Scare

I had quite the scare yesterday.

Yesterday afternoon I felt a bump in between the right side of my rib cage. When I touched it, it would hurt. I was worried. I mean I knew it couldn't be a foot because of the location. I called and left a message with my doctor. He called me back at about 6:30pm and I explained what was wrong. He said it could be anything but wanted to know what it was for sure and suggested I either go to the labor and delivery unit where he was working a double shift that night or wait to see him on Wednesday morning. I decided to go to the hospital that night to see him.

Once there, I filled out paperwork and then the nurses asked me for a urine sample. As I was headed for the bathroom I ran into my doctor outside. He checked the bump with his hand and said "Oh, this is nothing- it's just a bunch of fat cells a lymph node. Youre ok, you can go home"- that was it! He said that it might have already been in my system but that the pregnancy brought it to the surface. So nothing to worry about. He didn't need to examine me or take my sample. I secretly wanted a sono to see my babies, but I guess I will have to wait until next Thursday.

It was quite the scare though. I mean, suddenly feeling a bump on your side when you are pg is scary. At least I am attune to the goings on and can be on top of things.

My husband is great though. On Monday's he wakes up at 3:45AM to go to work. When I got home at 6:45pm and told him that I needed to go to the doctor he suited up and was ready to go although he was exhausted. He never complains! He has really been the model husband since this pregnancy started.

He never complains about doing extra housework or coming grocery shopping with me (since I cant lift anything heavy). He will do things for me at the drop of a hat. So sweet. He is super-dad! I joke with him and say that my word is law since I am now 75% of this family. He laughs. I am currently 3/4 th's of this family. How strange is that?

Keep On Truckin'

Another Monday.

Seems as though the weeks have been flying by since this pregnancy started. I love that!

On Friday I went to see the Simp.sons Movie. Apparently so did the rest of the world. We got there an hour prior to the start time to get good seats- there were hoards of people. It's also a time when parents take their young kids to see films. The audience was packed with children screaming. As we took our seats I saw a little girl coming down the isle above ours and I told my husband she looked like trouble. Boy was she ever! She would not stop talking throughout the film and kept kicking my husband's seat (he was too embarrassed to say anything to her- so I did in a polite way and then she stopped). She was cute. I knew she was trouble though because she reminded me of me when I was a child. Loud and in charge!

As I sat there with all the screaming children who were ruining my film experience I wondered to myself if I will ever gain patience with children.. I love them so much but my patience is limited. I hope that once I am surrounded by kids 24-7 that will change and I will be in mommy-mode and tune out everything and everyone. My husband on the other hand has massive amounts of patience with kids. I sometimes see him with his 5 year old nephew and he can play with him for hours! I seriously am in awe of this. At least we are both aware of our strengths and weaknesses- and I know that he will be the one that the kids will play with most of the time and because of this they will probably adore him more than me. I will be the more straight-laced parent. And I am ok with that because I will be the more creative parent that will do things with them that my husband wont.

As I am writing this I want to take a nose -dive into my keyboard. I am just so exhausted! I mean I slept for 7 hours last night but no amount of sleep shakes this tiredness I feel. I also have a bunch of headaches all the time. I guess this is completely normal for my first pg and seeing as though I am growing two little people inside of me- who knew it would take so much out of me?

My next doctor's appointment is next Thursday- it's so far away! I wish I could go this week but a part of me wants to wait until next week because my chances of knowing the sexes will be better at 17 weeks.

Also I have been thinking a lot about names lately. I have NO boys names. None. Me and hubby cant agree on one. I need a name that will work in the US and in Israel since we are most definitely going to be moving there once my husband finishes his degree. The names cant have an "R" in them.... so we are pretty clueless. We have a girl's name all picked out. One that I had lobbied for since the beginning of this marriage- after much persuading , the husband is on board. Yeahy!

But again, this whole boy name thing has got us side-tracked. My mom is returning from Israel on Sunday and said that she had bought us a baby name book. I hope it's a good one because I am for once in my life clueless. Gosh- what if Im having two boys? Then I'm in real trouble!

If I am going to have a boy/girl combo I will fool everyone and say that I am going to name them Brenda & Brandon. That should produce a few shocked faces and will get a laugh out of me.

:)

Ramblings of the day....

It's strange to think that one year from now my life will be completley different. I dont htink that anything in my life will ever change like this huge life event coming up.

I mean this is larger than life (much like my thighs).

It's funny how I see pics of celebs that are pg and they look thin all over but have a belly bump. Who looks like that?

I'll tell you who doesn't: me!

It's funny how you grow all over- not just in your belly! Well, a few lucky chosen ones only grow in that area.

But I love the thought that I am pregnant and have two little human beings inside of me. Its such a strange thought because it's not like I feel them yet. The only reason I know they are there are from the sonograms and protruding belly.It just feels unnatural. I mean I know that its the most natural thing in the world, but when you are IF and it seems like it's happening to everyone but you- it's not something that seems or comes naturally (especially if you got pg through ivf). So why would that feeling change within a matter of 4 months?

It reminds me of being overweight. Most of my life I was about 50 pounds heavier than I should have been. I had always been viewed as "Chubby" and "pleasantly plump"- my entire life. Then within a matter of a few months I dropped the weight- but that didn't mean that I didn't feel overweight. People were treating me differently and I saw something else in the mirror but it takes quite longer for your mind to catch up to your body... and I think that's whats happening to me. I wonder when I'll feel pregnant. When I give birth? Ha. This is all so surreal. You would think that being 3.5 months pg with twins would change that- but frankly it doesn't.

Everyday after work when I arrive home my husband comes and greets my belly. He kisses it and says "hello guys.. I love you". Last night he said that he feels love for them already. I don't know if I am there yet though and I think its because it has not fully sunk in yet. Is it weird that I don't "love" them yet? Should I? I mean I haven't seen them yet or had that bonding moment. I don't eat certain things, stay away from hazardous situations, feed them whatever they are craving (wink wink) and make sure I am healthy and well rested. But can I call it love- no, not yet anyway...

I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person.

So tonight I am going to see the movie I have been waiting for ... the Simpson's movie. I will let you know how it is but I may be a little bias because I have loved the show since it was a short. Hope you have a great wknd ladies!

Bathroom Run

I pee so much! DAMN.

I really should have a port-a- potty in my purse. It's funny- I mean I'm only three and a half months along and I look and pee like a woman who is in her 6th month. I purchased a new bra the other day on my shopping spree. I was once a 36C..... I am now a 38E! That's just insane. What will my breasts look like in 3 months- let alone after I am done breastfeeding? I will be able to throw them over my shoulder.

One thing I noticed this morning- I wasn't nauseated! I mean I know it might just be a fluke and all... but hopefully this is a sign that the morning sickness is letting up a bit. I am tired all the time though, and I don't think that's going away soon... like my doctor said "it's just the beginning"....

My life has become pretty boring. Now it's all about the pregnancy, and once they are born I am sure it will be all about the babies... One thing I have noticed though? There's a strange weird competition among pregnant women. Is it just me who thinks so?

