I blame it on the pizza

Why is it that people that you love the most can hurt you the most?

I was just thinking about my Sister- In-Law. I have been close to her since me and B started dating 5 years ago.

She is married to my hubby's older brother. They had been going through a very rough year.

SIL found out he was cheating on her. The affair was really bad because it was not just physical. He was in love with another woman. M was going to leave him but didn't. She moved to her parents house and BIL came and said that he wanted to work on their marriage.

My husband's family was so angry with him since she is such a great woman. How could he just break up their family (they have a 4 year old son).

I had helped her throughout. She felt as though she couldn't talk to her family about it. I was her friend throughout.

They began to reconcile and called in April to ask if they could come stay by us for 2.5 weeks since they found really cheap tickets to new york- mind you they live in Israel. They had never been here before- and we had even payed for them to get Travel Visa's for the trip months before.

Me and husband discussed this. It was not a good time. I was going through IVF.

She knew.

But I said that if this was her only time to vacation and get away after the long ordeal she's been through- how could I say no? I should have said no.

They arrived and thought that we could take vacation and be with them. Obviously we couldn't.They gave us a weeks notice before they arrived and I was going through IVF! The retrieval and transfer etc.... I couldn't get up from bed. She knew this b4 they arrived.

She and her husband did not get along. He didn't want to go out much (whats the point of vacationing if you don't go out?) all he wanted to do was go to stores and buy motorcycle parts and outfits. SIL was missing home. She started acting aloof and sad. I tried to talk to her but she seemed unsympathetic. This was unlike her. My BIL would make a mess and not clean up after himself. How could he do this? He knew what I was going through! Not only did they arrive, they brought my 4 year old nephew who made a lot of noise and ran around the house. When we asked them to try and quiet him down they said w"What can we do- children are children".

Finally the last straw.

The day before they left I was feeling better ( a week after transfer) and we were going to treat them to dinner. SIL wanted PIZZA. That's all she wanted. We searched restaurants in our area that were kosher (that's all she eats) and that had food for us ( we wanted to eat!), and pizza for her. It was late and we couldn't find anything that had both. We decided on a pasta place. We were about to walk in, when she looked over and saw a pizza joint across the street. She wanted us to all go there. We said that we would sit with her while she ate her pizza, and then go to the restaurant across the street. She said "NO- I don't want to eat alone!" Seriously like a child.

We tried to convince her but she said that she lost her appetite.

We all sat down and she looked at the menu. She was mad- she asked why the menu was not written in Hebrew. What a stupid question! You are in AMERICA. She said that since it was a kosher restaurant they should have it written in Hebrew as well. That stupid comment- I let slide.

Then we all ordered while she sat with folded arms. She is 29.

We all ate and my 4 year old nephew looks at his mother and says "Mommy, why aren't you eating?"

She looked at him and said that since no one cared what she wanted- she wasn't eating. She went on to say that now she knows our true colors.

OUR TRUE COLORS!

I hate bringing up what I do for others. But here goes.

WE always buy clothes for her son. ALWAYS. Every time we visit Israel we come with bags and bags of clothes, shoes and toys- since they are not in the best place financially. Not only do we buy for him, we buy for them as well. When she had mentioned that her digital camera had broken, and she asked how much a new one would cost in the US- I went out and bought one for her as a gift. I am by no means well off. We have been living paycheck to paycheck since we got married (up until this new job) but we wanted to help out our family. We also payed for their travel visas as I had mentioned above.

But besides that- I was her shoulder to cry on when she was going through the long ordeal with my BIL.

I went against common sense and let them come to my home during one of the hardest most difficult times in my life- to make HER happy.

As we left the restaurant we said that we would all go sit with her at the pizza place- have coffee while she had pizza. She refused, said we could go and asked for the car keys. That was it.

I looked at her and said "why are you acting like a child- you will not sit in the car, come and eat"- she looked at me, said she could do what she wanted and stormed off.

This happened the night before they left.

That night as we were saying goodbye to them (we had to be at work in the morning and wouldn't see them again)- she didn't say goodbye to me or thank me for anything.

