Wordless Wednesday

You call this a Jacuzzi?

Bath time is Fun?

Take out your violins

I feel like I'm going through life's motions all the while numb inside.

I have always lived life waiting for the next thing to come by and somehow make me happy or make my life complete. It's like there is always this void and every time I think I will fill it with something, it never gets filled.

I should be so happy. I mean I am. Sometimes when everything is good, you start to look for flaws I guess.

I am married to a wonderful man who is a good husband and great father (OK so he doesn't celebrate my birthday, anniversary's, holidays etc). I have two BEAUTIFUL daughters who GD had blessed me with after quite the journey. These girls give me a purpose, and I have yet to "feel" like a mother.

I mean, what does being a mother feel like? What is it supposed to feel like?

Do I love them? check
Do I kiss and hug them? check
Do I provide food and shelter? check
Would I die for them? check

I also feel like a machine most of the time. With multiples it is hard to step back and enjoy the moment. You always HAVE to do something or other- whether it's prepare their bottles, change their diapers, entertain them, feed them, bathe them etc. And I KNOW that one day I will look back and ask myself why I didn't enjoy this time more.

I have a job.
I'm not homeless.
I have parents. I don't get along too well with said parents or brother, but how many people do? I wish I liked them more. My mother is an overbearing, drama queen who never seemed to be happy with anything I ever did. Of course if I tell her this she will deny and call me a liar and tell you to call any one of her friends for them to tell you what kind of troublemaker I was.

My dad is weird. He just is. He never hugged us or showed us any warmth. He never showed my mother any warmth. They always went on separate vacations (dad went "alone" and my mother took us). It was hard to understand that when I was in middle school and all my friend's parents were going away somewhere together. My mother stayed for lack of better options and of course "What would the neighbors think"?; plus she couldn't support herself and us- she never finished high school. I vowed to myself to graduate college and be able to support myself so that I would NEVER have to stay in an unhappy marriage just because I couldn't make it on my own. I resented her for being weak. I still do. She always expects my dad to take care of her.

I caught my dad cheating on my mom 4 years ago. I mean, I always had a feeling- but that time I saw it with my eyes. There was a woman in his car. I happen to see him on the highway with her. I begged my husband (then boyfriend) to tail him- and he did. My father got hold of this and made out of that traffic jam with the wings of an eagle. I will never forget that. Until this day he has never brought it up. I didn't speak to him for a year after that. He learnt his lesson real well because of it.

My brother has what I believe to be Asperger's Syndrome. He only talks about himself, shows hardly any emotion when someone else speaks about their problems, becomes obsessed with one subject and needs to know everything about it, and is awkward in a crowd. He is my only brother and I love him. But he looks up to me and that makes me uncomfortable. I mean he's my OLDER brother.

I chose my husband because he is a good soul, because he doesn't judge me. I know that we will take vacations together, and that we enjoy each other's company. He hugs and kisses our daughters and I know they could come to him with a problem.

So I have it good. I just wish I wasn't always looking for the next great thing to happen- whatever that may be.

Weekend

If you're wondering about my lack of posts, well it's because I usually post from work. I haven't been into work much these past two weeks as you already know.



Anyway, on Friday night I went on Fac*ebook and saw a message from one of the managers at work. He said he was glad to hear I was staying on. I said that nothing was certain yet, since everything was still up in the air. He said that the EVP communicated to all the manager's that I was staying and then he went on to tell me "You do know his assistant was fired"?



Wow, so I guess she was let go on Thursday. Do I feel completely horrible about this situation? YES. I mean I took her job. I know that the EVP was not happy with her and was going to let her go anyway, but I still feel bad.



But like I said, I have to worry about my livelihood.


On Wednesday afternoon, I went to my old boss' apt. She had been wanting to give me her daughter's clothes that she had outgrown (her daughter is 2). First of all- her apt is INSANE. For a Manhattan apt it was HUGE. Walk-In closet people. 2 bathrooms. I could go on.. but to put a price tag on the rent: $8,000.00. Yes you read right. That's a mortgage payment for like 3 houses. Insane but I digress...




She had told me that she had put me in for a raise a month before she was let go and to talk to HR about it. So I will.




Anyway, since I did not go into work on Thursday when this all went down I did not get a chance to have a sit down with the EVP. I know that he wants me to be his assistant and he will now be on vacation for the next week. HR called me to talk and I will speak to them tomorrow. This is all so awkward. But at least I have a job where I may get a pay raise (his assistant made 25g's more than me) so I am thinking anywhere btwn those two salary points.