I mean, if I walk in the hallway (at work) and run into another pg woman, she eyes me... but in a way like "oh, I'm bigger than you- farther along" as if it's a competition. I know it sounds crazy but damn I feel it. So does it start that early? I know that women with babies are constantly competing with one another about who's child potty trains first or walks first... I don't like that world, but I too will probably be sucked into it begrudgingly.

And in a way that is why I would love to have one of each- a boy and a girl. I want one of each because when you have two boys or two girls, they are constantly being compared to one another. If one twin walks first, or one twin talks first...I feel that if you have one of each people are less likely to compare them to one another. I don't know if that makes sense to you but my fear is that my twins will be compared constantly.

On another note I have finally decided to get off my ass and start pursing my passion. As Ive stated before I draw and have cartoons that I have created. I would love to see it get animated one day. I need to create a story bible which includes character bios, drawings, and story synopses. I believe that it could be very successful, and I am fortunate enough to be able to know the right people to present this to. I have put it off for so long but I am finally going to do it. I am actually in middle of doing it as we speak. I know this is the time to do it because I will not have any time once these babies are born (GD willing). It's now or never! Wish me luck!

8 Facts

I have been tagged by K for 8 random facts about me. I am not too sure that it needs to be disturbing facts.. but that's the route she went and I will go the same. Get ready.

8 random facts about me.

Here are the rules:Let others know who tagged you.Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged. Disturbing facts. It's gonna get dark up in here.

1- Well as most of you know I have a sixth sense. I can sense things that I shouldn't. I once bought a book by James Van Praagh where he teaches you how to be aware of the forces around you and communications. I read it and I will not lie, at night I started hearing things and sensing things that I was NOT happy about. As if I had allowed myself to be open to these communications, whatever you want to call them. At night I would sometimes feel as though something was tapping me on my shoulder as I slept (no one was in my room) and I heard strange voices. So one night I lay in my bed and said out loud that I respect whatever it was that was trying to communicate with me, but that I was not ready for it. That was it. No more tapping on my shoulder, no more communications. Thank GD! I know it sounds crazy, but this stuff runs so deep into my family that I know that if I wanted to I could get to levels that most people cant. I choose not to.

2- Two nights before my grandmother passed away last night I had a dream about her. She was wearing a long white dress and had a light around her. She looked beautiful. I awoke and knew it would not be long before she passed. I called my mother that day (who was by my grandmother's bedside) and told her that she should be prepared because my grandmother was going to let go soon. She did.

3- I have a triple nipple. There I said it. I do. It doesn't look like a nipple though. It's right below my left breast (which is where most triple nips are). I discovered it about 4 years ago. I always thought that it was a birthmark until further inspection. No one would be able to tell that it is what it is. I am embarrassed by it and when these babies are out, I want to get it lasered off if possible. I was so afraid of telling my husband when we were together. I felt that I needed to share, so a year before our wedding I told him. His reaction? He said that it just proves that I am unique! He loves it and says that I shouldn't get rid of it. He said that now each baby, and himself will get to have one. Yes- he's nuts... but I love him.

4- Freshman year of college: I went to a goth club in nyc . It was fun! I wore ripped stockings, a black skirt and top, gloves, did my hair all weird and put on tons of dark make-up. It was quite the experience and it made me realize just how normal these goth kids are! I hung out with a bunch of them that night and they were so nice and non-judgemental. They also did NOT do any drugs!

5- Sophomore year of college: Went to an S&M Club/Bar. It was a lot of fun! A bunch of friends and I decided it would be funny to go. It was. Since I was the resident virgin of the group, they decided to pool their money together and have me whipped by a beautiful half naked man. This Greek god grabbed me, dragged me on stage after my protesting- tied me up and blindfolded me. He then proceeded to bend me over and whip me! It wasn't a joke- it really hurt! I asked him to stop but that only egged him on. When he was done he put a cherry in my mouth. That was hot. (I have pictures but will not post) :)~

6- As a child I loved the Flinstones Vitamins. My mom would give me one and then I would proceed to sneak into the kitchen, climb into the cabinets and get more. I would eat them like candy!

7- I once od'd on Tylenol- not on purpose! I have always had terrible cramps during aunt flo. One particular month I took about 28-30 pills in a span of 24 hours. I passed out during an advertising class. An ambulance was called and I needed to drink liquid charcoal to get the poison out of my system. Charcoal does not taste good. Once they checked to see that the Tylenol had not damaged my liver, and before they released me, I had to undergo a phsycological evaluation for them to know that I wasn't trying to commit suicide. I sat with them and told them that they could talk to my doctors and they would attest that I have horrible cramps and that I usually relive them with pain killers. It took a while, but they finally let me go that night.

8- I cant spell. I really cant. Yes I am college educated and have a great job at a wonderful company... but my spelling is like an 8th graders. Thank GD for spell check!

Now I Tag:

Stacie, Mony, Blonde Ambitions, Faith, Chas, Dawn, TopCat, Hopeful Mother, Sub Sadness

Clothes Shopping, Anniversary and More

I think I just bought the entire Motherhood Store.

I decided to go shopping today since I have NO clothes. I came to this realization after looking at my king sized bed covered in a clothing explosion. Every morning I take out clothes from my dresser or closet and try them on to see if they still fit. They don't. Nothing. After giving up this morning I started surfing the web at work and came across the motherhood website that said SALE!

There's a store near my job so I took my lunch break and went. I had never been there before- the store is awesome. It was a combo of destination maternity/ pea in a pod/ motherhood/ Maternity Spa. I only had an hour and I was going to make it work. So I started grabbing everything in sight- I felt like I was on supermarket sweep. Everything was on sale!

Of course I grabbed all the shirts in a medium when in reality I am now a large. I am only 3.5 months pg! The larges still have more room to grow. Who knows how long I will fit into them.

The store was unbelievable. The saleswomen were great they asked me if I wanted water or juice... and brought over bottles- they were so attentive. There was even an area for husband's with flat screens all programmed to the sports network! How insane? I think they realize that no pregnant woman likes to clothes shop (even the most die hard clothes horse... like I was pre- pg) so they want to make the environment as relaxed and enjoyable as possible.

Anyway I bought all the shirts in Larges. So get this: I bought 15 items, including a good bra (finally) and guess how much I spent? $201.00.... How great is that? I am really happy about this purchase.. but even more so I am happy that I don't have to shop again for a long time... well, I hope not anyway.

And so I am back at work and relaxed that this clothing fiasco is behind me. The salesgirl must have thought I was crazy because I was rushing and trying everything on in lightning speed (I did only have an hour). When I tried on the bra she wanted to check the back and she was about to touch me and I yelled " I wouldn't touch me if I were you, I am all sweaty"! Poor girl.

On a side note.. it's my anniversary today.

5 years ago me and my husband fell in love... at the same time. It's not a marital anniversary even though that's what's usually celebrated.. we hold this anniversary to be bigger.

