep on and off during the night because I am so uncomfortable.

I was so cranky and feeling yucky after my afternoon nap.. and guess who shows up at my door? My mother and her best friend. The woman never calls before coming.... that's OK I guess, as long as she's alone. The lights were off and my mother pulls up the shade. I think she expected me to be talkative and smiley, but I wasn't. I just needed to be alone- and where does she get the nerve to just drop by with people without informing or giving me some sort of warning?

So I lay down and didn't say much and she just stood there hovering over me not saying a word- her friend sitting in a chair. Her friend realized right away that I wasn't feeling well but my mother just stood there in silence, as if I had embarrassed her by not being talkative and charming in front of company.

When I asked my mother why she wasn't sitting, she said "I was waiting for you to offer"

I said, "well would you like me to cut you some cake as well?"- this was sarcasm.

She sat down for a few minutes not saying a word...then they left.

I am so tired of her. When will she learn? She expects me to be "On" all the time? Well, I cant be. I just cant- especially when I'm not feeling well. She cold have just picked up the phone to warn me, but didn't.

Its hard to not get along with my mother. I mean, as I lay here worrying about my unborn children, I can just imagine the bond that I will have with them. I will only want the best for them and never berate them.... Then I think of my mother and how we will just never get along. Her actions amaze me sometimes- and so do the words she spews from her mouth. I have been through so much with her that letting things slide sometimes just doesn't cut it. I worry that my children will feel the same way about me, but I think that I have learnt what NOT to do because of her.

Anyway, shortly thereafter my husband arrived and then I was hooked up to the Doppler. I had three large contractions in 40 minutes. A doctor from my practice came by (Dr. Oprah as I will now call him) and he decided that my meds should be doubled from now on. He said that if I were to have one or two more in the course of an hour, I would have to get a tribuline injection, and if that didn't stop it, they would move me back to triage. No... not triage. I am comfortable in my private room.. I cant be taken downstairs again! Thank GD I didnt have more than 3, so now its just a waiting game.
With every contraction, I freak out. I am so stressed out... my husband remains calm constantly and says that whatever will be will be. I know I need him to be strong, but his calm demeanour freaks me out even more so.

I hope and pray these girls stay in for a few more weeks.

Please send your love to stacie from here storkey storkey- she had her boys last week at 28w3days and although they are doing well, their nicu experience has just begun...

29w 1 day

29 weeks !

We are so blessed to have gotten to this point. Every day that passes is a miracle. Every day inside is a day that will only make them healthier. Ive been here close to a month now and I am glad that I am closer to meeting my babies. I know that in a few weeks my life will change. I just pray that they will be healthy, because everything else fails in comparison. At the end of the day that's all that matters.

My hospital stay has been OK for the most part. There are a few nurses that I want to hit upside the head though. Wednesday for example:

My nurse comes in right as I woke up and said "Let me know when you want to be hooked up to the Doppler"

(Mind you, I hate the Doppler because my girls never stay long enough in one place- one moves around and its hard to get a reading. Plus laying on my back for 30-40 minutes is not an easy feat with babies applying pressure on you.)

I told the nurse I would let her know when I was ready.

An hour later she comes in again and says "Are you ready yet?"

I said "not yet."

She comes by 30 minutes later and says "Did you forget about us?"

At that point I was reeling! I said I wasn't in the mood.

Yes, I may have come across as nasty at that point- but come on!

She leaves and then sends in a nursing student. I'm not kidding.

The student says "Do you feel the babies kicking?"

I say- "Yes"

She goes on to say that they need to hook me up to the Doppler (track heartbeats and contractions).

Wow- at that point I was ready to check out of the hospital.

Now, I don't need to be hooked up at a certain time. It's more or less a time frame of 12 hours.

Firstly, I'm not here because the babies were or are in danger, it was for contractions.

Secondly, the day prior I had an ultrasound done (where the ultrasound tech actually was nice enough this time around to give me a picture)- and I had two Doppler's done that day. They really needed to chill out.

So I guess that nurse has now labeled me "difficult" because the nurse that I had that night asked if I was feeling better since she heard I was having a bad day. Unfortunately I have had that nurse in the AM for 3 days in a row and I know she thinks I'm crazy. But there are so many nurses that love me because they dont pressure me and so I get to be my witty adorable self. Some nurses say that they wish all their patients were like me.

I mean, I need some level of privacy here. I know its a hospital, but for my mental sanity I need to know that I have some type of control over things.