That was it.

The last time we spoke. She knows that I got my pregnancy result a long time ago but hasn't called to find out. My grandmother passed away- and no call from her (she knows since my father-in-law and everyone in my husband's family knows that she passed away).

I am so hurt by her. But of course, it's always those that you love that hurt you the most.

"Secrets"

Its strange to think that next week I will be 3 months pregnant.

How did this happen?

It's funny how when I talk to people that don't know that I had IVF done, and I have to act like the pregnancy was unplanned I say "I don't know how this happened". They usually answer "well, you know how it happened."

If they only knew.

Imagine I answer "Sure, I know how it happened...first I had to take birth control for a month, then I started morning injections, had to get tested daily at the clinic, then the night injections started. All the while I was taking baby aspirin, anti- biotics (that made me throw up quite often) and finally a huge shot in the ass that made my ovary blow up. Once that was done I had to go under, have my eggs extracted while my husband gave his deposit, returned 5 days later to have my little blysotists inserted. Last but not least let us not forget the dreaded two week wait the "Am I or am I not"? Running to the drug store 5 days prior to the results to buy 5 poas and testing daily- ALL THE WHILE ASKING MYSELF IF THE FAINT SECOND LINE WAS A RESIDUAL OF THE TRIGGER SHOT AND WAITING IN HORROR FOR THE BLOOD RESULTS.. ...

Yup, I don't know how it happened.

Today I tried to put on a stretchy skirt that I own. I bought it two summers ago and it fit great back in 2005. Needless to say the stretchy waist barley made it up my thighs! I feel like a house. But its all worth it and I am not complaining!

I spoke to an aunt of mine today (mom's younger sister). She is 37 years old, and she is more like an older sister than an aunt. She even looks younger than me. No joke.

I have been calling my grandparent's house very morning before work to make sure everyone knows that I am with them although I am 6000 miles away.

Said aunt answered and we began to talk.

Turns out, every one of my aunts and uncles knows that I am pregnant ( 7 aunts, 7 uncles)-

Quite the secret. She didn't discuss it with me until I brought it up. Everyone knows not to talk about it. So I let the "cat out of the bag" and told her. Of course she knew. What no one knows is that I am having twins. She said that she might surprise me and bring her 2 year old daughter with her when I give birth (G-D willing)

Of course it would make them all happy- and maybe they need to know this now. To know that although we have death, we also have life. I still don't think its an appropriate time.

I knew it was going to come out. When I made the choice to tell my grandmother that I was pregnant, I knew that it would make her happy, but that it would get out. This pregnancy made her so happy and she would take an aunt aside and say "Shh.. don't tell anyone, Maya is pregnant". Then she would go to the next aunt and do the same. The risk was worth it. She knew and it gave her some happiness at the end of her beautiful life.

I am from a people that refuse to discuss pregnancy until 3 months in, when your chances of miscarrying are lower. We even do not believe in purchasing any items for the baby before it is born (has to do with the evil eye- I am middle eastern after all). It's funny that although my grandmother specifically said "Don't tell anyone"- she went and told her daughters. I guess they weren't just "anyone".

So I just heard that a cousin of mine is pregnant as well. She is a year younger than I and got married a year ago. More people to steal my thunder! Her pregnancy on the other hand, was not planned. The "oops, it just happened" people. I dont know how that works. Of course unless she pops out two or more, she cannot steal my thunder.

I saw her in January and she said that she wasn't planning on having kids until she finishes her BA (she has some time left) and until she got a good job. UH-HUH.

Man plans, G-D laughs.

Although she is only 2 months along, her mother (my grandmother's sister) blurted it out. She said she doesn't care to announce it since she is excited about being a grandmother. I m just shocked that it didn't tempt my own mother to open her mouth. She knows the wrath of my anger will come down on her like hell. She's scared. :)

Anyway, I ramble...

Angel

Thank you all for all your well wishes.

The past few days have been tough but life goes on, it has to.