I'll just give you the recap. We knew each other for years (since our parents were friend's prior to our births), I had a huge crush on my husband forever and although he knew he chose to ignore it since he didn't like me.... Fast forward to spring of 2002. Since my man was living in Israel we met up while I was visiting for my two week spring break vacation. We clicked, we kissed, it was nice. I went home thinking that we had a deep connection and felt that it needed to be explored but alas, I had to return to school. I bought a ticket to return to Israel that summer. Within a week of my being there.. we were living together.

One night during that week we just looked at one another and this deep strange feeling came over us... it was like the exact moment we fell in love. I started crying and didn't say a word, and he knew why! I had fallen for him, but it would never work because he lived in one country and I in another. He fell for me that moment as well on July 24th....

So long story short, we all know how the story turns out... but today is our anniversary. My husband is not a big celebrator of anniversaries and bdays but he said he did something... we'll see. But of course no gift is as great as these two little people growing inside of me.

**UPDATE: Sweet husband sent me flowers.. albeit they are the ugliest arrangement that I have ever seen... but its the thought that counts!***

One of them days.....

Monday, Oh Monday...

I hate Monday's but I hate rainy Monday's even more. It's been raining non-stop here in NYC. I am finally back to work. You know staying home gets really boring! I was home 4 days last week and was seriously climbing the walls! I was talking to my husband about it and he said to savor my "me" time since I wont be having any for the next couple of years.

The thought of having two little people on the way is so heavy. I mean that's it... it's life changing. I will always be someones Mommy. Me, a mommy? That is the strangest thought ever! I can take care of people well and I enjoy doing so. It's like I will take the backseat to my kids. They will be the top priority.. to make sure they feel well, and eat and do their homework... etc.. nothing else will matter. I lucked out though- I have a husband who is ready and willing to be a full on partner and father. He looks at me and says that I come first and foremost in this family- a life lesson he learnt form his uncle.

His aunt and uncle have an amazing family unit. They have been married for 30 years and have 5 daughters. Each daughter is more well-behaved then the last (the eldest daughter being my husband's cousin that is also if- who Ive mentioned before). The parents love one another so much and are never seen arguing in front of anyone. The daughters all ask their mother if she needs help constantly by clearing the dishes, doing the laundry or anything else she may need. They do these things even if the mother does not ask. Sometimes when I am over their house I sit in shock. We asked them one day how their daughters turned out so great. They answered that they put each other first.. as in he puts his wife first, before the kids and she does the same. Once the children realize that each parent loves and respects the other, it causes them to respect their parents as well. Wow. I hope that works for us.

Lately I have been so scared of losing my husband though. I think it has to do with having just lost my grandmother. The pain of losing someone you love is just unbearable. And the thought of losing my best friend suddenly... well it freaks me out. I cant even imagine that.

But anyway, enough of me being morbid right now.

Let's discuss that co-worker that you just cant stand. Everyone has one.

I went to get breakfast for myself and my boss this morning and returned with a box full of food. This co-worker looks at me and says, "well, you are eating for three"... yeah, she said that. It's like her I suppose. She's so strange! When I was out this week, and she signed for packages for me, she makes a point of emailing me AND my boss to let us know she did so. I mean the only reason she does that is to let my boss know that I'm not here (which of course my boss knows). I know it. She has NO good intentions. Every time I print something form the community printer I see her over by the printer reading the papers that I just printed! Yes! I caught her quite a few times. This is really bad because my boss is pretty much the head honcho here and no one should be snooping into her business! I did let my boss know about this and she was shocked, but there's nothing any of us can really do- this woman is a lot older than 95% of the people working here and it takes a lot to be berated here at my company. So... I just let it roll off my back.

Off topic- I was in a sorority in college. My pledge name was "Tai".... i.e Tai from clueless. I loved that film in high school!

Saturday

Hey Ladies,

I was sort of out of commission the past few days. Mon & Tue I wasn't feeling great so I took Wed off of work. Thursday I went back but was feeling really run down my boss saw this and said that maybe I should take Friday off since she wasn't going to be in anyway and we have summer Fridays (where we get to leave at 1-2pm).. she told me to get some rest, and I did. Feeling much better! So yesterday I stayed home with the hubby.

My husband has a really weird work schedule. He has two days off a week which are Friday and Sunday, so we never have two consecutive days off together. He hates it because he never feels as though he can really rest since it's a day here and there and I understand that. But he makes good money and he's been at the job for almost two years now. Plus with this job he gets to go to school full time, so his boss is OK with him working three days a week when the semester begins.

On Saturdays I get bored out of my mind because my hub isn't home and he takes the car to work.. I'm pretty much a prisoner in my own home. I wont be feeling this way when the kids are born because I will be too busy to be bored.

Yesterday we got the last two pieces to our new living room. So exciting! Everything looks as great as I thought. It's funny how you can make your apt or house look amazing on little $.

I am still stressing a bit over finding a bigger apt so we can have a bedroom for the kids, but my husband seems to think that we should stay in our current apt until they hit a year. To me that makes no sense at all. I want them to have their own bedroom while we have our own privacy as well. The problem is, that you need to spend another $500 for another bedroom when you are renting. So, if your rent for a 1 bedroom is $1000, a two bedroom would be $1400-1500. That's crazy!

He thinks that we should take the year to save and then move out.. but I don't think he realizes that kids cost a lot of money and I'm not sure just how much were going to be able to save after all is said and done. I don't want to be like the lady who lived in a shoe! I mean, I would absolutely consider that if we were having one, but we're having two!

By the way I am so happy about that!

We were discussing it yesterday and said that the twins are a double blessing. They get to have each other and we don't have to rush to have another child so soon. So hopefully if all goes well, maybe we'll have another when they kids are 5. I wonder how long our frozen embryos can stay frozen. My clinic said something like 4-5 years. Have any of you heard any different? I still have 6 that we could use, but of course it doesn't mean that all of them will survive the thaw. But then again, who knows what will happen.

It's funny to think that I have two little beings inside of me that are unaware of who I am. I am just their portal. I think I will feel as though they are really real when I feel them kick. I cant wait for that!

Hope you all have a fab weekend!

Hello

Hi all,

I'm feeling a lot better today but still kind of not feeling myself. On Monday and Tuesday I was having dizzy spells on and off accompanied by pounding headaches. I stayed home yesterday and rested. The dizziness went away but the headaches are still kind of around. I think I may have caught something. I spoke to my doctor yesterday because I was worried about the headaches. He said that I might be dehydrated (since I told him that I had the runs most of the morning- I know TMI). He said it would take about 6- 8oz glasses of water or liquid to bring my body back up to speed. I told him how I was surprised to be feeling this way since my pregnancy has been so good thus far. He laughed and asked "how far along are you again?". I said 3 1/2 months. He said "this is just the beginning"... and that with twins it becomes progressively harder on the body... that it only gets worse.

Nice.

I thought I lucked out. Apparently not.