I don't know if I'm making any sense to you.

The days are actually passing by quicker than they were at first. I think my outlook has now changed for the better as the weeks pass, just knowing that my children's chances grow with each passing week. I know that I am not out of the woods yet, but I am in a much better place than I was 4 weeks ago.

I really do feel that us IF's cant catch a break. I mean, at first its not being able to get pregnant or stay pregnant. Then its the constant worries and complications that our pregnancies bring. Most of the women that I know that had hospital stays during pregnancy were women who had difficulties conceiving (or were older).

This morning at around 5am I woke up feeling yucky. I slept horribly and felt nauseous throughout my sleep. When I woke up I went to the restroom and threw up. Unfortunately, that's not where it ended. I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I am constipated. Last night before bed, the nurse gave me a pill to help with that, but said that it would work between 18-20 hours. Not so.

Not only did I (TMI) explode with diarrhea, I was puking into the garbage can at the same time. I mean, I know what the diarrhea was from but the puking? It was a horrible feeling. This morning the doctor said that I should drink a lot to make up for my fluid loss, but if I were to throw up again I needed to have an iv placed in my arm for fluids. Thank GD I have not thrown up again and I am making sure that I am drinking enough.

I also have no appetite at all. I haven't had any since I got here. I guess that's because these babies are squishing my stomach and I have no room. Plus this heartburn is killing me. I shouldn't even begin to tell you how difficult it is for me to get out of bed. I am huge now!

I've also been getting braxton-hicks but have been assured that its ok and normal.

But of course it is all worth it.

My husband has also been wonderful. He amazes me with each passing day. The man literally goes from either school or work to my house or to the store to pick things up for me, then comes directly to my hospital room and stays until 10pm. He then drives home and goes to bed to start his day all over again. There is a plus side though. He stays here for hours and does his homework so the man has been getting A's in all his classes! That's nuts with all the pressure he's under. I am so proud of him.

My friends have also been great. Tonight two friends came over bearing food- nothing better than that. These are friends that I have been very close to all of my life but since Ive gotten married, sort of drifted away from (they are all single and go out all the time to bars and fancy restaurants in Manhattan). I see them on birthdays and occasions, but other than that not too much. Since they found out that I was hospitalized, they come here once or twice a week (they work late and live in another city) always with food a smile. I am astonished by their love even with our different lives. Meanwhile, my only brother has only been to see me once. He is so self-involved, but that's how he's always been. It's sad, but what can you do?

I was just put on the doppler and I had a contraction... it freaks me out when I see them coming because I now know how to read the machine. My Doctor said not to worry... but that dosnt stop me from worrying. He is the best doctor though so I know he knows what hes talking about. Of course every time I have a contraction and am awaiting a response from my doctor's reading- I go online and research preemie babies born at the week that I am currently in. I know that its not too healhty to do so but I need to know the facts.

I am paranoid.

3 Weeks 1 Day

Today there will be a long post- hey, I've got nothing but time.

So I had two minor contractions yesterday but my Doctor said that since I didn't feel them (they were picked up by the Doppler) they were probably Braxton Hicks. Of course every little ache and pain freaks me out and causes me to sweat and worry.

This morning, I awoke to my mother. She came to visit me and acted as if nothing happened last week. I remind you that she stormed out on Wednesday cursing me out and saying she would not return. This is after she spilled a cup of water on the table wetting my cell phone, blackberry and new laptop. Now instead of apologizing she blamed me for not having finished the water in my cup. Yes, I'm serious. That is how she has always been, since I was a child.

So anyway, she walks in and acts like nothing happened. She brought me new PJ's, and food. She has also been knitting me baby blankets and showed me her first completed one. It was adorable. I shrugged off the last incident because what else was I to do?

When my mother was in Israel months ago- before my grandmother passed away, her and my aunt went to a medium. They had heard great things about her. They told the medium that their mother was sick but did not elaborate. The medium opened her deck of cards, asked for my grandmother's name and immediately said that she had pancreatic cancer and would pass away soon. That was my grandmother's ailment. She went on and said that she would pass away when there would be a pregnancy in the family and that pg would produce a girl (I'm the only pregnancy in the family).
So my mother suggested that maybe we should call the medium over the phone from the US. I'm up for anything. It doesn't hurt. We called her and she told me to ask 3 questions, she asked for my birthday and my name and my mother's name and said to call her back in a few minutes. I asked about my babies/current situation, my husband, and my work.

