One More Day

So there I was at 4am, peeing on a stick. I had needed to pee the entire night but was afraid that the result's in the morning would be less accurate. So after 4 hours of almost urinating in bed, I ran to the restroom. I figured that since I had to wake up at 6am, 2 hours wouldn't be so bad.

I peed.

I didn't wait for the results, I returned to sleep.

I woke up, and there it was- the same 2 lines.

I'm finding this hard to believe. Could it be that after one single IVF I am pregnant? There are women that have to go through 5 or 9 cycles of IVF before it happens. My life has never been simple.

Again, remember- I did have a fallopian tube and ovary removed in my early twenties. I cursed life and though it unfair. I know that what happened to me.... well, I deserved it. I know why it happened.

I only say this because I tend to notice how G-D reacts to certain situations and comments. Case in point:

1997:

When I was 16 years old, and my mother 43.... she had to have a hysterectomy. This happened because she had a VERY LARGE cyst in her uterus that she did not take care of early on. The Doctors said that they had never seen such a thing. It was almost as big as a baby. Thank G-D it was benign.

My father and I went to visit my mother shortly after her surgery... ( me full of teen angst) I had the audacity to fight with my father in front of my laying mother. I don't even remember about what. But she became upset.

I upset my mother after she underwent such a tough surgery, and a part of me didn't care.

I remember that until this day.

And that was it - my fate sealed. I too was to have similar surgery- not once, but twice. You can call it karma or G-D, but I know it to be the the latter.

2000:

I have always been one to suffer during her period. I can count on one hand how many non-painful cycles Ive had. On one such painful afternoon as I was laying in bed crying in pain, I said to myself... "If these pains are caused by my period, I'd rather not have my period at all- I would rather not have children"

I was dumb. I was 18. What did I know about the pain of being infertile.

I wish I could smack that 18 year old upside the head.

And again- G-D took those words and said ..."Now I will show you that words have weight". And he did.

TODAY:

Here I am at 26 years old. Still young- yes. But have I been through a lot? Emotionally and physically I would say so. I know that there are people that have been through worse.

Everything is relative.

But losing a tube and ovary on two separate occasions before you have ever had children?

So I am making up for all the bad that Ive done, and hopefully I have learnt my lesson.

I have learnt my lesson.

And I hope that G-D know how badly I want this child, and how I regret all that Ive said and done.

I will know tomorrow.