I am not complaining though because you know what- I am pregnant! I have wanted this for so long and although we were only TTC for a year before we did IVF, the thought of infertility has been looming over my head for 4 years now. Since my surgery to remove my right tube (in 8/2003), followed by another surgery to remove my right ovary (5/2004).... the thought of it has never once left my mind. I always wondered if I would have problems getting pregnant when I would begin to try... and you know what- I did. My fears were founded. Everyone at the time had said that I had no reason to worry, that I wouldn't have troubles.. including my former doctors... but they were wrong. My gut was right.

When I first got married in 9/2005 I told my husband that we should start ttc just in case I were to have problems. He was not happy about that idea and said that I may not have any problems getting pregnant and that we should wait since we were newlyweds. I continued for the next 7 months driving him crazy with the idea... until he finally gave in. I know he wasn't crazy about the idea, and frankly not ready... but I knew that I needed to know if there were to be problems down the line. And you know what, maybe one of the reasons I wasn't getting pregnant was so that my husband could get used to the idea of having a baby. With every poas that got trashed and every month of my crying.. my husband became sad as well but never said a word. He always said it would happen when the time was right.

So when it finally did happen, after the months of bcp and shots that he administered to me daily.. he was ready and happy. And I knew he was genuinely content.

So what I'm saying is, I cannot complain. I have no reason to. So I'm uncomfortable physically- big whoop. I was never as healthy as a horse to begin with. And its all for a wonderful cause.. I am bring two souls into this world (GD willing).

I am rambling today!

Still wishing I could have stayed home in bed for the rest of the week, but alas could not. My boss is pretty cool though. She asked how I was feeling and I told her why I was out. I also said that I was happy she was traveling yesterday so that I wouldn't have to leave her empty handed (by not being in the office). She said that my first concern is to take care of those babies.... how sweet?

So that is pretty much it.

My mother is coming back from Israel in 2 weeks. She has been there for 5 weeks now, since my grandmother was hospitalized and passed. I think she would love to come with me to the sono in 3 weeks when I think the sexes can finally be determined.... If she doesn't aggravate me until then, I'll ask her to come.

**I am waiting for a doctor at the practice to call me back again. I am starting to have some right pain in my ear, which may indicate that I am coming down with something... we'll see what they say. I just hate to be one of those pg women that call every day to bug them... but I truly feel as though I have a virus that's weighing me down.

Resting

I'm home today because I wasn't feeling too well last night. The doctor called me back yesterday and said that I should consider staying home for a day or two to see if the dizzy spell goes away. I awoke at 4:30am running to the bathroom.. I spent a while there.

It's a good thing my boss is traveling on business today and isn't in the office. I am taking it easy today and trying to rest up. I'm also watching "Bringing home baby" on TLC- this one is about twins... yeah, seems easy - uh huh......

That's all for me today- hope you are all doing well!

I need to vent

Alright here goes. This one goes out to my mother aka "Mother Dearest".

My mother and I have never actually gotten along. Don't get me wrong she is a great woman but we are so different. It's as if we weren't made from the same material, as if I had never come out of her.

My mother always dreamed of a "perfect daughter". To her that consisted of a sweet, quiet delicate, frilly girl. I was none of those. I came out roaring. I was a tomboy of sorts and was overly opinionated. I needed answers to just about anything and I questioned authority constantly. I would run around all day- my hair all afrizz getting dirty and playing with the boys. I had my girly side too though. I played with barbies, always wore beautiful girl clothes.....but I was a disappointment to my mother. My older brother who is 3 1/2 years older than me was the quiet one. He would stay in his room and read , never caused any trouble, and no matter what he did- he was right. Always. My mother adored him- and does until this day (it doesn't matter to her that he never went to college, is 30 and still living at home- oh and he's unemployed).

She always made me feel as though I wasn't the daughter she wanted and would say things like "You should have been born a boy". Yes- she actually said that- often. As a child I had a speech impediment, if you can call it that. I would not be able to pronounce "th". Instead I would pronounce it "f". For example, I would say "Mofer" (mother), "Fafer" (father). She would ask me why I couldn't speak normally like everyone else. That truly helps the confidence of a child.

I'm not saying she was all bad- she had her great moments as well. She always gave us love and warmth, always kissing and hugging us. She would say wonderful things about me to all her friends and encouraged me when I wanted to be an actress at the age of 10 (by taking me to acting school every Sunday morning) and art classes. She bought me whatever I wanted- and as a child that's great.... but she was lacking in common sense when it comes to the psychology of a child.

My mother was a dainty woman and still is. All her friends and family ADORE her. That's because the fangs don't come out to them. So I was always viewed as a problem child because I didn't get along with "Mother Teressa"- I mean how could anyone not get along with her? Little did they know she did nothing for my confidence and didn't like when I pointed out how unfairly she treated me- compared to my brother.

Until this day, no matter what I do, it's just never good enough for this woman. I graduated college, got married (this made her proud because none of her friend's daughters who are around my age are married yet), have a good job, and am making her a grandmother. I am the one who always does things for her.... my brother never wants to and she never asks him.

She was never an independent woman: she dropped out of high school in the 11th grade, married at 22 to a man who was 12 years her senior (my father-mind you -was twice divorced), and was whisked away to a different country (USA). She has never dealt with the finances, and never knew how much money my father was making. She wasn't in control of anything- and she loved that ignorance.

I am the complete opposite. I am independent. I received an education. I can take care of myself and my family. I always saw her as weak and said that I will NEVER be like her. And you know what, I'm not. I say that with pride. That is why I said that I never had a yearning to be a stay at home mom. I want to make the money and I want to have a career. She stayed at home for 12 years and then staretd working part- time. I know that she did this for us, but it made her miserable. Because of this, she was unhappy and lashed out at us.

I try to take away the good things from her but leave about 80% of her behind when I become a mother (GD willing). I get so scared that I will turn into her.. that I will damage my children. I think all women feel that way before they have children. I believe that I will be a good mother though- because of it. I will nurture my children's individuality and not try to box them up and make them into what I want them to be. After all, we bring them into this world- but once they are here- they are their own person.

I'm just venting because of a fight I just had with her. I had asked her specifically to not let anyone know that I am having twins. I kind of want to keep that under my hat. She should respect that. I mean- I have a right to go around telling people what I want because it's my pregnancy. She says OK... but then I am encountered by her friends and family that say "congrats on the twins- your mom told me". This gets me steaming mad. When I confront her about it she plays dumb and says "Oh, did I tell them that?" and then she gets angry and says that I'm stressing her out.

My husband says that the solution is just to not share anything personal with her. She is my mother. How do I not share anything personal with her? I mean when I went through the IVF she took care of me. She has her moments. If I don't share with her- it comes back to bite me in the ass... she says that I am a bad daughter. When I do share, it's on world news tonight... it's always a lose-lose situation.

So yeah, that's my vent.

Oh plus I need to know if this is common:

I have been dizzy on and off since yesterday. It comes and goes. Has this happened to you? If so... what will help?

thanks!

Event filled day bonanza!

I am exhausted!

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life- at least it felt that way!