I called her back and she started listing my personality traits- which were all dead on, but of course I wasn't convinced yet... that is until she said: "I see that this pregnancy was not natural- did you have invitro?"

Yes. She said that. My mouth dropped. I mean how would she come to that seeing as though I am only 26?

She said that a few weeks ago I was at risk of losing them but the danger is now over. She said that they will either be born either two weeks before December 19th or 2 weeks after. This means that I will at least get to 34 weeks. She also said that I will remain on hospital bed rest and that the birth would be a c-section. I asked if they would be healthy and she said yes. But then she said this:

"I know you said you are having two girls, but I see a boy".

Whoa.... a boy?

I told her that couldn't be right since I had a sonogram that confirmed two girls. She said that she sees a boy, but if there are two girls one will be very rowdy. She also said that motherhood would do such good for me and that I will be a great mother. It was nice to hear these things. These weeks in the hospital with a big question mark above my head have been driving me crazy.

A few nights ago I had a dream about said grandmother. I was in her house and she was cleaning (which is what she always did). Now, in my dream I asked myself why she was still in the house when her soul should have passed on. I made a mental note (in my dream) not to talk to her because I didn't want to encourage her to stay.

When we were talking to the medium, my mother asked about my grandmother. The medium said that her soul has not yet passed on and she it still in her home- because she hasn't fully grasped what had happened to her. The thing is, no one told her that she was dying. They felt that it was better she not know. The medium said her soul should be passing on within the next few months.
So I pretty much had chills, because she pretty much reiterated the dream that I had. Wow.


The medium said a lot of things about my husband that were dead on as well... so overall it was all great to hear. I mean I can take it with a grain of salt, but I am keeping it in my heart and hoping that it's true. That's all I have right now- hope.

Anyway my mother and I didn't fight today- which is a huge step for us.

Later on after she left, my husband arrived and we had a nice 20 minutes cuddling before two of my friends showed up unexpectedly with none other than pizza. That was so nice of them! This whole day was actually really nice. I'm feeling relaxed... as if maybe after all it will be OK?

3 weeks

I have now been in the hospital for 3 weeks. These weeks have been quite the roller coaster ride for my husband and I.

One minute I am a healthy, young woman who was finally pregnant after so much heartache, the next I found myself laying in triage speaking to a neonatal doctor who told me that if my girls were born that day the chances of survival were not good.

I mean, does this pain ever end?

So many of the blogs that I read are those of women who are if, and those who are finally pg. In many of those cases, the pregnancies are difficult and/or the babies are born early. Why do we always have to get the raw end of the deal? Believe me, we appreciate the pregnancies and the lives inside of us. So why continue to be tested?

Is it strange that I am in love with my daughters already? My belly is now filling with stretch marks and it makes me so happy. That means my girls are growing.

The other night my husband lay in my hospital bed with me and put his hand on the left side of my tummy (by baby a- the one that is less active than her sister). He rubbed my belly and said to her "kick daddy's hand". As I was explaining to him that they don't kick on demand, she kicked his hand! We laughed so hard! It's like, how can you not bond with that? I pick up my shirt and he sees them kicking my belly.

I have these tiny little miraculous lives inside of me and I am scared to death. Scared that if something were to happen, I cant stop it from happening. Every ache and pain is dissected by me. I worry non-stop, especially being in this state (laying down in the hospital with too much time on my hands, too much time to think). But the only thing I can do is stay positive.

My doctor (Dr. S) came in to see me this morning and said that he doesn't think he'll let me go home at 32 weeks either. He said that since the babies will weigh more then, this will put added pressure on my down to nothing cervix, and the chances of something happening are higher.

He took away my grain of hope. He said he would like to keep me here until 35 weeks (hopefully the girls will stay in that long) and our main goal is to get those girls out at a later date so that they are healthy. Yes, I understand that and I would like nothing more. But I was keeping hope alive that I would get to go home and be on bed rest there. It would be great if I could go home because then I could tell my hubby what to do with all the boxes (remember our house is still a mess). I just want a few me days before they are born- is that selfish? I want to go to the hair salon (because my hair has been a mess since I got here) and maybe get my nails done. I just want to pamper myself.

Don't get me wrong I know that my daughters health is the most important thing in this world. I just wish I had a few days for me. Laying here in this hospital bed does not constitute "me time". I also feel extremely weak. I am tired. When you lay around all day you feel like a rag doll.

I'm sorry my stories aren't entertaining, there isn't much to write about these days. Thank GD .

