update

My girls turned 2 weeks old yesterday. I don't know whether to say they are 32 weeks or 2 weeks old.

Neve was moved upstairs to the annex. That means she's doing better than Soleil. Neve has also started feeding from a bottle, much to her chagrin. She hates it, but she's doing it. The next steps for her are regulating her body temp outside the isolette and exclusive bottle feeding.

Soleil is still on and off the c-pap, her breathing isnt always wonderful. She is now off the phototherapy because her numbers went down... but the girl hates the cpap tubes in her nose. I don't blame her. Her feedings are much better than Neve's though

You know what I realized? I never believed that parent could love their children equally. I always thought you might favor one a bit more than the other. But I realized that I love them equally but differently. They both have their own magic to them, something so special.

My friend's are throwing me a baby shower either next week or the week after. It will be nice to see some people that I have not seen in a while. Since I couldn't have the shower during my pregnancy, we'll have one now.

Oh, and I am now up 35 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I hope the weight starts coming off......but all that matters is that my girls were a good weight at birth, my weight will come off eventually.

A step forward, a step back.

Soleil is back on phototherapy. I hate it. She is the one that is on and off c-pap, and now they are putting her back under the lights. I hate it. I hate that she has to suffer. Yesterday when they re-inserted the cpap into her nose, she was crying. She hates it. I was there and I calmed her down. Of course, I cried because she cried. It hurts to see your child uncomfortable or in pain. I'm crying now.

I know that all this is normal for preemies, it's just hard to watch her take a step backwards. I am thankful that it is only this and not something worse, but its still hard to take. These are my baby girls. Their pain is my pain. I'm a mom, that's it. I'm home now and the thought of her back under the lights with her eyes covered bothers me. She got to see the world for a bit, now that was taken away from her.

I am sorry- its just one of those days. I know I have to stay positive and look at the bright side of things.

my babies

so guess what we did today? we bought the girls cribs and dressers! it was black Friday, and my husband was off from school and work so we went to babiesru.s.

we didn't think we were going to go all out, but we did. do you know how i felt walking into the clothing section, and actually being able to buy clothing for my little girls? it was an indescribable feeling.

we just took a cart and started dropping things in:

clothes
blankets
pacifiers
sheet sets
bottles


and then we went to the furniture section and purchased their things. i love that they have their own things.

yesterday soleil ate from a bottle for the first time! she was making a sucking noise with her mouth as if she was ready to be bottle fed and she did well! the nurses will only bottle feed her once a day so as to not wear her out (they don't want her burning calories).

Neve was bottle fed today but only took in 1cc. At least she's in the game as well.

I spoke to the nurse practitioner and she said that although soleil is a bit behind (with regards to breathing- she's on and off the c-pap), neve is smaller and therefore they each have their own hurdles to overcome. she said that at 34 weeks they will try to put them in an open crib and see how they do. I cant wait to bring my girls home- you have no idea. Until then, I will organize my house and my thoughts and wait.

happy turkey day

I seriously never knew how much love i had in my heart. Being away from them kills me. i know they need to be there so that they can get strong, but tell my heart that. I saw the nurse draw blood from soleil today and she let out a tiny, tired shriek and it hurt my heart so much.

we are fixing up our apt so that we will be ready for them to come home. the house feels empty- even though they have never been here (is that strange?).

i dont know when they will come home, but until then my heart will yearn for my girls.

here are some pictures from this morning- my parents are coming with us to see them tonight.

neve:

soleil:

My girls

Here are a few pics from last night- finally we can see their little faces!

Neve- no longer looking like a fighter pilot, little girl does not like being changed

Dadddy & NeveSoleil sleeping

Where do I start?

On Saturday night I was discharged from the hospital.

Although I had waited for that moment for over a month and half- it was bittersweet. I mean, I left my daughters behind. How whole can I feel?

Physically, I am still in pain, but it gets better with each day. The pain of a c- section is pretty much the same pain of a laparoscopy as I predicted. I just know that it is harder to heal because I am so weak from bed rest.

My daughters are getting stronger with each day thank GD.