I awoke at 7am (yes, on a Sunday) and by 9am was by my hairdresser's. Since I had a wedding I decided to do a little something special with my hair. Usually I just ask them to blow dry it straight but this time I asked him to straighten it and curl the bottom. Bad idea. I guess that's not his forte. I ended up looking like a mix between Phil Spector and a poodle:

I didn't have time to wait while he fixed it so I got up, jolted to my car and called my husband frantically telling him to plug in my curling iron (after all it was already 10am and the wedding was at 11:30am- an hour's drive away). The humidity of the day made my hair worse, and I ran upstairs and started curling my hair.

I did a better job than he did, that's for damn sure.

I had nothing to wear, but I managed to pull together an outfit. It's strange gaining so much weight. It's like I have so many clothes but I cant wear any of them!

We got to the wedding about an hour late (12:30). We came in just in time to see them say their "I do's". My husband and I started laughing as the DJ played their outro :It was our intro song- the song we both came down the aisle to at our wedding: Enya's Caribbean Blue!

If we thought that was random- imagine how we felt when their first dance/ song was ours as well? Bryan Adam's Heaven? We looked at one another and couldn't believe that our wedding soundtrack was so similar (mind you they weren't at our wedding since we were married in Israel-plus she never saw the DVD so she doesn't know what our song choices were)!

Me and hubby danced to the second slow song- and then he looks over to me and says "I think this is the first time our babies are dancing". It was so cute.

The wedding was nice.. very American. When I say American I mean( not to offend you all) but "most"American weddings are a bit cold. I say this with much love and respect. I married in Israel and it was insane! People were dancing up a storm, singing, laughing, drinking,sweating until the cows came home. I had about 400 people at my wedding so its strange to see weddings that have 150 people. My wedding kicked ass (kind of like my bog fat Greek wedding). It did (until my cousin ruined it by almost punching me in the face for asking him to leave my wedding- I caught him and his gf having sex on my veil).

Anywho....

The food left much to the imagination and I was starving. I almost ate a whole loaf of bread.

We bolted by 3:30pm and got on the road. Next up: My cousin's son's circumcision. Like I have mentioned before, he and his wife had twins last week: a boy and a girl, also a product of IVF.

Apparently they had growth problems and on top of that came out at 35 1/2 weeks. They circumcised the boy while the girl stayed home because she is still too small to be out.

I started talking to his wife and she said it took her three failed ivf attempts to have the twins. She's a bit uptight though. I wanted to caress the baby's hand and she said "No touching- he's still too small". I mean what's that about? If he was still "too small" they wouldn't be circumcising him now. I thought that was a little rude of her.

The food there was a lot better.

By the end of the day, my feet were absolutely killing me. I just wanted to rest and put them up.

I don't have any pictures but a Friend at the wedding took one or two that he should be sending me soon.

My friend's boyfriend, who I had only met for the first time at the wedding said that I was the only sexy pregnant woman he had ever met (he's gay- so I take that as a compliment).

Me sexy? I felt like the good year blimp! He said he doesn't hand out compliments very often so I should appreciate it. He then told my husband he was very lucky because I am beautiful.

I never hear that- but suddenly I am hearing it right and left since my pregnancy- just when I feel the most unattractive? I guess now is the time to hear it if any.

I just feel so bloated and can be rolled down a hill easily:

So that was pretty much it- I was out like a light by 10pm.... which is actually pretty late for me these days. I hear so much about getting your second wind during your second trimester but I have yet to see that happen.

Recap

Yesterday I had my NT scan. My appointment was for 2:30pm, but was only seen at 3:45pm making me the last patient of the day.

My husband is great- he comes to every one of my appointments with me. He had a day off from work yesterday and spent hours with me instead of studying or relaxing at home. He has really proven himself since he saw those two little circles on the sonogram screen at 6 weeks.

Anyway, the clinic had great machines. I layed down on the bed and my husband sat to my right in a chair. There was a flat screen - directly above us on the wall that showed all the goings on of the babies. It was awesome! As she was measuring one baby, he/she moved their hand and it looked like it was sucking it's thumb- I laughed so hard because I sucked my thumb until I was 7! The other one waved hello to us! This sono was the best we really got to see them clearly!

I asked about the results and they said there were two parts to the NT screening. The first is the measurements, which they did and could give me the results for at the moment , and the second was the blood test ( that will take a week). The Doctor examined the pictures and said they looked great (Thank G-D).

She asked me if I wanted to be tested for many other things to check and see if the babies are ok- I told her to go for it. I am not the type of person to go blindly into things- I need to know facts. She said that if the blood test comes back ok, I still need to have another one done at 16 weeks. She said if the first blood test comes back abnormal... it might be a cause for worry. She said if the first is fine, and the second is iffy- not to worry because with twins and ivf there are a lot of false positives with regards to this test. I know about false positives from my blog friend Mony. She too had a false positive and was worried out of her mind for weeks. So I wont really stress until I know for sure.

As I was talking to her I asked her if she could tell what the sexes were. I guess she liked me because she said when they were done drawing blood, she would do another sono on me to see! It payed off to be the last patient of the day!

So they did the sono and the babies weren't in the best position for determining their sexes. She did this for about 20 minutes, while another doctor walked in and joined in on the fun. Although nothing is 100%, seems as though Baby A may be a girl, and Baby B a boy! Wow, one of each! I mean, I wont take it at face value, but she said that she's hardly ever been wrong and the only person she was wrong about was herself (she did her own sono at 10 weeks- so I guess all the doctors lie when they say its too early to tell at 3 months!).

All in all, it was pretty cool. The doctors were really friendly.

Tomorrow I have a friend's wedding and turns out I now have a circumcision tomorrow as well. My mom's cousin just had a set of twins- a boy and a girl. His wife also had IVF done. So when my dad called and said that me and hubby were invited, I had to say yes. I mean there's a camaraderie there- she just had twins through ivf and I am about to have twins through the same method (G-D willing). So my day will be quite busy tomorrow.

Here are some pics of the kids and a pregnant pic of me (just for you K)

Twin B: Waving to us/ troublemaker * possibly the boy*

Twin A: This is our lazy one *Possibly the Girl*

Friday the 13th....

So today is Friday the 13th. Should I be worried? I have my NT scan today and I entered my 13th week of pregnancy today as well. Is that a sign?

Oh wait there's more- I also found a white hair on the top of my head today- by the crown. Yes, overnight a white hair grew, because I know it wasn't there yesterday! What's that about?

I know I have about 3 or 4 inside the folds of my hair in the back. That's fine because only my hair dresser can see it. But this? This is out there for the world to see. So I cut it. I didn't pluck it out because I remember what Samantha on Sex in the City said when she found a white hair down below: "IF you pluck a white hair, 10 more will come to its funeral". It's funny that this is happening now- I am pregnant and will be a mom and so I have therefore become "old". I know some of you are laughing at me right now- but getting fat and having white hair is not a sign of youth! (Do you sense the melodrama in me?)

My 17 year old cousin on the other hand has a bunch of white hairs on the top of her head. She dyes it because its quite severe.