On Monday morning as I was getting ready for work I got the call. My father never calls me at 7am. I knew.

So I didn't go to work.

It's really difficult to mourn a loss when you cant be around your family. It's like if I was around them, then we could all grieve together. But being so far away, I don't know how to mourn her loss.

My husband also took it hard since he loved my grandmother. He knew her since he was a child, and when we got together she was so happy. She always said that I should marry him because he would treat me well. She said that he and my grandfather are similar- that they both lost their mother's as children (my hubby and grandfather) and because of this they appreciate their wives.

She was right.

My grandfather is very distraught because not only did he lose his best friend and wife, he also lost his surrogate mother ( that's how he felt about her). My mother is telling him to come to the US with her, so that in January we may have a celebration (babies). If one of them is a boy, then we will have a circumcision, and he will be the one to have the honor of holding the baby. That made him happy. This will be his first great grandchild. Maybe that can get his mind off of things for a little while. I will be off on maternity leave then as well, so I can spend time with him.

Last night I cried so much and held on to my husband. I am so afraid to lose him. My grandmother's death is my first loss. I should be thankful that I have gotten to the age of 26 without having death touch my life. My husband has been surrounded by death from such a young age. First his mother, then uncle, then 25 year old cousin, then aunt, then grandmother. All people he truly loved. So not much affects him. Nothing makes him cry. It felt nice to know that he really loved my grandmother and her loss affected him.

So that's it for now.

I am getting bigger by the day and I cannot wait for next week when I am officially 3 months in. I still wont go announcing it to the world, but I will be less hesitant to answer if someone asks me.

Sad

My grandmother passed away last night and I am sad.

Sad that I cant be with my family and at her funeral in Israel today.

Sad that my grandfather is suffering such anguish because today he lost the love of his life.

Sad that her 7 children, their spouses, 21 grandchildren, her 9 siblings, their spouses and their children- will no longer have the privilege to be around her.

Sad that my children will never have known her- although I know that they are now being watched by her.

Sad that the world has truly lost one of its angels today.

First OBGYN appointment

Nervous for nothing!

My appointment went really well.

I had a sonogram done- my first that was not done vaginally (of course I couldn't see them so clearly this time). My husband heard the heartbeats for the first time- he was blown away. I didn't like the woman who did the sono on me. She was not friendly and when I asked a question she laughed it off and made me feel dumb. All I asked was whether or not the babies will be able to interact with one another inside the womb ( this question was answered later on in the day- when funny enough- the national geographic channel was screening 'multiples: inside the womb").

Then I went in to be weighed by the nurse. Moment of truth. I gained 9 pounds since I started IVF in early April. Now, I do keep in mind that I did eat throughout the day- so some of that has got to be food weight. The nurse pretty much said that I shouldn't have gained so much in my first trimester and that I should watch myself. That made me sad.

I felt defeated.

All my life I have struggled with weight. I was always the hefty girl in class- "pretty in the face". When I had my first surgery to remove a 14cm cyst that had grown on top of my right fallopian tube 4 years ago, I realized just out of tune I was with my body. I made lifestyle changes and dropped 50 pounds. I had never been healthier. I had gained 10 pounds since my lowest point (i was my thinnest at my wedding in Sep '05)- but I was fine with my weight for the first time in my life . So although I know that this is all IVF weight and twins... hearing that I need to watch myself makes me feel like Ive lost my years long struggle with the scale. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I walk in to my doctors office. I gave him a hug and thanked him for sending me to the specific specialist. You know what the first thing he says to me is? "First things first- you need to gain at LEAST 45 pounds."

Ha! - I was scared all this time for no reason! I said that a friend of mine who is his patient as well said that he is a stickler when it comes to weight gain. He said he is- with a SINGLE pregnancy- he doesn't want to be delivering 10 pound kids naturally. He went on to say that it doesn't matter how big my babies will be because we will most likely be delivering through c- section- which is what I want.