Today I was told that Neve was taken off of C-Pap ( Nasal CPAP delivers air into your airway through a specially designed nasal mask or pillows. The mask does not breathe for you; the flow of air creates enough pressure when you inhale to keep your airway open.) for 3 hours and did very well. They will gradually ween her off of that. Once she is weened off, she will no longer have the tubes stuck up her nose- then I can see her beautiful little face.

Soleil is a few days behind Neve since she had a ventilator for the first few days.

They are both eating now- through a tube that goes directly in their mouths down their tummy, but nonetheless eating. I am pumping as much as I can and have finally started producing a bit. I was told that the girls have had residuals from the formula but not from my milk- which makes me feel as though I am doing something productive for my girls. Each time they give them milk, they put a pacifier in their mouths so that they will associate sucking with their tummies being full. How ingenious?

Originally I was told that Soleil had some sort of flap that was open between her heart and lung- which worried me to death (they said it was normal in preemies) and so they gave her medication for a few days. On Saturday morning I was told that they did a echocardio exam and it seems to have closed.

They both still have jaundice and are constantly under the lights with their little glasses. The normal number is 6 and under- and they both have 9's (better than the 11's they had a few days ago)

I have such a strong love for them- its unbelievable. I remember when I was told that I was pregnant and wondered if I were having twins (b4 it was confirmed). I asked myself how I would be able to love two children at once without sacrificing attention to both. A blog friend (you know who you are) said that it would be simple. That I would love them both unconditionally, and they would love me back tenfold. I now know what you meant.

I still look pregnant- instead of looking 8 months pg, I now look 5. How long will it take for the stomach to go down- I wonder?

Meanwhile- on the home front, my house looks like it exploded. My husband isn't working Thursday and Friday so we will have time to hang curtains etc (of course I will just sit down and tell him where things go). Its exciting to be able to organize my new home and their room. I cant wait to bring them home. On Saturday night right before I left to go home, we went by the NICU and we saw a couple finally taking home their baby - everyone was crying, and hugging- and I cant wait for that to be us. The nurses there genuinely care for these children. I know the girls are in good hands which makes me feel good.

On Sunday we went with my mother to the nicu and she finally held one of her grandchildren- soleil. Neve couldn't be taken out because I was told her temperature was a little low. So we took pictures.

You know what I noticed? Neve who was so active in the womb- is so active outside the womb as well! She move her arms and legs around- exercising her little limbs, while Soleil who wasn't as active is pretty much not as active. I find that interesting.

So here are some pictures below from our trip today.

Grandma, Mommy, Daddy:

Grandma holding Soleil:



Soleil sleeping:

Neve (my husband says she looks like a fighter pilot with the glasses and the tubes): She couldnt be held today so she was sleeping inside-

I never knew how much love I had in my heart.

I love those little girls.

I held them for 30 minutes each today two different times for a total of an hour each. Neve opened only one eye when I spoke and held her. She knew I was there.

Then I held Soleil and she opened both eyes quite a few times when I spoke to her. I love holding them and talking to them. I know they know that I am their mommy. I mean, they have heard my voice for 30 weeks so now when I speak to them they can put a face with the voice. Of course poor mommy looks like she has been run over by a truck, but I am still their mommy that is here to love and protect them.

I cant wait to watch them grow with each day.

They took the breathing tube out of Soleil's mouth today. They both have oxygen through tubes in their noses, but that's a lot better than down their throats. It's great to hear Soleil cry. Neve has a bit of jaundice and lays with her eyes covered in a light filled incubator for most of the day. They will try and feed Soleil today- I hope she does well.

My milk does not want to come in for some reason, although the lactation consultant said not to worry. She says to keep pumping. I rented a hospital type pump for the next three months that should be arriving today.

Physically I am feeling better with each day. It's hard- but I am getting better for my daughters.

My family is already in love with the girls. My dad calls them chicklets.

I think I am going home on Saturday- i will feel as though I am being freed from jail- I wont know what to do with myself. I know that we will finally have a chance to fix up our apt and get their room ready. I don't want to go home without them, but would be afraid to bring them home so small. I know that the NICU is the best place for them right now. I feel helpless that I cant do anything about this situation.