Hospital: Day 19

First of all: Thank You all so much for your advice and comments. Many of you help me in ways you never know.

I had mini nervous breakdowns the past few days. I don't know what it was, it was just horrible. I feel like I'm in prison with no privacy.

Doctor #2 from my practice came in today to talk to me today.

He pretty much gave me the facts:

1. They will not discharge me, if I choose to I have to sign myself out against medical advice. It pretty much means that they wont discharge me because if something goes wrong, I can sue them.

2. He said that he doesn't think anything will happen if I go home, but he cant guarantee that something wont happen either. He said that if my water broke at home, I could deliver right away- a foot might come out. Wow- I did not know that.

That alone scared the sh*t out of me. I wont leave.

But you know what killed me? As he was getting up to leave he said "Go watch Oprah"-to get my mind off of the situation. I could not believe my ears! First of all it was 12pm, and Oprah only comes on at 4pm- but that is not the point. It was like he was brushing me off, plus it was a little sexist in my opinion.

I looked at him and said "Go watch Oprah? What does that have to do with anything? " He said it didn't mean anything, just to watch TV and get my mind off of things. He didn't think I was going to react to that comment. He has no idea who he's dealing with.

I cant wait when my Doctor returns from vacation on Tuesday. He is great and wouldn't tell me to "Go watch Oprah".

My stretch marks are spreading and getting itchier. My husband went out to buy me some cocoa butter, I wonder if it'll work.

And although I know that this is very hard, I am thankful that I have reached 28 weeks. I just tend to cry when my husband goes home. It's hard to be here without him. He runs back and forth between work, school and the hospital. He is running on empty but he is such a trooper. He is amazing and I don't know how he does it. When I ask, he says "Well that's my job". How awesome is he?

My friend's do come by on occasion and try to lighten my mood. My mother did too until our crazy fight yesterday. It ended with her storming out of my hospital room vowing to not return- and you know what, it made me happy! That woman drives me insane and stresses me out. I don't really get along with her and I don't think I ever will. Its sad but it is what it is.

So anyway, I will keep on trucking and hope to GD that these girls stay in.

Hospital: Day 16

We all have our good days and our bad days.

Today was a bad day for me.

I am tired of these four walls. I need to breathe fresh air. I need to not be awoken at 8am by a plethora of people. The nurse, the pcts who constantly check my vitals, the cleaning man who sweeps my room, the woman who takes out the garbage, the man who mops the floor, the doctor, the woman who brings the breakfast, the woman who changes the linens. I am not kidding. All those people come in between 7am-8:30am. They wont give me my rest. I have no privacy. Even though I have my own room, there is no privacy in a hospital. My husband works all day or goes to school and I only see him for two hours a day. There is only so much you can go online or watch television before you lose your mind.

Yesterday and today I had the same nurses- the ones I dislike. They make it worse for me. They aren't mean, but they aren't friendly. They don't smile. It depresses me. One of the nurses this morning said that one of the resident doctors that examines the ultrasound results doesn't think that I need to be here. That made me think. I mean the truth is, I'm only here as a "precaution". That means that if I were home and felt contractions it would take me 20 minutes to get here as opposed to already being here if I stayed.

Is that reason enough to stay?

I really do try to remain positive but I am only human. I break sometimes. Its natural.

I was crying for about 2 hours today when my husband was here. I told the nurse to call the doctor who was on call from my practice today to ask her if I could leave. Of course it wasn't my immediate OB, it was another doctor who is so strict.

She called me back, was very stern and said that she would not discharge me, that it was her medical opinion that I stay- but I could discharge myself against medical advice. Then she went ahead and said that if something were to happen to my babies it would be on my head, and that my husband and family would blame me. Nice guilt huh?

She just came in and spoke with me as I was typing and layed the guilt on thick. She said that she wants to take me down to the NICU to see twins that were born at 26 weeks that have had one problem after the next. Heart failure, surgeries.... I told her not to use those tactics on me.

She said that when I came in I was in such bad shape that they had to give me the highest amount of meds to stop my contractions. She also said that they didn't think I would make it this long without delivering and went on to say that their practice deals with high risk pregnancies and had birthed the highest number of multiples in the surrounding area.

She said to talk to my doctor tomorrow and see what he says.

Of course I know what he's going to say. But I am cracking.

My husband says that I could do what I want, but that he would feel better if I stayed. He also said the one thing that got to me: "The babies are depending on you". I mean, what can you say to that?

So although I am losing my mind, I will stay.

I'm not superwoman, I break too.