Said friend ( which I adore) is trying to understand why I want a c-section as opposed to a natural birth. There is no doubt in my mind that this is what I want. I have had 3 laparosopies before, I have an idea of what kind of pain Ill be in- although of course it will be more. I am having twins and don't want complications. I don't want to go through 24 hours of labor. I am a weakling. I like the fact that I can know ( assuming all goes well) when the babies will be born (GD willing). I know that women who have been through natural child births encourage them, but I don't see what the big deal is. I just discussed this with a fellow co-worker and she said that by having a c-section, I am not going through the whole "pregnancy experience". I feel like I am. So I may never know the true pain or have the experience of having a child the old fashioned way, but I am OK with it. I don't know why everyone else is so gung -ho about me trying it. I do not want to push out one child only to find out the other is in breech, and off to the operating table I go. Not interested.

I told the doctor about my weight gain of 9 pounds and he said "Good- now go drink milkshakes". He said that this will be the only time in my life where weight gain is encouraged. I feel good.

He answered ALL of my questions with a smile and with patience. He truly is the best.

Oh- and I showed him my navel. He said that whoever stitched me up did a bad job (which I obviously already know) and that there is nothing that we can do about it until after the birth ( since no one will operate on a pg women- since we tend to bleed a lot) . He said that it may pop out and open (lovely) and that the only thing he could do for it is give me a steroid shot to the area.

A theory I had weeks ago ( which said friend discredited) was that if I was having a c-section, they could fix my navel. I was right- that's exactly what he said! So, at least that can be done at the same time. I wont feel it until a few days later- so that's OK by me.

The babies are doing just fine and are progressing nicely. He also said that I am not considered high risk as of now. He delivers 120 sets of twins a year, and says everything should go smoothly. He was also pleasantly surprised how quickly the IVF worked and that the two they inserted took. He also wanted to know if the cause of my IF was known- it has not- but we are pretty much sure that it was the enormous amount of scar tissue that had formed from my last 2 surgeries- this made it difficult for the sperm to meet the egg).

So that's it- my doctors visit rocked. I am truly happy with my caregivers as of late. My next appointment is in 3 1/2 weeks- which seems so far away since Ive been monitored almost weekly since this whole process began.

As I was leaving, and setting up my next appointment, I had handed my file to the nurse and there was a blue sticker on my file that said "TWINS". It made my day.

* I didnt want to put up a picture of me ( in case someone I know is reading this blog) but what the heck- this was my wedding day: Maybe weight watchers will get me in shape again once the babies are born :)

Thoughts

I had an informative conversation with a fellow employee at the convention yesterday.

Since I am an executive assistant, I am in constant communication with other assistants. There was one assistant who I always talk to over the phone but since she lives in Atlanta, I had never met her.

I knew she was going to be at the show and when I saw someone who I thought was her- I walked up to her. It turns out it was her. We got to talking and we spoke about her 3 month old (which we often discuss on the phone). A few minutes later I revealed that I was pg with twins- and she gave me a hug. I told her that I had just told my boss the day before and that I was worried about it affecting my job.

She told me her story- which was sort of similar to mine:

She had been an assistant to a power executive for 4 years ( in our company). She had found out that she was pg the same week that her boss announced that he was leaving the company.

She let her boss know about her pregnancy and he felt horrible. He wanted to take her along with him to the new company, but it would be months before his start date. He advised her to stay behind because she needed the medical insurance that our company provides, and set her up with a new manager. She was 3 months along when she informed her new manager about her pregnancy. She said that she apologized to him ( like i did) and he said not to, but that he was shocked. He had to deal. Plus he's a man- most men aren't as sympathetic I believe (like women)

So I guess that's why my boss said it happens more often than we think :)

She said not to worry and that my job would be protected. Nice to hear and know that I am not the only one that this happened to!

OBGYN:

This evening I have my first OBGYN appointment. This is very nerve-wrecking! My husband will meet me at the Doctor's office at 5:30pm and we will go in together.

I am trying to get all my questions together for the doctor. I really am happy with him as my OBGYN. I have been through 2 OBGYN's prior to him. He was my first male gyno, which I thought would be weird, but wasn't. Turns out his father (also an OBGYN) delivered my older brother years ago. My new Dr. was the one who suggested my IVF doctor and when I see him today I just want to go up to him and give him a huge hug for the recommendation.