The loves of my life

where do I begin? I will try to relay as much as my brain can handle right now.

Monday night at around 10pm, I started getting stomach aches. I had just finished a sandwich, so I figured that was the cause. The nurse attached the Doppler to me and the machine didn't read anything. We thought it was gas. That night I hardly slept due to the cramps so that morning at 5am I asked the nurse to attach the Doppler again. Still- the Doppler didn't read anything!

I kept feeling like I needed to have a bowel movement, but was constipated. The pain was getting progressively worse, every few minutes, and the nurse didn't know what to do because according to the machine, I wasn't in labor. I started to yell to get the doctor.

Luckily for me, my favorite doctor was on call. He ran upstairs and put his hand on my tummy and felt tightening. He said, "I think you're in labor- but I need to check you internally to know". I called my husband frantically- he was on the train on the way to school. Luckily the night before he printed out subway directions from school to the hospital, and placed it in his book bag. My husband answered and I told him that I needed him to come right away. He asked if I was truly in labor since he couldn't miss another day of school. As he asked, my doctor checked me internally and said "You are 5cm dilated- we're going to get these girls out now"- that answered my husband's question and he was in his way. I called my parents and they got in the car as well.

Everything was so scary. They said they didn't have time to give me an epidural and wait for it to work- so they put me under. I was alone. It happened so quickly. When I awoke, my husband and parents were there. They said my girls were OK but taken to the NICU.

Born on Tuesday Nov 13th at around 9am-Neve weighed 3.4 pounds and she came out crying- her lungs were better developed because her sac was the one that ruptured and she was in distress inside so it developed her lungs more than her sister.

Soleil was next and weighed 3.10 pounds. She cried at first but had a hard time breathing.

My husband could go see them- since I could not and he took pictures with his cell phone. Neve looks like my husband's identical twin. No joke- nothing like me! She looks like him now and not like he was as a baby (just like we were talking about chas).

Soleil looks like me.

I got to see them yesterday for the first time. They are both red and hairy- which is what preemies look like. But they are the loves of my life.

Neve is doing better than soleil, even though neve weighs less. Until this morning soleil had a breathing tube down her throat- but they removed it today and will see how she does. I am so happy. I cant wait to hear her cry.

Neve was given some of my breast milk/colostrum(sp?) last night. I was so happy when I saw them feeding that to her. I am using a breast pump and produced only a little bit yesterday and could not since. I will try again.

I held neve yesterday- and she cried before she was handed to me- and stopped when I held her and spoke to her. Like maybe even though her eyes were closed and had all those tubes- she still knew I was her mommy?

It hurts my heart to see them this way, but I know that this is for the best right now. Im not sure how long they will need to be in the nicu- it is a day by day thing.

My husband is so in love with them. He was teary on Tuesday- which is the closest thing I have seen to crying from him- he never cries.

He stares at their pictures for hours and talks about how much he loves them and we analyze who looks like who.

I am either going home tomorrow or Saturday. It will be weird going home after all this time- esp leaving my girls behind.

The healing process is hard because my body is so weak from the bed rest.

Thank you all for your comments and prayers.

These are my little ones:

Neve: my husband's twin

Soleil

my girls are here!

more details to come........

30weeks 2 days

It has been 1 week since my water broke.

I felt such terror that night. But my girls are still inside, swimming away.


I always thought that once your water breaks- thats it. Turns out, that is the situation in most cases, so I know that someone is watching over us. I know my husband's mother, and my grandmother are buying us time. I just know it.


My doctors keep hoping that I get to the 32 weeks mark, but who knows what might happen. I am feeling less anxious since I hit the 30 week mark- only because I am no longer in the 20's- yet still pray to get to 32.


32 weeks is 12 days away. I wonder what will happen.