On July 4th we took the girls to a baseball game. We received a few free tickets to a minor league game courtesy of the March of Dimes so we went with my parents. I had never been to a game (yes heather- never been) and neither did my husband. It was really nice:

The girls in their july 4th gear:

Me eating a red/whit/ blue ices- because I'm patriotic like that:

I have NO idea what's going on:

I guess this weird cow was the mascot. Oh and that shirt I'm wearing has got to go. I kept getting pregnant looks from people:
"He's OK!"Grandpa with Soleil:


Today we went to the mall and I came across a photo studio. I just HAD to have their pictures taken, even though they were not wearing anything dressy. I ran to a children store, bought the cutest dresses & bows and here they are:

Soleil:
Neve:

Soleil:
Neve:The girls:

Ramblings of the Not Technically Employed

Sorry for my lack of posts lately. I guess Ive been in a kind of slump because of work.


They still don't know what to do with me yet, so HR is stringing me along. They haven't even had a conversation with me to explain what my options are!


From what I understand, the new EVP is not happy with his assistant and doesn't think she could handle the new workload. I think he wants to give me the position and HR is trying to find a legal way to let her go- since she has been there since 1995. I feel horrible about it. The woman is in her late 50's and is taking care of her elderly mother. How could I take her job?


On the other hand, he is going to get rid of her anyway (if HR finds a way) so why not worry about myself? I mean someone else will take the position if not I. I do have two mouths to feed after all. Plus, I hear there is a restructuring going on within the division (which is obvious after they let my boss go) so I think that's playing a major role as well in placing me somewhere. They don't want to get rid of me, but they don't have a definite position yet.


So I go in every other day for an hour or two just to show my face so that people wont forget who I am. The new EVP is super sweet to me and is really trying to take care of me.



I am spending more time at home with my girls, and I actually had a little me time yesterday where I went to the city to do a little shopping. It felt nice. But all this worrying is def going to bring on another ulcer ... I just feel it. I am just scared of the unknown. I feel like a rug was pulled from right under me. I know it could be worse. On Monday a co-worker passed away in her sleep. She had a heart attack. She was 42 and in great shape. It just makes you think.
Sigh



Not much else to report- which explains my no posting.



I did have a very nice belated bday dinner with a few friends on Saturday night (pics below). We went to a trendy Japanese restaurant. It was nice to have a drink and relax with some friends. I don't know why I don't do it more often.




Me and My Childhood Best Friend Riva:
My High School Best Friend Heidi & Her boyfriend:
An awesome cocktail I drank with an "edible orchid". Didn't eat the flower:


One of my favorite people in the world my BF Oren (dark hair)with his boyfriend Luke. Oren is trying to hide one of his chins:

The food kicked ass. This was my tuna steak:
My husband ordered the chicken:

Me getting tipsy:
Me, Riva & Oren:
Me and the Hubster:



Me letting the candle blow out before making a wish. Dang it!:



The dessert:

Dresses

Soleil hugging her sister: Neve:
Soleil:

Neve:
Soleil

Personally, we can def see major differences between the girls. But I can see where you guys would think they look alike.

BTW- VOTE

VOTE HERE TOO

Yeahy Neve!

First of all- I must make this announcement:





NEVE JUST ROLLED OVER!!

This makes me so incredibly happy.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Soleil has been rolling over for over a month now , so seeing Neve do it just makes me day. And I know that they are not the same person and will do things at their own time, but because they were 10 weeks premature I am naturally worried about their development. The funny thing is when I was at their pediatricians office 2 weeks ago, he said not to worry that she should be rolling over within a month. I guess I shouldn't doubt him.

On a different note...

Yesterday I decided to take the day off of "work" and just hang out with my husband since he doesn't work Fridays. My mom watched the girls and we went to a Diner to have breakfast than did a little shopping. He then he agreed to see Sex In the City with me. How cool does that make him? We observed that there were 3 other guys in the theater. One guy came with his wife and the other two came separately and sat isolated. One of them looked like he was there for a nasty reason. I will leave it at that.

Oh, and I am not pregnant as originally thought- yes, I had a scare. How funny that I now consider it a scare? I was late 6 days- which I never am. But aunt flo decided to come overnight which makes my Belated Bday dinner out with friends tonight kinda sucky.

Just because I am way too tired to actually write