The one thing that I am unhappy about is the bad sewing job someone on his medical team did on my belly button in October. Before my venture into IVF, my OBGYN was trying to figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant. My hormone levels, my husband's sperm- everything seemed A OK.

He said that the scar tissue from my previous surgeries was probably the culprit and was causing the if. The only way to know for sure was to open me up and have a laparoscopy. Mind you this was my third time having this kind of procedure.

After the surgery, during the healing process, I realized that something was amiss in my belly button. It hurt very badly.

In a laparoscopy they make 3 incisions- one on each side of your uterus, and one in your belly button ( where they stick the camera and flashlight in).

I have had this done before and it never hurt this way. When I started to heal, I realized that whoever had sewn me up did a HORRIBLE job. I know because again, Ive healed from this procedure twice before.

My belly button looks like theres a piece of meat sewn together and stuck in the hole ( cant really describe it) and did I mention it still hurts if I touch it?

I went to my doctor a week later to look at it but he wasn't in. Another doctor on call looked at it and said that once its healed it should be OK. IT'S NOT. It's been 8 months now and it's not getting better.

My IVF doctor said that its a really bad job, and that only a plastic surgeon can repair it- that it could probably be done at an office. I am just worried that as my tummy gets larger, this ball of sewn together meat will pop out and open. I cannot wait to show it to my doctor today and hear his reaction.

That's it- my vent is now over.

Any suggestions what to ask my doctor on my first visit?

**ps I am afraid of the scale today- I hear this doctor is a Nazi when it comes to pregnancy weight gain**

Cute

A funny thing happened today.

I had to attend an industry convention today for a few hours. As I was walking around having fun (It is the media industry after all) I came across a Psychic Friends Network Booth. There was nothing flashy about it, but I walked on over.

Turns out that there was a little booth with a web camera. If you wanted, you could go up to the booth and talk to the psychic on the end. Of course I did.

The man who was on the other end was the head psychic on the network ( He's a well known in the UK- Christian Dion). I walked up, gave him my name ( we could communicate) and that's it. All he needed was to look at me and have my name.

What he said:

1. He said that I had just started a new job and that although the process started in February- I only recently got the job ( How insane?)

2. Said the new job has left me panicky- but I should let that go.

3. Said the job would open many doors for me ( hopefully).

4. Said something medical happened to me 3 years ago that has affected me until today that has resolved itself ( removal of tube and ovary which caused my if)

5. Said a lot of things have started happening as of February and will wind down as of next February.

6. Asked who has been talking about babies lately- me or my husband. The funny thing is, he didn't see me from the waist down ( I saw myself on the screen) so there was no way he would know that I was pg .

I said that I was pregnant with twins. He said that this new job will help- not hinder my children and that they would be born healthy. He also said that getting a new job and getting pg was all part of a cosmic plan and is happening at the same time for a reason. Said I no longer have to be panicky.

It was pretty entertaining.

A weight has been lifted

I told my boss.

I felt that I had to. I am getting big.

She said that she almost asked me last week but didn't. I guess she knew. She was so cool about it. I told her that it was twins and she screamed with laughter. She said my parents must be so thrilled. I went on to say that I definitely want this job and that I will return after my leave. She suggested we get a permanent back up for me so if I need to not come in one day, or need to go on bed rest- then we don't have to train someone.

I feel as though a weight has been lifted. I was apologetic even though I said I wasn't going to be. She said that I shouldn't apologize and that these things happen often. I told her that the timing was strange- she said not to worry. I lucked out ! I feel so good right now, but a part of me is still worried that the whole IVF thing will come out and she will know that I fibbed. I'm still ab it worried but at least I am past it.

So it is what it is.

She suggested that I not tell until I am at least 3 months because it is high risk. I guess she knows a lot about it. She seems well versed- she may have had it done herself ( she had a bay a year ago and she's 40)- but you never know.