I have been thinking a lot about the c-section and am scared. I know that I would much rather go through with one than natural childbirth. I mean, I have had 3 laparoscopies so I kind of know the healing process by now. I don't think the fright hit me until I had a conversation with the anesthesiologists the night my water broke (when they thought I might deliver).. they said to expect feeling cold and shaking, quick heart rates, etc.... I think I would have been better off not knowing. The only thing that I do know is that once I have it done, then most of my fears can be put to rest. I know that it means that I will soon be out of the hospital and that my daughters are here- but even once they are out the fear begins (not knowing is they are healthy or not) until the doctors give me a report.


One of my doctors came in today- she is in the practice but I had not seen her during my hospital stay because she was on maternity leave. I like her she is really very nice and gentle. She said that statistically speaking, most women go into labor a week after their water breaks. i told her I don't like hearing that. She then said "Well, statistically speaking a women who goes into pre-term labor with twins at 25 weeks should have delivered by now "- so not to go by statistics. I mean, every case is different, and I know that medical science cant explain many things or the workings of GD. So I pretty much place my faith in him.



The doctor also said that everyone is glad that I have reached 30 weeks... when most believed I wouldn't.


They bring the sono machine to me every day to check fluid in Baby A (Neve) and to see their in-utero movements. Yesterday the doctor showed me that she was hiccuping even though I didn't feel it. He said that their movement is good and that the fluid in neve is fine for now but that its constantly changing (every time I move,or she pees etc). I only get up to the bathroom if I have to go *badly* otherwise I go in a bedpan. Every time I get up fluid seeps out- gotta love gravity, so I only get up once a day. I cant shower, so my husband brings me soap, a bucket and towels and he washes me. He even cut my toenails, filed them and lotioned my feet. he even helped me shave down there.I guess that truly is love.

did I mention that a friend from work had purchased two car seats and a bouncer that I registered for? That is a lot of money! I cant believe she did that!


My husband took pictures of me two nights ago to document this time. I took one look at myself and was in extreme shock. I am HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE. I'm not just talking baby, I am talking face as well- not to mention my whole face looks so different as well. I look swollen and unrecognizable.


As I was on my computer last night I showed my nurse (one who I love) a pre-preg picture and she didnt believe that was me. I was offended! It did kind of hurt, but I do know that this is all for my babies- I am just hoping to be able to get back to my normal self. So- I will now share my pre-preggo pics and what I look like now- don't be frightened!

My tummy looks like a cat clawed me all over. I am glad I have them- since they have only formed since I got here- which means my girls have gotten alot larger since I first got here.

30 weeks!

I am still here, babies inside and all .

They finally moved me from the high risk rooms (dungeon) back to maternity. I am in my own room again but still cant get up.

I am so thankful -you have no idea.

I am now monitored every 4 hours - no IV, and given antibiotics orally. I am still leaking but as long as I am not contracting, no infection and the fluid is sufficient for baby A... we will be ok. I pray to make it through the each day and thank GD when I awake each morning with my girls inside.

My husband suggests we take a picture of my laying in bed wagging my finger at the camera so when the girls will be bad- or teenagers, I can show them what I had to go through to have them.

Fluid in Baby A is rising with each day- a miracle from above. Thank You all for worrying about me and keeping us all in your prayers and thoughts.

All is stable

wanted to drop by and let everyone know that I am in stable condition. Thank GD I have not contracted.

My water did break for Baby A, but since amniotic fluid replenishes itself the baby is still ok, even though I do leak.

The main thing they look for at this point is:

1) Contractions
2) Infection- since you have a higher risk of infection when your sac is ruptured.

They take my blood every day (to check for infection) and I am hooked up to the monitor 24/7 for the babies heartbeats/ contractions. I have an iv in as well that supplies fluid, and am on antibiotics.

They did a sono today- like they do every day to check fluid and movement. Turns out it seems as though my cervix has now closed. My doctor believes that the sac was pressing down on my cervix which is what caused it to open in the first place. Now that the water is less, it is not weighing down on my cervix. My doctor also said that since I am almost 30 weeks, the lack of fluid isn't as important at this point.

Baby A weighs 3.3 pounds, and Baby B weighs 3.8 pounds. Not sure how accurate that is, but I am hoping it is.