"Date Night"

Anyway last night was ok. I didn't have a "great" time but it was nice. First of all let me tell you one thing: Parking in NYC is insane. You just cannot find any. So we parked in a parking garage. $48 dollars!

We met up with the birthday boy, a few of his friends, and some of our shared friends. They are all single, living their lives, going out all the time... needless to say we didn't fit in.

We met outside the restaurant and a friend of mine since childhood, let's call her "Betty", was sitting on one of those street polls. I guess they are there so that cars cannot crash into the building, sort of like dividers. They are low to the ground. Anyway, she's sitting on one of them, which are not meant to be sat on obviously, and she sits down in such a provocative way while wearing little shorts. She lures men from miles away to her. I think that has to do with the fact that she is a stripper and uses her sexuality every day. Mind you this girl was so quiet and mousy all throughout our childhoods but when she went away to college: bam- she came back a stripper! I don't really know who she is anymore. I mean I love her because she was my childhood best friend, but we now have nothing in common.

So a few guys started coming up to her and two other friends and hitting on them. It made laugh but at the same time reminded me of how I no longer feel beautiful, thin and young. It sounds crazy I know.

The food there was yucky! Definitely not worth the money. A few of my friends were there (you know the friends that are friends when you see them because you used to be very close in High school or college but no longer have anything in common?). One such friend let's call her "Elle" kept rubbing my belly and when I got up to go, gave my belly two kisses- one for each child. I thought that was strange because who does that?- but I know she is a little off kilter but means well.

Something funny did happen though that redeemed the whole feeling "not beautiful". As me and hubby exited the restaurant Betty and Elle were smoking a cigarette outside with two other women from the party and there was an unfamiliar man with them. I guess he too was seduced by my stripper- friend's stand and started up a convo with them.

As I said goodbye, the man looked at my husband and asked him "Is that your baby"- meaning if he was the father of my pregnant belly. I looked at him and said"Well, I hope so"- little does he know that I wasn't joking (I mean who knows if they mixed the wrong sperm with my egg- we'll know once the babies are born).

Then as my husband was saying his goodbyes, the man looked at me and said"I just want to let you know that I think pregnant women are so sexy- you look absolutely beautiful and sexy". I was shocked. I told him to say that to my husband (because my husband has said that to me before so I wanted him to hear someone else say it as well). My husband agreed with the man. I felt flattered. I could see the look on Betty & Elle's faces- it was pure shock, I don't think they ever thought that a pregnant woman could be sexy.

Then the man turns to me and my husband and says "well have fun for me tonight..." (little does this guy know that we hardly have sex since Ive gotten pregnant).

The whole experience made me laugh though. I don't feel sexy at all! Last week a co-worker of mine said that he thinks pregnant women are sexy. How can a pregnant woman feel sexy though? I feel so round and fat! I cant look at myself in pictures at this point in time!

The highlight of my night you ask?

It was going to the Kwick- E-Mart!

I'm not sure of you guys heard about the promotion 7-11 is doing for the Simpson's Movie. It's turning a handful of 7-11's into Quick-E-Marts. I dont know if you know this about me- But I loveeeee the Simpson's. Ive been watching since they were a cartoon short on the Tracey Ullman show back in the 80's. I made my husband stop and I went in. It was heaven! Cut outs of all the Simpson's characters, Squishee's instead of Slurpees, they had the pink donut from the movie posters, Duff Beer, and Krusty-O's cereal! I made my husband take pictures. I felt like an idiot, but I didn't care!

Here are some pics from the store:

Simpson's Donut:

Krusty-O-Cereal (the kind Bart Eats)

Apu

Me being Cheesy:

Bart & Homer

"Date Night"

Today me and the hubster are going out.

Not because we are a cool, young, hip couple. No, not at all.

We're going out because it is a friend's birthday. We only truly go out to different restaurants or events when we have a friend's birthday or a wedding. We usually spend a lot of time at home or go to the occasional movie.

Tonight we are going to a hip Japanese/sushi restaurant in Manhattan called "nobu". It's supposedly very "cool". It's been featured on sex in the city and everyone around here knows it well.

I know I cant eat raw fish, but I will have vegetable rolls and chicken (even though I am craving a spicy tuna roll). Of course these places cost an arm and a leg, but alas, what can you do?

I also need to look nice tonight- which will be hard seeing as though I am large and in charge. Maybe I will take some pictures and post them... but I know that I will look like a house. I so will. But I am large with babies on board- so that's ok!

Last night at about 4am I awoke and realized that my air conditioner was off. Then I realized that one half of my apartment's electricity was off. We had a shortage. Try getting dressed in the dark. My bedroom and bathroom have no electricity. I thought that it might be a problem with my building, so we went to work figuring it would be on when one of us would get home. My husband got home a few hours ago and the light is still off. The super is trying to fix the electrical now.. needless it say it might take a few hours. Finally when we get to go out- something like this happens!

Maybe we should have figured something was wrong 2 weeks ago when there was a burning smell from the bathroom light. I told my husband to go to the super then, but his lazy self didn't.

My air conditioner better work for tonight or I'm sleeping in the living room! A pregnant woman in the summer time needs her AC.

My Husband

I admire my husband.

-He is strong willed.

-He is sensitive- but no one knows that but me.

-He has lost so many people that he's loved in his life to death (illness, accidents), and because of it appreciates who he still has.

-He never wants help from anyone and relays on no one but himself.

-He seems serious on the outside, but those we truly know him know that he is a huge goofball.

-He is determined to make something of his life regardless of the fact that life has dealt him lemons.

-He will get up at any hour of the night to help a friend in need (something I wish I could do).

-He will always lend a helping hand.

-He tries to cook at times but seeing as though he is a perfectionist, it takes him hours to get a meal prepared.

-He takes out the garbage.

-He cleans the tub.

-He always has a way of looking at life from a realistic point of view (something I don't do as well)

-He has now developed a little gut and when I rub his belly he says "My sandwich baby is in there"

-He hates muffins. If I place cake batter into muffin/cupcake tins he wont eat it. If its in cake form he will.

-He has always supported his wife in everything that she's wanted to do (except shop)

-He left the comfort of his country to be with his love an ocean away.

-He has traveled the world and has educated himself.

-He is now in college at the age of 27- starting his education from scratch.

-He will no doubt be a father that I admire (I always wanted my own father to be the way I KNOW he will be with our children).

-He smiled from his heart when we both saw the first sono that had our two little miracles on the screen.

-He is a handy man- he can fix just about anything.

-He smiles from his soul.

-He loves off-road motorcycles (much to his wife's dismay)

-He is liked by everyone he meets.

-He is loved by his wife.

It happened

My first trimester is now coming to a close and what happens?

I threw up today.

I know that this is not a big deal, but this was my first time! I have not thrown up during this pregnancy. But then again, nothing with me is ever "text-book".

Its so funny, only yesterday was I talking to my mother about it. She said that she had lunch with her aunt (who is my mother's age). She too has a daughter my age who is pregnant (she is about 2 months or so). My mother's aunt told my mother that her daughter can not stop throwing up. I relayed this story to my husband in the evening and he said that my pregnancy might be going well because it took me so long to get pregnant (I.E. G-D wants to make it easy for me). I said that maybe he was right.