That's it- just wanted to share.

Sadness

I am so sad.

A co-worker of mine who I LOVE was sick for the past two weeks and I didn't know what was wrong. She came back today and I went to visit her. When we were alone I told her that the IVF worked and that I was pregnant with twins. She knew of everything that I went through to get pg and she wanted advice bec she too thought that when she was ready to have kids she would have a problem due to cysts and irregular periods. She is engaged and getting married next year.

Well once I told her about my happiness, she told me why she was out.

She said she had stomach aches for days and then started bleeding one day. Her fiancee took her to the hospital only to find out that she was 7 weeks pg- carrying twins -and the babies had not made it. They said that the reason that they didn't make it was because she had a large cyst on her ovary that was using up all the blood in her uterus and it took away from the babies.

They immediately had to put her to sleep and remove the embryos.

When she is healed she will have to undergo surgery to remove the cyst, hopefully sans ovary. I told her that if she wants to talk to me about it- Im there. I have been through two cyst removals ( 3 laparoscopies). The first one was to remove a 14cm cyst with my distorted right tube. The second a few months later to remove a cyst from my right ovary along with 3/4's of my ovary rendering it useless. I have been through a lot and wanted to offer some support.

But I was shocked.

All this and the woman thought she couldn't get pregnant naturally! She never used birth control with her fiancee. Poor baby- she is one of the nicest and best people you can meet- she didn't deserve this.

Imagine my surprise to find this out right after I told her that I was having twins! What are the chances? I would never have told her. Of course being the best person that she is she was so happy for me.

I am so sad for her.

All this just makes you think, you know?

Week 9

So today was my last IVF Clinic visit. That's it- I graduated.

I saw my little babies on the screen. One is on his back and the other is floating on his stomach. Now I can actually make them out. I will scan the pic and put it up tomorrow.

The doctor said everything looks beautiful and that they are exactly the same size. I was so blessed to have come into such a wonderful medical practice. The staff was so patient and kind.

My OBGYN appointment is scheduled for Wednesday. I'm not exactly sure what goes on my first appointment. I'm afraid to get weighed but what can I do- I am carrying twins and I did undergo IVF. Weight is the least of what I have to worry about right now. I just need to focus my energy on growing these babies- then I'll focus on myself ( of course I say this now after downing a whole plate of Greek fries).

**My husband says Baby A has his big nose (which is clearly a shadow I hope) and says that the child doesn't need a paternity test. He still wants one for baby B though until it proves him otherwise ( he's scared that the lab may have mixed the wrong sperm with my egg- he's paranoid and cute).**

Advice

I need advice!

I've brought this up before but I'm not sure how to go about it.

In early March, I interviewed for a position that I really wanted within my company. It seemed like a sure thing- my recommendations were great, she liked me etc... But I didn't hear anything for over a month. Then I started the IVF process in April. Shots, retrieval, transfer.

During my 2WW - one day before my btp- I found out I got the job. This meant I interviewed for the position and got it over 2 months later! I didn't think I was going to get it because so much time had passed since the interview. I just went on with my life and with my plans.

Well, now Ive been in this position for over 2 weeks and I'm starting to show ( I am carrying two after all) . I have no idea what to do. I know no one wants to know that the person that they just hired is pregnant, but really- what can I do? I figured I would tell her when I reach my second trimester the first week of July. I'm afraid that every one's curious eyes will beat me to it. And it's summer time so there is only so much covering up I can do. I am so nervous.

I mean my boss has a 5 year old and a 15 month old as well, so she could understand. But since its still so new I don't know what to do.

I need advice cyber friends!

Thanks,

-M

:(

I was sad this past weekend.

I found out that my grandmother was hospitalized. This is not a good thing. In October we found out that she has Pancreatic Cancer. That is a death decree. 95% of people who are diagnosed die within the first year.

I know that she is a grandmother. That she is older and death is expected. But not her. If you only knew her! She is a special soul, a friend to all.