Otherwise, I am just happy that I am still pregnant....

I am in a high risk room which bums me out. No window, and the nurses are not too nice. You ring the call button and you wait 30 minutes before someone comes in. This whole situation has been hard, but as my husband says: we must look at the positive. He has been my rock throughout this entire process. He sleeps by my side, and helps me with the bedpan (since I cant get up)... he does it all. I couldnt have picked a better husband or father.

Thank you all for keeping me and my girls in your prayers and thoughts. I know that they are helping. Now, I am praying to reach the 32 weeks mark...... one day at a time.

my water broke....

they rushed me to triage. since i'm not contracting i am just laying here now. i may be able to hold off labor.
im scared.

29w2d

Another stressful day.

I woke up feeling horrible- my rib cage aches. My whole body aches. I sleep on and off during the night because I am so uncomfortable.

I was so cranky and feeling yucky after my afternoon nap.. and guess who shows up at my door? My mother and her best friend. The woman never calls before coming.... that's OK I guess, as long as she's alone. The lights were off and my mother pulls up the shade. I think she expected me to be talkative and smiley, but I wasn't. I just needed to be alone- and where does she get the nerve to just drop by with people without informing or giving me some sort of warning?

So I lay down and didn't say much and she just stood there hovering over me not saying a word- her friend sitting in a chair. Her friend realized right away that I wasn't feeling well but my mother just stood there in silence, as if I had embarrassed her by not being talkative and charming in front of company.

When I asked my mother why she wasn't sitting, she said "I was waiting for you to offer"

I said, "well would you like me to cut you some cake as well?"- this was sarcasm.

She sat down for a few minutes not saying a word...then they left.

I am so tired of her. When will she learn? She expects me to be "On" all the time? Well, I cant be. I just cant- especially when I'm not feeling well. She cold have just picked up the phone to warn me, but didn't.

Its hard to not get along with my mother. I mean, as I lay here worrying about my unborn children, I can just imagine the bond that I will have with them. I will only want the best for them and never berate them.... Then I think of my mother and how we will just never get along. Her actions amaze me sometimes- and so do the words she spews from her mouth. I have been through so much with her that letting things slide sometimes just doesn't cut it. I worry that my children will feel the same way about me, but I think that I have learnt what NOT to do because of her.

Anyway, shortly thereafter my husband arrived and then I was hooked up to the Doppler. I had three large contractions in 40 minutes. A doctor from my practice came by (Dr. Oprah as I will now call him) and he decided that my meds should be doubled from now on. He said that if I were to have one or two more in the course of an hour, I would have to get a tribuline injection, and if that didn't stop it, they would move me back to triage. No... not triage. I am comfortable in my private room.. I cant be taken downstairs again! Thank GD I didnt have more than 3, so now its just a waiting game.
With every contraction, I freak out. I am so stressed out... my husband remains calm constantly and says that whatever will be will be. I know I need him to be strong, but his calm demeanour freaks me out even more so.

I hope and pray these girls stay in for a few more weeks.

Please send your love to stacie from here storkey storkey- she had her boys last week at 28w3days and although they are doing well, their nicu experience has just begun...

29w 1 day

29 weeks !

We are so blessed to have gotten to this point. Every day that passes is a miracle. Every day inside is a day that will only make them healthier. Ive been here close to a month now and I am glad that I am closer to meeting my babies. I know that in a few weeks my life will change. I just pray that they will be healthy, because everything else fails in comparison. At the end of the day that's all that matters.

My hospital stay has been OK for the most part. There are a few nurses that I want to hit upside the head though. Wednesday for example:

My nurse comes in right as I woke up and said "Let me know when you want to be hooked up to the Doppler"

(Mind you, I hate the Doppler because my girls never stay long enough in one place- one moves around and its hard to get a reading. Plus laying on my back for 30-40 minutes is not an easy feat with babies applying pressure on you.)

I told the nurse I would let her know when I was ready.

An hour later she comes in again and says "Are you ready yet?"

I said "not yet."

She comes by 30 minutes later and says "Did you forget about us?"