Cut to this morning- with me puking into the sink. I was genuinely surprised! I mean I know that it happens to other women- but me? After I threw up I laughed and told my babies to behave in there. After all they were so darling until now.

On Friday I have an NT Screening. I am a bit worried about it. They can give me answers on the spot. I hope all is well in womb land. I just pray that they are doing well. Nothing in this world is more important than your children being healthy. Wow- I sound like a mom!

Me- a mom? How strange!

Google Game

"Maya Needs"

This is a fun game: Google your name and 'needs' and then post the results.
This is what I got:

1.Maya is active and will need a person who understands both of her breeds. Truth is I am a mixed breed! I am half Syrian and half Yemenite. Quite the interesting conversation.

2. Maya needs to regularly visit the pediatrician, and occasionally a cardiologist. Haven't needed to go to the pediatrician in years... more like OBGYN's.

3. Maya needs work. actually, I am pretty happy with my new job thanks!

4. Maya Needs a good amount of RAM. I wont even comment about that one.

5. Maya needs pictures. I have a lot of pictures but have not developed them in almost 2 years. By the time I develop them, I will have to shell out $500.00

6. MAYA needs to make its financial statements available to the public. I don't think there's anything to really see.

7.Maya needs a humongous favor! Unless Bill Gates or Oprah want to give me some money, I don't need any favors....

Last but not least...... It's not a 'Maya needs' but its hysterical and I don't know what it means...

8. How to build a beast horn using Maya

My stars!

Introducing my little tiny little babies:

Look how big they got! They are like little people! The one on the bottom (Baby B) would not stop dancing for us, while the top one (Baby A) just layed back. We call baby A lazy- much like his father. Baby B is the mover and shaker- much like Mommy.

It was so surreal to see them move!

My doctor wasn't in yesterday so I went to a different doctor at the same practice. She's new- but really great. She too is pregnant. The nurse there- I wanted to beat down.

This is the same nurse that told me that I don't need to gain 40 pounds during my *TWIN* pregnancy. 2 minutes later my Doctor said I needed to gain AT LEAST 45 pounds. She thinks she's a know it all!

We walk in and she is about to weigh me. I ask her if I should get a sono done first. She said I don't need a sono. I proceeded to tell her that my doctor ordered me to have one EVERY TIME I have an appointment. She said "Well, the doctor is wrong- you dont need one every time". I'm sorry- I didn't know she knew more than the Doctor!?!

She weighed me and I'm up 4 pounds. 13 in total. That's not too bad for being 3 months pregnant with twins, but considering I gained 4 pounds in 3 weeks... well, that's not great. I don't know how to not gain the weight- I am hungry non stop! I eat whole grains and occasionally have the french fries (which I never allowed myself prior to the pregnancy- I give in to my cravings once a week). I don't eat meat (occasionally I eat chicken). So I'll try to curb the eating, but if my body is telling me that I'm hungry non-stop, I don't know what else to do? Of course, I will relax about it. My doctor said to eat and gain weight and that;s what I'll do. He knows best after all.

Anyway the doctor then came in and said that she wanted to do a sono on me to measure my cervix (which hadn't been done before). I asked her about the NT screening. She said this would be the time to do it. I wondered why this test wasn't required, but she said that its not one of the tests that must be done during pregnancy- it's the choice of the patient. I want to do it. I know its scary- but I would rather know if something is wrong. She said that nothing should be wrong since I'm young and don't have a history.

The babies are doing well- Baby A is measuring 13 weeks, while baby B is a day behind at 12 weeks 6 days. I'm not exactly sure what that means since I am 12 weeks 4 days now. I feel relieved and I am happy I went.

When I went in for the sono, I had to use the restroom. My husband overheard the the devil nurse asking the sono tech if I needed a sono every time I came in- and she said "of course with twins you always need to have them done." The nurse must have felt stupid. I will tell my doctor next time I see him that this nurse is unsympathetic and said that he was wrong (about sonos). You need to report these women. They work with pregnant women that need patience and good care. Not to be second guessed by a know it all nurse- who clearly does NOT know it all.

Anyway- all is well in Baby Land for now. Until I take that test this week that will drive me crazy...

Weekend

Such a productive weekend!

Well not crazy productive, but I feel good about it.

On Saturday, I finally got my living room furniture. Up until now we've been living off of newlywed hand- me- downs. You know those- different pieces from different people when you first get married and cant afford to purchase a new set. I loatheddddddddd the mix matched.

I wont lie- I made it work. I bought slip covers, and nice pillows. My apt looked great- with the paint and my accessorizing, I guess I have a knack for that.

A week and a half ago I was online and decided to scan a furniture website....lucky me. They were running the July 4Th sale, and I got a 4piece chocolate leather set (sofa, love seat, one seater, and leather coffee table/ottoman) for 1500! I know, it was crazy! I showed it to my husband and he couldn't refuse. He's usually the stickler with our finances but knew a good deal when he saw one. Originally I didn't want leather but after much consideration I figured if my kids spill their drinks or eat their snacks on the couch, I can just wipe it up. So that was a no brainer.

It looks great and I am so happy! Now I finally feel like an adult- my apartment is all finished! Babies, Career, Furniture.... Crazy things are happening this year!

:0)

Later on in the day I went to visit my best friend at her parent's house. She spent the weekend there with her husband and two children since her sister-in-law had just given birth to a baby boy and it was a big family get together. Now, usually when I go there I get the "Aww, poor Maya, shes having trouble getting pregnant look" from all the women there. This is because my best friend's older sister has 5 kids, she has 2, and her brother has 4. Mind you, she and her siblings are 30 years old and under. So there are always children running around.

I sat there with all the women and held my best friend's 2 month old daughter. She is such a mush. So tiny and beautiful. She muzzled on to me and used my huge breasts as her pillow. I was overwhelmed with such maternal feelings. It may be the hormones. I looked a her and wondered how I could possibly hold two of them in my arms. Then I remembered that I have a husband! He'll hold one while I hold another. That was a relief.

My best friend was dying to tell her mother that I was pregnant. I pretty much grew up in that house. It was my home away from home in high school (I fought with my family a lot and since she lived two blocks away- that was my safe haven).

I gave her the go ahead (since the three month point had passed). As she handed me her baby, she looked at her mother and said "She needs to hold the baby for practice"... no one got it. Then she repeated it and I got such an amazing response! All the women were overjoyed for me. they knew that I had problems getting pg, and they couldn't stop rejoicing. It was nice to finally not get that "look". Her mother then said that when she saw me she thought to herself that I had gained weight. Ha, I'm fat again. I would rather people think I'm pregnant then that I let myself go again.

Anyway- yesterday Sunday we went to see Knocked Up. It was hysterical! I highly recommend it! My husband really enjoyed it as well (although he really wanted to see Die Hard)

I also spoke to my husband's aunt during the day. She is the most amazing person ever! She has 5 daughters and each one is more amazing than the next. They are so helpful and respectful and considerate. His aunt raised some amazing women. She is better than super-nanny.