Her and my grandfather have been married and in Love for 56 years now. My grandfather adores her. Up until she became sick, she would do a seductive dance for him in front of us all, lifting her long skirt up a bit to reveal leg. He would laugh and have a smirk on his face.

She is so funny! All the women in her neighborhood in Israel- young and old would gather every day in her front yard and she would serve to entertain them all. She was a powerhouse.

What's left is a shell of a woman. So thin and fragile. So heavily medicated to quiet the pain. My mother got on a plane yesterday to be there by her side since the end is near.

My grandmother doesn't know she has cancer. No one has told her. My grandfather doesn't know either. He is starting to sense that its coming to an end. The years of love, the life built at the age of 18- raising 7 children, 20 grandchildren. Now these two great grandchildren that are growing in my belly, will not get to know this amazing woman.

My mother arrived this morning by her bedside. She showed my grandmother my 8 week sonogram picture and it made her happy. She looked at the picture and said "Two diamonds", My grandmother was the one that predicted twins when I told her I was going through IVF. She was right. Now she says boy and a girl. This woman has never been wrong before.

My mother told me an eerie story before her flight yesterday. She said that a few months back when she was in Israel taking care of my grandmother, my aunt and mother were approached by a medium. The medium started telling them how sick my grandmother is and that she was going to depart this world when there will be a pregnancy in the family. She went on to say that there will be a daughter born that will ultimately have my grandmother's soul. Chills.

Now, believe what you want. I believe in things that cannot be explained. I believe this medium. I grew up with the elders in my life having sixth senses, that in many ways have been passed down to me. I try to downplay my feelings, although they come to the surface at times.

I'm not saying that my daughter will be a reincarnation of my grandmother- because in my opinion only people who have not finished their jobs in life need to come back. She definitely has done it all. But if my daughter will have my grandmother's will and heart, we will all be lucky.

I said my goodbyes to her this past April while I was in Israel for my cousin's wedding. I filmed my grandparents and talked with them. She cracked a few jokes to the camera. Before I left I could not stop crying in the bathroom, but I could not show them my tears. So I washed my face and bid them goodbye, knowing this was to be the last time I would see this lovely woman on this earth. And that's it. That's how a life ends.

It's crazy to think that as one life ends another begins. This is bittersweet to me.

8 Week Sono

Today I went for my 8 week ultrasound.

They are both doing fine. Thank the heavens! I was so worried after Friday's spotting.

I heard the heartbeats. This of course made me cry. The Doctor laughed and said that if I cried, I wouldn't be able to hear the heartbeats.

I was so happy. I am so happy. I feel like now I can officially relax (somewhat).

It was sad that my husband wasn't there since he had to work. I wish he would have been there to see the tiny beans and hear their little hearts.

Its becoming more real as the days pass. Today it feels especially real after hearing them and seeing them grow.

It hurt so much to be in that ivf clinic, with all those women sitting in the waiting room. I know their pain, and I will never forget it. I will always be one of them. Always. Its hard to keep sane when you think that many of these women may never be able to conceive, and there I am, carrying two. I told the nurse how I felt and she said, "you were once in their shoes- now it's your time to be happy".

Next week is my last IVF clinic appointment. Then I too graduate back to my OBGYN. I want to do something for all these people at the clinic that did so much for me, but I don think that words, or material gifts can ever describe what they have done for me and my husband.

I am thankful today.

It's official!

Today I got on the subway and it was jam packed. I stood there holding on to the rail, and let my stomach be known. There were a man and woman sitting next to one another. From the start I saw that the man wanted to get up for me (my first pg seat!). But the woman whispered something to him and he didn't get up! I thought to myself, maybe she told him that I may not be pg just pleasantly plump. I was so angry with her! You would think that the woman would tell her husband to give up the seat for me, but she convinced him not to!

So I held the book I was reading in plain sight "When you are expecting: Twins, triplets or Quads" (thanks K) and it took him a while to see it. I think once he did, he got up and offered me his seat. I took it.

It's strange when you are pregnant- the majority of people will not give up their seat for you! I always gave my seat up for elderly and pg women. But now that its my turn, no one cares. I don't know if its a New York thing, or that people are just plain mean and selfish.