At that point I was reeling! I said I wasn't in the mood.

Yes, I may have come across as nasty at that point- but come on!

She leaves and then sends in a nursing student. I'm not kidding.

The student says "Do you feel the babies kicking?"

I say- "Yes"

She goes on to say that they need to hook me up to the Doppler (track heartbeats and contractions).

Wow- at that point I was ready to check out of the hospital.

Now, I don't need to be hooked up at a certain time. It's more or less a time frame of 12 hours.

Firstly, I'm not here because the babies were or are in danger, it was for contractions.

Secondly, the day prior I had an ultrasound done (where the ultrasound tech actually was nice enough this time around to give me a picture)- and I had two Doppler's done that day. They really needed to chill out.

So I guess that nurse has now labeled me "difficult" because the nurse that I had that night asked if I was feeling better since she heard I was having a bad day. Unfortunately I have had that nurse in the AM for 3 days in a row and I know she thinks I'm crazy. But there are so many nurses that love me because they dont pressure me and so I get to be my witty adorable self. Some nurses say that they wish all their patients were like me.

I mean, I need some level of privacy here. I know its a hospital, but for my mental sanity I need to know that I have some type of control over things.

I don't know if I'm making any sense to you.

The days are actually passing by quicker than they were at first. I think my outlook has now changed for the better as the weeks pass, just knowing that my children's chances grow with each passing week. I know that I am not out of the woods yet, but I am in a much better place than I was 4 weeks ago.

I really do feel that us IF's cant catch a break. I mean, at first its not being able to get pregnant or stay pregnant. Then its the constant worries and complications that our pregnancies bring. Most of the women that I know that had hospital stays during pregnancy were women who had difficulties conceiving (or were older).

This morning at around 5am I woke up feeling yucky. I slept horribly and felt nauseous throughout my sleep. When I woke up I went to the restroom and threw up. Unfortunately, that's not where it ended. I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I am constipated. Last night before bed, the nurse gave me a pill to help with that, but said that it would work between 18-20 hours. Not so.

Not only did I (TMI) explode with diarrhea, I was puking into the garbage can at the same time. I mean, I know what the diarrhea was from but the puking? It was a horrible feeling. This morning the doctor said that I should drink a lot to make up for my fluid loss, but if I were to throw up again I needed to have an iv placed in my arm for fluids. Thank GD I have not thrown up again and I am making sure that I am drinking enough.

I also have no appetite at all. I haven't had any since I got here. I guess that's because these babies are squishing my stomach and I have no room. Plus this heartburn is killing me. I shouldn't even begin to tell you how difficult it is for me to get out of bed. I am huge now!

I've also been getting braxton-hicks but have been assured that its ok and normal.

But of course it is all worth it.

My husband has also been wonderful. He amazes me with each passing day. The man literally goes from either school or work to my house or to the store to pick things up for me, then comes directly to my hospital room and stays until 10pm. He then drives home and goes to bed to start his day all over again. There is a plus side though. He stays here for hours and does his homework so the man has been getting A's in all his classes! That's nuts with all the pressure he's under. I am so proud of him.

My friends have also been great. Tonight two friends came over bearing food- nothing better than that. These are friends that I have been very close to all of my life but since Ive gotten married, sort of drifted away from (they are all single and go out all the time to bars and fancy restaurants in Manhattan). I see them on birthdays and occasions, but other than that not too much. Since they found out that I was hospitalized, they come here once or twice a week (they work late and live in another city) always with food a smile. I am astonished by their love even with our different lives. Meanwhile, my only brother has only been to see me once. He is so self-involved, but that's how he's always been. It's sad, but what can you do?

I was just put on the doppler and I had a contraction... it freaks me out when I see them coming because I now know how to read the machine. My Doctor said not to worry... but that dosnt stop me from worrying. He is the best doctor though so I know he knows what hes talking about. Of course every time I have a contraction and am awaiting a response from my doctor's reading- I go online and research preemie babies born at the week that I am currently in. I know that its not too healhty to do so but I need to know the facts.

I am paranoid.