As I spoke to her, she wanted to know if it was OK to let her daughters know that I was pregnant. I said of course.

Now her eldest daughter who is a year old than me, has been married for 5 years. She too is if. I had spoken to her about this when I was in Israel in January. I wanted to bring it up because her issues are not ever really discussed. She is a small town girl that doesn't know too much about fertility. I wanted to share my knowledge, and see if I could help her. I told her about my problems and she then started opening up and telling me about hers. She's been trying for 5 years to no avail. Her and her husband are religious Jews, so they are expected to pop out babies every year (since they dont really allow birth control pills). They went to their Rabbi and he said to wait 5 years into their marriage before they go the assisted route. To each his own. I don't think I could wait that long in the dark.

So that's what they did. Their 5 year mark just passed. She happen to be there when I called her mother and we began to talk. I told her about my IVF and she said that she was setting up an appointment to go to a fertility doctor. She said that she has heard so many horror stories about IVF, but I told her to put her mind at ease. There was nothing ot worry about. We spoke and after the conversation, she said that she was so glad I called and that she would call me throughout the process. She said that I strengthened her. Wow. Nothing would make me happier then helping someone get through this scary process. She is such a great girl and has no one to discuss this with.

I had my aunt to talk to. She is 13 years older than me and is like a sister. She had IVF done 10 years ago with her second child (her tubes were blocked). I would call her often to discuss the process and she was very helpful. I hope I can do the same for my husband's cousin.

**On a side note, I had a Doctor's appointment scheduled for next Monday. My Doctor wanted me to come this week (but since he was going to be out of town- I decided to schedule it for the following week). Today I awoke and decided that I wanted to go this evening after all. I know my doctor wont be there, but this practice has 3 more doctors- and I figure I should get acquainted with them just in case I will need to use them in the future if my Doctor is out of town. I set up an appointment for 6pm today. I guess it's a fear of waiting. I just want to know that my babies are ok, and look fine. My husband asked if I was ok with not seeing my doctor until next month (if I go today then my next appointment will be in a month). But I think I am. I am just a worried mother. Do you think I should wait a week or go today?**

Vent

OK, I need to vent.

As you all know I live in New York City. As I was waiting for the subway to arrive I stood next to two individuals. As the train approached, and there were two empty seats, the two individuals proceeded to dart past me to get to the seats. I was in shock! I looked at them and said "So not one of you will let me sit down?"

They both ignored me- like I wasn't even there! It was a man and a woman. The man looked at me, and tilted his baseball cap down to his face so that I would walk away- like he didn't care. I wanted to kick him in his face!

Others around the surrounding area must have heard- but not one person got up for me! Not one! Is this normal? I have noticed that 8 times out of 10 no one cares. Its just not human. I always gave my seat up for the pregnant and elderly. Even now if an elderly or disabled person gets on the train or bus, I give my seat up- because no one else will!

I really don't get people's selfishness sometimes. I really don't. Thanks for listening.

:)

Day Care

Last week I was stressing out over day care expenses. Turns out the day care centers in our area are insanely expensive! For a 3 month old from 8am-5pm it's about one thousand dollars a month. Times that by two- and we are broke! I mean we could probably swing it but that means we wont have a dollar left over. Not one- what happens in emergencies? That's how you get into credit card debt.

There is no chance that I will stay home. Its not in the cards for me- for many different reasons.

1) I bring in a good amount of money and we could not afford if I stayed home. My job also offers medical insurance and 401k... so we need those!

2) I finally got a job that I know will lead me in my chosen career path

3) I always wanted to be a working mother. I know that no one can have it all- you may not be able to have it all at once, but you can have it all.

My mother stayed home with us until I was 8. I loved having my mom pick me up from the bus, and have hot food ready on the table. I would tell her about my day as we walked home. It really was great. But as I got older I wondered why she never had a career... my mother never finished high school and got married young. She was 22, married my father who was 12 years her senior (mind you, he was twice divorced!) and moved with him to the US- leaving her entire family behind. She never took care of her wants or needs. Her kids were her life. She got odd jobs here and there- but she never had to work (my family was financially secure at the time). I guess a part of me resented not having a career driven mother. I always vowed to myself that I would finish high school, go to college and get a job in a field I love. That I would not be like her. She is very old fashioned- she never payed the bills, she never knew how much money my father made- even until today! I hated that so much!

In my home now, I am the one who pays our bills , I know exactly how much money my husband makes, and we go over our finances weekly. I feel so empowered.

Anyway, I'm off on a tangent........

So after my 3 month maternity leave, I must return to work. My husband is in school when the semester begins, and therefore he only works part time- which means I bring in a large sum of our income during that time.

My mother had mentioned that maybe she would take a break from her job for a year and watch the babies... but kind of backed out of it. My mother is a home care worker, which means she is assigned to an elderly person and goes to their home for a few hours a day to tend to their needs. She makes almost nothing, but enjoys having a job and the medical benefits that come along with that.

I have begged her to watch my kids for a year and that I would pay her. She is now considering this. My argument is.. would she rather see her only grand kids being taken care of by people who don't know them.....? I tell her she gets to be home and enjoy herself while they nap- which is most of the day when they are young. Its not like they are running around at that point. If she says yes- then I will be saving money and know that my kids are in great hands.

Move

I am in a bit of a bind.

Not sure what to do.

I have a great apartment that I don't want to give up. Its huge and the rent is great for our area, and its in a quiet building in a good location.

Problem: Its a one bedroom. We will be adding two more family members soon, and I believe that they should have their own bedroom.

2 bedroom apartments in our area run around a few hundred dollars more than we are paying. We would be able to afford it if my husband was working full time (which he does in the summer) but since he is a full time college student, he works part time when school is in session.

My best friend just purchased a home that she is moving in to in 2 months from now. Her apt will be up for grabs. She has a two bedroom, but the apartment is quite smaller than ours.

Pros of her apt:

*Rent stays the same as what we're paying

*Kids will have a bedroom

*3 blocks from train station (for my daily subway commute)

*Is on the first floor- meaning I will not be stressed if the children run around (and worry about downstairs neighbors)

*Sunnier than our apt

*Has a washer/dryer and dish washer- we had none of those bec we are on the third floor and they don't allow it (so we send out our laundry)

*since its first floor hubby can walk outside to smoke (yes, hes a smoker)

Cons:

*Smaller than our apt

*Husband not crazy about apt set up- ceilings are lower, where bedrooms are positioned...he says he doesn't like the vibe. I say that when we set things up our way it will be beautiful- my friend tore the place up- so knowing my sense of style, it has potential.

*the bathroom is nasty- tiles, bathtub toilet.... but we could easily fix that (my best friend's uncle owns the apt)

The alternative to not moving? Staying put and hoping that a two bedroom opens up in our building (super says none available now)- it will still cost more, but the apartment is huge and then we don't have to move from our great location. The problem is- we are not sure when an apt will open up- if at all.

Suggestions?