It's funny how I then got to work and try to hide my stomach so that no one will know. I am leading a double life.

Week 8

OK, I too will add a belly shot of me at 8 weeks. Keep in mind, I am having twins.

Unfortunately I do not have a beautiful belly like most of you ladies.

Oh disclaimer:

1. I have a huge birthmark on my tummy. It is clear in the picture. My mother says that she wanted some falafel in pita bread when she was pregnant with me. She wanted a specific kind from her home in Israel. Since that wasn't available, and she was craving it- I came out with a pita/falafel sandwhich on my tummy. It is not visible to the naked eye unless I take a pen and outline it. My husband thought I was joking until I did it.

2. I have a scar on my lower tummy as well. It looks like a dark dot in the picture. This is from my third surgery- the one I had in October. I have one on each side of my abdomen. It was from a laparoscopy- where my OBGYN opened me up to see why I wasn't getting pregnant. And although they are not pretty, they are my battle scars.....

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Birthday

Today is my birthday.

Happy Birthday to me!

I am 26 today- still quite a young girl :)

It is raining insanely today. The weather is not fun. The hair that I blowdryed yesterday looks a hot mess (always wanted to say that) so I don't feel particularly pretty today.

On Saturday night I went out with a few friends to a restaurant in NYC for my pre-bday. My two very close friends who have speculated my pg made a point to "unknowingly" share their stares and whispers in front of everyone else. They all got it. Yup, I have some immature friends. My friend's boyfriend asked if I was going to drink. I said no. He smiled.

That all really aggravated me so my night was kind of shot.

I used to make such a big deal about birthdays. I would let the world know if I could. But now I don't know that its all that important to me. Of course this has somewhat to do with my hubby. He doesn't care for birthdays and never truly went out of his way to make the day special for me. This is not to say he's a bad guy, he just thinks that birthdays are overrated. Him and his siblings are all the same. I know where that stems from.

When my husband was a little boy his mother would go all out on his and his siblings birthdays. She was knows as quite the Martha Stewart of her day. She would have themed bdays for each of the kids, make 7 different types of cakes and make the day all around special.

But when his mother was killed in a car accident when the kids were 12, 10, and 2, birthdays became a thing of the past. Their birthdays were hardly ever celebrated and at a certain point they became used to it. This is why I can forgive my husband for his lack of enthusiasm over the day. It just somewhat hurts because it is important to me.

Yet this year, I am over it. I realize that there are more important things than birthdays. Besides, I think I got the best birthday presents in the world this year- my two munchkins.

Dreams

The tiny bit of bleeding that I had on Friday went away almost immediately. It still didn't stop me from having the worst nightmare I've ever had.

Almost every single day I now wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom. In this vivid dream, i woke up in middle of the night, went to the bathroom as usual, and the toilet is bright red from my blood. Then I felt that there were pieces of something coming out of me. I started crying and panicking and I woke up my husband and told him we were going to the hospital.

I woke up and realized it was just that: a dream. I had never been so happy to wake up from a dream before. So my subconscious was quite worried about that tiny speck of blood I saw.

It's hard not to worry because it has taken me so long to get to this point and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I will try not to be neurotic (even though that is my signature trait) and wait until Thursday for my 8 week sono.

advice: trying not to panic

This morning I went to the restroom and saw some light bleeding (light pink/brownish). Of course this freaked me out. It was very light and has almost completely gone away. I called the IVF nurses right away and they said that there isnt anythign to worry about unless the bleeding becomes heavy and is accompanied by cramping.

Now my June 7th appointment seems so far away!

Last week when I went in for my first sono, my doctor gave me a sheet that said that bleeding is normal. It said that 50% of pg women bleed early in their pregnancy.

I am trying not to be worried, because last month before I had my positive beta, I bled and thought it was all over. Apparently that was implantation bleeding. But now that I know that I am pregnant- no blood should be good right?

Any advice from experienced moms? I'm a bit worried.

Thanks!